By Wil Forbis

You want archives motherfucker? Check this shiz-nit out:
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Feb 2003
Jan 2003
Dec 2002
Nov 2002
Oct 2002
Sept 2002
Aug 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
Feb 2002
Jan 2002
Dec 2001
Nov 2001
Oct 2001
Sept 2001
Aug 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
Feb 2001
Jan 2001
Dec 2000
Nov 2000
Oct 2000
Sept 2000

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Sunday, March 31, 2002
I've been thinking a lot about Britney Spears lately. And while most of the thoughts I'm having are not the sort of thing I can share with you, I will say this much. I believe the advent of Britney Spears (and other teen artists like the Backstreet Boys and InSynch) showcases the creation of a new segment of the buying public - the pre teen consumer. The reason she's got so sucessful is that, for the first time, 12, 10, hell even 8 year olds are buying albums. No more Power Rangers and Gremlins, kids these days are buying music.

Which puts an interesting spin on things - cuz you pick up a Rolling Stine or Spin and you'll see giant disortations by the rock critics of the world disecting the work of Spears. And you read various web sites claiming that Spears represents the lowest point in rock music. But the irony is that these people, usually balding 40 year old white dudes, are bitching about the music of kids. No one has a hissy fit because the Nancy Drew books are stupid. No one claims that "ClockStoppers" represents the lowest point in American cinema. Don't take rock and roll so seriously.
posted by wil forbis 3/31/2002 05:37:32 PM

Friday, March 29, 2002
See if you can explain this to me. Starbucks is the most sucessful coffee company in the history of the universe. Their "coffee" product is the closest I've come to liquidfied cocaine. They are masters of marketing and have expanded into many non-coffee products such as cds, candy and Cranium. They are one of the few companies to have sucessfully made the jump into cyberspace.


Seriously, every single fucking coffee cup I've gotten from those people develops this little drip that ends up practically destroying the cup. Thanks to these engineering geniuses I've ruined about ten pairs of slacks.

I think you'll agree with me that the only reasonable solution to this is that if every Starbucks employee is executed. (Except for that cute brunette at the store on 16th and P. I've got special plans for her. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, .)

Goddamit, I just spilled some more!

posted by wil forbis 3/29/2002 10:38:32 AM

Thursday, March 28, 2002
You know what's a fun practical joke to play on your sig other or parents? Let's say you've got no history of drug abuse (a stretch with many of you, I know.) You set yourself up on the john and have a fake needle in your arm. Then they come in a see you there with your tongue hanging out and they think you od'd on heroin. Trust me - you'll be the permenant gagmaster after that one!

Hah! I kill me!
posted by wil forbis 3/28/2002 05:13:24 PM

Wednesday, March 27, 2002
You know what can be a lot of fun? Making up domain names in your head and then seeing if they already exist. For example, let's try

Hmmm, no luck. How about

Darn, usually this works. Maybe re####$

Huh, well let's try ;dsfknsdf sfpoo poi posfdvgpoaj pfdsaljfda

Well, fuck it. But usually this is a lot of fun.
posted by wil forbis 3/27/2002 05:59:52 PM

Tuesday, March 26, 2002
Hey, you ever check out Cool and Strange Music Magazine? It're pretty interesting and available at most Tower Records and such. Anyway, they got a web site you can groove to.
posted by wil forbis 3/26/2002 08:31:48 PM

You know, if the Oscars made me realize one thing, it's this. I HATE RON HOWARD. How could I hate Ron Howard, you ask? I'll tell you why. Throughout his entire career, from Opie, to Happy Days, to his endless stream of feel good movies, he's done nothing but radiate good cheer and love - two things I despise. I'll tell you, if I had him here in front of me - say, gagged and tied to a chair, I'd slap him. That's what I'd do, I'd slap him! "What are you gonna do about that Ronnie? You don't have your Hollywood friends to defend you now!" Then maybe I pull out a folding knife and start waving it around... you know, like Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs. Then maybe I'd knick his nose, like Polanski does to Jake Gittes in "Chinatown" (A classic picture that would've been ruined had it been directed by Ronnie Howard.) "What are you crying about, bitch!?! I don't care that you've got a family!"

