By Wil Forbis

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September 2003
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Friday, August 31, 2001
Damn... this is trippy. Years ago I was watching this old Magnum P.I. episode where he's gearing up to kill the dude that killed his wife. There was a big musical montage for that scene, and I always thought the music they used kicked ass. So today I'm talking to this dude who lives in my building about it and he says, "Yeah, that's 'The Brazilian' by Genesis." Then later on, he lent me the cd... and I'll be damned if that ain't the song. This might seem like small potatoes to you chickenfuckers, but this song has been haunting me for years. It's like, I can finally rest in peace. Damn...

I honestly think that most people do not have the relationship that I have with music. It seems with most people it's some kind of fashion statement (e.g. "I'm into House." or "I'm into punk.") but those people really have little interaction with the actual songs. It's simply about how the music will help them socially or make them look cool. On the other hand, I get obsessed over the chords and melodies, to the point that I'm still trying to track down a song I heard once, years ago. It's a huge emotional thing with me. Am I trying to say I'm superior to these other people who only have a passing interest in music? Hell, yeah! If I came across those people and they were handcuffed to a car that was about to explode and they said "Please, Wil, kill me before the car explodes and rends flesh from my bone," I'd just laugh and throw them a saw. Then they could chose between the agony of burning a firey death or sawing off their own arm to get free. Those people suck!!!
posted by wil forbis 8/31/2001 10:54:20 PM

Well, let's continue with my interesting bum stories, shall we?

Today's bum story occurred to me in Hollywood, around '91 or so. I was going over to the 7-11 near my apartment (I used to buy my breakfast staple of Nilla Wafers there.) and I saw this scruffy black dude hanging around in front. He had a pretty nice cherry colored classic guitar - one of those guitars with an f-hole and a flap like something Chet Atkins would play. So were started discussing thiings and I noticed this guy had no front teeth. He was eating Cheetos, so the Cheeto crumbs would kind of fall out of the front of his mouth when he talked. Anyway, I explained to him how you played an octave on guitar and then left.

Yeah, that's one of my weaker bum stories. Next time I'll fill you in on the bum who presesnted me with the history of Nikes while another bum spewed blood from an open throat wound a few feet from us.

I had some crazy dreams last night. There was one where I was hanging out with all these heroin addicts and everyone was trying to get heroin. It was a very "brown" dream - like the film Seven - and I think people we're out to get us. Then I had another dream where was hanging out with this guy I vaguely knew in Olympia - Jon Quintner - who's now in the band TIGHT BROS. FROM WAY BACK WHEN. Anyway, for some reason we we're driving around Olympia and one of it's big indie festivals was going on. Then all these young, K-Records types started rioting and I guess they killed and raped everyone.
posted by wil forbis 8/31/2001 04:30:39 PM

Thursday, August 30, 2001
Lately I'm been sitting around feeling sorry for myself because nothing interesting happens to me anymore. But at the same time, a lot of that is due to the fact that I don't let interesting things happen to me. I used to be much more open to interacting with weird people. Especially bums. As such, I thought I'd take the time to jot down a few of the stories about interesting bums I have met.

One that always stands out in my mind is this bum I met on the steps of the capitol building in Sacramento about 13 years ago. (Little did I suspect I would eventually be living in that hellhole.) Sacramento at night is very quiet, especially around the capitol. I guess I must have been driving through the town and decided I wanted to see the capitol, even though it was late at night. So I'm walking around and I see this bum sitting on the steps. Somehow we started a conversation and it went on for quite some time. He filled me in and various bits of bum culture, like how they have little markings they place near houses to designate a friendly or unfriendly area. And how whenever he'd catch a train into town he stop off at a particular area by the tracks because it was sort of a homeless checkpoint. He mentioned that the last time he'd down that, some guys had rolled him for his money. He then showed me these weird little sculptures he'd made out of found objects (That's sort of an inside joke for those of you who have seen "Ghost World.") Basically it was a miniature sculpture made out of rocks and bottle caps. It was called "Sticks and Stones" because of a famous quote from Albert Einstein's along the lines of "WWIII will be fought with nuclear weapons, but the war after that will be fought with sticks and stones." So this guy's art was a sort of reference to the post apocalyptic world that awaited us. (Remember, this was the late eighties - the commies were still our enemies... sort of.)