Yeah, that's what I'd do. Man I hate Ron Howard.

You know who I hate even more? Kirk Cameron.
posted by wil forbis 3/26/2002 07:05:32 PM

Monday, March 25, 2002
Let me quickly point out that Tom Waters now has an acid logic blog
. You heard me, Tom Waters now has an acid logic blog. There were many who said Tom Waters would never work in this town again, but as you can see, Tom Waters now has an acid logic blog. I heartily encourage you to check it out.

Mostly it's about Tom drinking and... well, that's pretty much it so far.
posted by wil forbis 3/25/2002 08:25:52 PM

Lord knows I make every effort not to expose my personal life to the group of social deviants that read this blog (that's you, sicko) but I have to share this little segment:

I was having drinks last night with this girl I've been seeing and we were talking about how there's such a rise of animosity between different groups on this planet, such as Palestinians and Jews, or Arabs and Americans. We were haphazardly searching for ways to cure these social ills and she turned to me and said, in all seriousness, "That's why I really think it would be great if, in the next ten to twenty years, the earth was invaded by space aliens."

How can you not love a person like that?
posted by wil forbis 3/25/2002 11:59:40 AM

Sunday, March 24, 2002
I'd like to present a new occasional soap opera style feature I'll be running in this blog every so often: UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS - TV style scripts of various moments of emotional unrest.

A group of people are sitting in a fancy restaurant. Each person is paired off with their partner except for one smiling 40-ish man. They have all finished their meals and are enjoying their after dinner coffees. It's evident that there is a birthday celebration going on.

DOROTHY: What a great party. This is the best birthday party I've ever been to without the guest of honor!

PETER: Yeah, I don't know what happened to Judy. I left a note of the answering machine for her to meet us here. Oh well...

CYNTHIA: Here she is! It's Judy! Glad you finally made it!

JUDY: Well, I would have been here sooner if someone hadn't told me the wrong restaurant!

PETER: What? Honey, I said Benecia's.

JUDY: No, you said Fong's.

PETER: Honey, I know I said Benecia's.

JUDY: Why would I go to fucking Fong's for no reason? You said to meet at Fong's at eight o'clock. I was about to go home when I called work and David said you were all here.

PETER: Well.... at least you made it. Have a glass of wine...

(PETER reaches to touch JUDY who curtly brushes him off)

JUDY: I don't want any alcohol.

WAITRESS (to Judy): Madam? Would you like to order a meal? Or a dessert?

JUDY: No thank you, I don't want anything.

BEVERLY (to group): Boy, I'll tell you, Bill Simon getting the Rebublican nomination certainly made my decision a lot easier.

TODD: I'll say, I could've voted for Riordin, but this guy's a right wing nut.

PETER casually puts his arm around JUDY)

JUDY: I told you I don't want you touching me!

PETER: Honey...

JUDY: First you say I can't hear correctly but now it seems like you've got the hearing problem! Don't touch me, you goddamned cocksucker!!!!

Thus we bring our first episode of UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS to a close.

posted by wil forbis 3/24/2002 11:21:37 AM

Saturday, March 23, 2002
Hey Jesss... my email's a mess and I seem to have lost your email address. Send me an email!
posted by wil forbis 3/23/2002 06:38:43 PM

Does anyone mind if I return to the subject of Thin Lizzy? I just picked up a couple new LIzzy albums - Chinatown and some compilation, and I'm still surprised at how great these guys were. One things that I find evident off these two albums is how influenced these guys were by the traditional music of their native Ireland - they've got all these weird little Irish/Bluegrass break sections that come out of nowhere.