Actually, one thing that is interesting about Sacramento is that it's sort of a big Hell's Angels town. Bikers and bums and that whole fringe culture kind of bleed together here. I see a lot of bikers around. I'll tell you one thing; bikers get great pussy. You'll see these 60 year old guys with well bosomed thirtysomething chicks. It's like a whole bunch of Woody Allens.

Anyway, I'll share some more interesting bum stories soon. Feel free to send me your own bum stories. I'll laugh at them and then delete them from my inbox.
posted by wil forbis 8/30/2001 10:55:05 PM

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
What the hell is a "skinfull", Tarryn?

The life of a child television star is often riddled with tragedy. Drug abuse, criminal activities and suicide often figure prominently in the path of any young actor who's show is cancelled, thereby pulling out the rug from their fame and fortune. But Taran Noah Smith of television's "Home Improvement"
(a show I hated) has outdone them all by MARRYING SOME CHICK TWICE HIS AGE and BECOMING A FUCKING HIPPY. Jesus Christ, it don't get any lower than that. And now he's suing his parents for spending all the moolah he wants to use to save the whales or resurrect the NVA or whatever hippies do these days.

Found a trippy bar alongside the marina in Oakland last night. It's called "The Last Exit" I believe, and has a very nautical theme. (There was a poster on the wall that said "The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a band.”) I ended up sitting next to some guy who went into a long story about how he once knew a woman who was a professional car thief. She would go out for a drive with guys she'd meet in a bar, and invariably they'd have to urinate. So when they got outside to drain the lizard, she'd drive their car straight to a chop shop. I asked him what happened to this woman and it turned out she was the gal he'd come in with - a fortyish, somewhat bookish person, who could have been a hellraising babe in her day.

Gotta love those bad girls.

posted by wil forbis 8/29/2001 09:57:17 PM

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Interesting report on Reading, Tarryn. I've heard mixed reports of the Trail of Dead show. I noticed the official site had their name as "Trail of The Dead" which sounds like a Boris Karloff movie.
posted by wil forbis 8/28/2001 09:34:47 PM

A bit of a charming day. Got an email from the lead actress in "Satan Was a Lady" (see below.) I presume she plays the "Satan" or the "Lady" character. Well, that's what the web is about... connecting with people... especially people in strange, avant garde horror films. That's not how you spell "avant garde" is it. That's one of those words that never looks right. Like "celery." Or "should."
posted by wil forbis 8/28/2001 09:32:42 PM

Monday, August 27, 2001
Boy, where the fuck is everybody, this place is quiet like a tomb. Tarryn, is Reading over yet? Jesss, are you on some kind of trip? Tony, sign your goddamn blog, you fuck!

It's dark and scarey in here.
posted by wil forbis 8/27/2001 06:19:44 PM

Well, looks like Doris Wishman has just released a new film, Satan Was a Lady. Ain't that the truth.

Just got my tax rebate from Bush's retroactive tax break. It's a blast. I went out to the hat shop and and bought several tropical fruits hats, then picked up a few father boas and an artificial bear rug. It was a blast to walk past all the homeless families on the way home knowing my money hadn't been wasted on them.

Seriously though, there's all these people in arms about the ethical immorality of the tax break, but I can't help wondering how many of those people will actually do something constructive for the homeless or just spend it on an extra stash of pot and a coffee cup holder for the beamer. There's even a whole movement arguing that people should put their tax rebate into organizations out to foil Bush. Come on people, if you're so fuckin' moral, take a homeless guy to lunch or donate it to the women's shelter. Put your money where your mouth is.
posted by wil forbis 8/27/2001 02:44:20 PM

posted by wil forbis 8/27/2001 12:09:20 AM

Friday, August 24, 2001
Damn... went to bar.. took them extra long to make Irish coffee so they made it extra strong... satan-fuckers..
posted by wil forbis 8/24/2001 09:21:21 PM

These are the headlines that just bring a smile to my face: "Smiley the Clown" found guilty of sodomy. What's even better about it is this line from the piece: Keahon argued that his client had been given liquor and then set up before the taped incident. Makes sense. We all know how difficult it is to control your urge to sodomize after a few beers.

posted by wil forbis 8/24/2001 09:59:20 AM

Thursday, August 23, 2001
Hey, a new update from one of the few worthwhile e-zines out there, Swing Machine. There's even a contribution from ertswhile Acid Logic writer, Max Burbank (Man, that fucker's prolific.) Swing Machine is one of the few web zines I have no problems promoting... it really is just a beautiful labor of love, like a child, or a great statue, or a cross burning in your neighbor's yard. It's a beautiful scene man... I'm talking solid, baby.
posted by wil forbis 8/23/2001 11:16:56 PM

The Mollusk is a pretty strange Ween album. I mean, they're all pretty strange but that one is especially strange. Still, I think Chocolate and Cheese is still my favorite.
posted by wil forbis 8/23/2001 11:08:01 PM

Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Honestly Tarryn, here's the best way to break up with a guy. Sit him down, look him in the eye and say, "I care for you very much but I just don't see this relationship lasting. But as a token of our time together I want you to have this "truth ring" which you can use to remember me by." Then, when he's looking down at the truth ring, you club him over the head with your shoe and take his wallet.
posted by wil forbis 8/22/2001 11:39:43 AM

Well, should have a new acid logic blog appearing shortly. I don't want to spoil the surprise but I will say it's related to one of the official acid logic funny animals: Monkeys.

However, you wanna know another funny, yet overlooked animal? The Emu! I don't even know what the motherfuckers look like, but they have a funny name.
posted by wil forbis 8/22/2001 11:36:20 AM

Monday, August 20, 2001
Further notes on "art": I'll tell ya, you wanna know an even bigger sham than art? Acting. I can't go anywhere without seeing something about this Penelope Cruz dame. Look, I saw her in "Blow" and she was passable at best; hardy anything worth writing home about. But because she stole Tom Cruise from Nicole Kidman and she's got a pretty face, the press can't stop fawning all over her. It's dismal how America ignores its true geniuses, like me! The press should be all over me! I should be having sex with Tom Cruise! There's just no values anymore...
posted by wil forbis 8/20/2001 10:24:40 PM

Sunday, August 19, 2001
I'll tell you, I'm beginning to think the concept of "art" is the biggest fucking con on the planet. I wandered into this coffeeshop tonight and while looking at some paintings on the wall, I overheard a guy next to me make some of the usual commentary ("I like the perspective in this one," "Nice use of purple.") But the thing was, these paintings were awful. Third graders could've come up with better crap, yet here's this forty year old dude yammering on as if the stuff had some real value. I had to fight the urge to just start tearing the stuff off the wall and burning it. And more and more I find myself listening to music or reading books and thinking, "This is all right, but it's no work of genuis." But then I find some review of those same musicians/writers and the reviewer is going on like they're the second coming. Am I just missing the boat, or is American society so comfortable and affluent that it can waste its time propping up imbeciles?

I'd hope all artists get AIDS, but then they'd probably turn it into some performance art piece where they drip their own blood on you.
posted by wil forbis 8/19/2001 10:06:36 PM

Boy, this is depressing. A picture of an aging, balding Alex Lifeson from RUSH.
posted by wil forbis 8/19/2001 10:00:15 PM

Well, if I can toot my own horn for a bit, I'd like to add that I added an interview to my recent acid logic Shut Up Little Man article. the interview is with Eddie Lee Sausage, one of the original scallywags responsible for the Shut Up Little Man cd. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then I strongly suggest you read the article and interview here.)

Saw the film "Made" last night. Very enjoyable film and i think anyone who considers themselves a decent American would like it. Also, bought several cans of mandarine oranges at Safeway today.

Well, time to go seek homosexual partners at the gym! Then I won't need to toot my own horn anymore.
posted by wil forbis 8/19/2001 04:41:04 PM

Friday, August 17, 2001
People who spell "cool", "kewl", need a prompt and painful execution.
posted by wil forbis 8/17/2001 02:20:44 PM

Thursday, August 16, 2001
"Cake" is the big local band around here these days. I've run into a few people who either know them, had sex with them or were in the band (which may have been precipitated by the other activities.) I was introduced a few nights ago to this guy who'd been on Cake's first album. Man was he old! I suspect they gave him the old heave-ho because he looked more like your physics teacher than a rock star. Nice enough chap, though. But not nice enough for me not to make fun of him.
posted by wil forbis 8/16/2001 11:37:25 PM

Wednesday, August 15, 2001
Check this out! It's like the asian Weekly World News but all the headlines sound like Hong Kong suspense films. "Dick-doctors wince at dangerous strokes," "Virile virgins celibate the night away," "No love lost between foreign hookers and Japanese Johns"??? - Karaazy!
posted by wil forbis 8/15/2001 09:35:36 PM

It's funny how cats don't like you to pet their paws.

posted by wil forbis 8/15/2001 09:20:30 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Gosh, Tarryn, were you really dreaming about acid logic? That's so sweet. It probably stemmed from my blog about the Garamond font. Maybe you can ignore the imitation crab discussion, but that Garamond blog really got to you.