Wacky, wild, stuff....
posted by wil forbis 3/23/2002 06:37:12 PM

Friday, March 22, 2002
Here's a great headline off MSN:

No breakthrough in Mideast talks

Wow, so today was just like every other day for the past four thousand years!

posted by wil forbis 3/22/2002 04:52:56 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002
Heh... I hate to keep harping on this, but I'm constantly getting a laugh out of the numerous penis extension ads I get in my email daily. I found this one amusingly "cocky":

In just a few weeks you can reverse many of the the conditions
that degrade your reproductive function and gain a

Everybody is doing it, so hurry up before you're the
only one left with your flimsy stock equipment!

Damn... well, if everyone is doing it....

Blurbs like this really make me wonder about the future. Will we just be a planet of surgically enhanced porn stars? Will I have been born a generation too early?

I'm been musing on another idea for a film. I was thinking yesterday about The Last Temptation of Christ, and how you can legally use Jesus Christ as a character. So I envision a whole series of films based on the premise of this guy wondering around who claims to be the second coming of Jesus. First up: JESUS GOES BANANAS! - Jesus and some escaped monkeys go to Vegas and hang out with prostitutes while escaping from the mob.
posted by wil forbis 3/19/2002 11:33:21 AM

Monday, March 18, 2002
Man, the soundtrack to "Psycho" kicks ass!
posted by wil forbis 3/18/2002 06:29:50 PM

So I had my first interaction with drum and bass music this weekend. I mean, obviously I was dimly aware of it, but this Saturday, Kim, Cliff and I found ourselves in a dj club in downtown San Francisco. I forget the name... Cat Club or something like that.

It was a pretty crazy scene. Basically there's two rooms with djs spinning records and the larger room had some guys rapping over the cuts. It was interesting to just come face to face with this fully developed culture that sprang up around me without me really noticing it. I'm basically a live music guy... despite the fact that I had no great love for punk, it was punk rock clubs wherein I spent most of the past decade.

It's fun to people-watch at these drum and bass clubs. By no means do I think you should make fun of people for the way they look or act but there was this one guy who was one of the stupidest looking motherfuckers I'd ever seen. He was this dorky looking white guy in the vein of Sean Astin, and he was hopping around, yelling at the dj with expressions like "Aww yeah... bust it loose!"

So that was my weekend. How about you?
posted by wil forbis 3/18/2002 06:23:08 PM

Saturday, March 16, 2002
I don't normally do this, but I had to feature a funny little quote from Tarryn's blog. (I'm still pissed at her for not coming to the U.S. though)

"I was in a bookshop yesterday and there was this book called "The Ultimate Football Companion"... wow, a book that drinks too much beer, shouts "get your tits out" to anything without facial hair, pisses up walls, eats hotdogs and starts fights with the fans of the opposition... "

I should also give a shout out to the WTMWblog, for mentioning me. (She also links to the amusing "John Cusack for President" site.)

Ummm.... so how does one give a shout out anyway...?
posted by wil forbis 3/16/2002 10:58:26 AM

Well, my friend Kim is coming down to Frisco for a few days. A mutual friend, Cliff and I are going out to meet her tomorrow. Kim, Cliff and Wil - we'll be the "Gang of people with One Syllable in their name." Fear our vast power.
posted by wil forbis 3/16/2002 01:19:53 AM

Friday, March 15, 2002
I don't understand Alicia Keyes. Why is she here? What does she want? And for God's sake, why won't she stop following me?!!!!!
posted by wil forbis 3/15/2002 02:53:41 PM

Wednesday, March 13, 2002
There's a very interesting article here about why tech skills are essential to surviving in the new economy. The author makes some valuable points about America being divided into two classes or workers: haves (tech workers) and have-nots (non-tech workers.) However I think he avoids carrying this realization to the obvious conclusions which I summarize below.

* Non tech workers should be considered a servant class for tech workers such as myself.

* Non tech workers should not be permitted to look directly into the eyes of tech workers (such as myself.)

* You there! Non-tech worker! Why aren't you serving me, damn you?!! SERVE MEEEEE!!!!

* Cameron Diaz should be my girlfriend.
posted by wil forbis 3/13/2002 02:09:40 PM

Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Dammit, Tarryn... one minute you're coming to the US, the next you're not. I visited your crummy country; the least you can do is see how a real nation does things. At least we don't have to share our money with our neighbors.

This conclusively proves that you are a lesbian.
posted by wil forbis 3/12/2002 07:04:52 PM

Monday, March 11, 2002
Hey, if you happened to catch Doris Wishman on Conan's show a last week, you definately had a good laugh. I was really impressed with her appearence and Conan was pretty sharp too. I remember when he started out and you wanted to like him, but he didn't quite have as sharp a wit as he needed. But he's really mastered the talk show scene and has some great, offbeat moments.

Doris also gave a shout out to erstwhile acid logic interviewee, Honey Lauren.

In addition to all that, Nina Hagen emailed me about the piece I wrote on her. She took it all in stride and sent me some weird pictures of her. Whatta gal...
posted by wil forbis 3/11/2002 06:45:30 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002
Oh man - this is sweet. Look up "Satanophobia" on and you get this description.


n : an abnormal fear of Satan

Dig it: an abnormal fear of Satan. If you're just mildly annoyed by Satan, you don't suffer from Satanophobia.
posted by wil forbis 3/10/2002 01:21:31 PM

Friday, March 08, 2002
By the way, I'm quoted on the Indian portal site in this article about why Adolph Hitler was a misunderstood genius. (Actually, it's about the rise of pay-for-content sites on the web. And Rediff, being an Indian site, has some interesting articles about the recent Indian/Pakistani massacres.)
posted by wil forbis 3/8/2002 04:15:20 PM

Okay, looks like I'm back. I was having some problems overwriting files on acid logic, which consequently made blogging impossible. However, I'm back! Do you hear me, America?! I have returned to grant you your salvation! (or at least your salivation.)

As you may have noticed, I enjoy word puns. I hadn't really ever given this much thought, but this past Christmas I began to wonder about where this penchant for masterful wordplay came from. I was reading some old letters that my Dad had written over the years. At one point he discussed an episode when I was about five. Apparently, he had complained about his aching back and I'd replied, "Sounds like you need a "backcination!"

That story, combined with the fact that one of my half-brothers has a similar interest in puns makes me think that there may be a "pun gene." You know, a genetic marker that controls certain behavior like the famed "alcoholic's gene." (Which Forbises also share.)

They always say you can tell a Forbis because we all dress alike. In fact, we share the same jeans!

Hah, I kill me! Get it? Jeans/genes! Hah!

Maybe that wouldn've worked better had I wrote, "we share the same genes." but it's hard to express these phonetic jokes on paper.

By the way Tarryn, I presume you stopped blogging for the same reason as I, and you should be able to now.
posted by wil forbis 3/8/2002 04:01:27 PM

posted by wil forbis 3/8/2002 03:51:26 PM

Tuesday, March 05, 2002
I've been really impressed with some of the call waiting music I've been exposed to lately. I was on hold with Cisco today and they had a really modern, hip playlist - The Corrs and that sort of fun ilk. Right now I waiting for the Nevada DMV and they've got some good jazz selections. Not that limp wristed lite jazz shit either - I'm talking the real deal. But the all time best call waiting music is Earthlink. It's entirely made of great movie scores. There's been many a time after a 30 minute wait where someone will finally answer and I'll be like, "No, wait! It was the best part of Carmin Burina!"
posted by wil forbis 3/5/2002 07:17:01 PM

Monday, March 04, 2002
You ever just sit back and think about how far we've come with technology in such a short time? The Internet is a great example. Just ten years ago it was a concept only dimly being explored by a select few. But in that short decade since, it has expanded to become one of the key communication devices ever.

Other things to think about.

* In 1972, cars had yet to be invented and most people rode turtles.

* In 1950, people had not even invented legs, and simply wheeled themselves around on little unicycles.

* In 1875, cancer was just a gleem in a mad scientists eye.

Pat yourself on the back, people.... we've really come a long way!
posted by wil forbis 3/4/2002 09:18:35 PM

Oh-oh. This article could spell doom for acid logic. Internet Users Shift To Quality.
posted by wil forbis 3/4/2002 09:10:04 PM

Saturday, March 02, 2002
Holy Christ... I think I have, once and for all, proven beyond a doubt that the California Department of Motor Vehicles is populated by morons.

If you read this blog with any regularity you'll know that I occasionally refer to my ongoing adventure trying to get my car registered. Well, being that I have a court date coming up by which I have to be registered, I decided to go into the DMV to continue the battle. The DMV had requested a particular document that was only available from my leasing co, who informed me that the only way they would send it is if the CA DMV sent them a fax request. (To jump ahead, you guessed right if you instantly assumed the CA DMV does not fax requests, thus putting me in a Catch-22.)

So I go down there and there's a line of about 40 people out the door. With the gentle patience I am known for, I wait it out with the rest of the earthly rabble. Finally (about an hour and a half later) I get called to the desk of a large Mexican woman. She informs me, that a) they won't fax for the above mentioned document, and b) it doesn't matter anyway, since that's not the document I need. I need yet another document (Notice from the Nevada DMV that the car was not registered.) that none of the DMV agents I'd spoken to before mentioned. Blah, blah, more nonsense happens, involving frequent visits with manager and then this women turns her back to me and begins a conversation with this older woman about some sort of medication she wants to recommend. The meds are called, I kid you not, Viagra Spray. So I'm sitting here hoping I get a nice boyfriend when they throw me in jail for expired registration and this women is offering recomendations to help raise a co-workers husband's little winky from his 20 year slumber. Finally she turns back to me and has me fill out some paperwork.

When I return to the desk of a new agent, it's a new story. This guy realized that everything is fucked and that the DMV has been repeatedly fucking me for the past year. More gloriously, it seems the $1400 in taxes I paid when I first registered the cat were not necessary and they owe me a refund. They also don't need any of the documents I've spent the last month getting, and instead need yet a new document. However, throw the promise of $1400 at me and I'm in a much better mood. The new guy is extremely apologetic and I assume that he must be the mythical "competent DMV agent" we've all heard rumor of.

So then I left the DMV office and bought the new Trail of Dead album. I like it, it's big sounding. I think it could use more dynamics though, it's sort of constantly on "10" I really liked Neil's number though - Baudelaire.

I wonder why they call songs "numbers?"

By the way folks - help me out. I saw Taxi Driver again last night and (STOP if you've never seen it) it still never ocurred to me that he died in the end until someone pointed it out. Am I being a douche? Did he die? Is that final scene a delusional fantasy? Tell me what you think America. (And even you people from gay, non-American countries.)

Oh, one last thing. Check out this article about the Sacramento DMV illegally selling registration information to Safeway. Not only are they morons, they're practically Nazis! Heil Hitler you scumbags!
posted by wil forbis 3/2/2002 07:48:48 PM

Friday, March 01, 2002
Ugh... well, I will put up the new acid logic later on tonight, but right now I just need to to chill. This has been one of the greatest hell-weeks of my life.

I've been really getting into this Oberto Turkey Jerky. If you eat a whole bag you get almost all of your daily requirement of protein and like 1000% of sodium. I think there's something very pure about eating jerky. After all, it's quite simply, ripped shards of flesh. When you eat jerky, you're just like a great jungle cat killing a freshly killed jungle elk. You paw the globs of meat into your maw. The experience would be almost verbatum if every time a jungle cat scooped out a piece of meat it was magically cooked and seasoned with Oberto's spices. Then animal and human would truly become one...
posted by wil forbis 3/1/2002 06:32:06 PM

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* Yes, even I link to Salam Pax
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*Luke Ford, Enemy of Porn (And therefore my enemy)
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