I recall being in New Orleans myself about ten years ago and being in a sea of black people. I was literally the only cracker for blocks. But no one hassled me. Quite honestly, nothing beats Hawaii for anti-white racism. I've been through Harlem, New Orleans, etc.. and all those folks were mellow compared to having a giant Samoan chasing you down the street with a knife.
posted by wil forbis 8/14/2001 02:47:23 PM

Sunday, August 12, 2001
I was at some breakfast diner in Oakland a week ago and ordered scrambled eggs, hash browns and bacon. When the order came, the eggs we're sunny side up and I figured, what the hell, I like these better than scrambled anyway. Then it turned out, it wasn't that they'd fucked up the order, rather they'd given me someone else's order. So my waitress yelled across the restaurant to the waitress who was looking for her order (the one I was eating) "It's too late, he's already eating it!" (It was this action that alerted me to the mishap.) So I sort of sheepishly lied, "I didn't even notice that these weren't scrambled," and my waitress again yelled across the restaurant, "He didn't even notice the difference!" So I tried to play it off jokingly by saying, "Look, I've only had one bite, maybe they won't notice?" to which the waitress yelled across the restaurant, "Hey Noreen, he says he only had one bite and maybe they won't notice! Hah!"

People are funny.
posted by wil forbis 8/12/2001 10:34:34 PM

Friday, August 10, 2001
It's weird... I was sitting in this bar tonight (that’s not weird, quite common actually) and I looked over at who was there. There was some young muscular twentysomething kid. Then there was this rich looking 40 year old dude drinking some fancy scotch. Then there was this old dude who was a dishwasher at the local hotel. Then there was this pretty hot chick who looked like she knew how to work a man. And finally there was me. And we were all sitting there. And suddenly, I couldn't help but be aware of the power structures that divided us all. Rich vs. poor. Young vs. old. Hot looking vs. me. And then... we were watching America's Funniest Home Videos, see... and they were doing a thing on funny animal videos, and we all looked up there was this monkey trying to drink out of a glass, only he got the glass stuck on his nose and when he lifted it up, the drink spilled onto his face. And we all laughed. And suddenly, we weren't a bunch of people separated by what made us different. We were just a bunch of people laughing at a monkey. And when it comes down to it... that's not a bad thing to be.
posted by wil forbis 8/10/2001 10:26:17 PM

If you follow this blog with any regularity, you probably notice I go through phases where I obsessively eat strange foods. Some of you may recall my walnuts phase. Just recently, I went through a Smarties phase. Well, I've just launched into a new one - Imitation crab meat phase. I don't know why I decided to pick up a package at the supermarket, but the stuff's not bad. Needs some cocktail sauce though.
posted by wil forbis 8/10/2001 02:59:23 PM

Thursday, August 09, 2001
Have you ever looked at your writings, your journals, your blogs... and thought, one day this may be read by some distant relative of mine? A great grandchild or great great grandniece. After all, I've read some of the writing of my elders, why shouldn't the same happen to me? (Barring Tarryn's theory of a volcano destroying America.) What do I have to say to this future generation of Forbis scions? First of all, I assure you, most of the stories you hear about me are not true. I never ate live grasshoppers and never did any jail time. The whole thing with the kittens and the dishwasher was a big misunderstanding. However, all that stuff about me and Drew Barrymore? Absolutely.
posted by wil forbis 8/9/2001 06:44:31 PM

I don't get it. The Code Red Worm has screwed up my life, I've gotten a million versions of the "I send you this file in order to have your advice" email, yet no-one wants to send me the video of Angela Jolie taking a shower? (I read about it in a recent issue of US magazine.) It's not fair.
posted by wil forbis 8/9/2001 11:25:24 AM

Wednesday, August 08, 2001
"Come on....Let's face it....Everybody loves monkeys!
Why does everybody love monkeys? 'Cause their (sic) funny. They look, act and smell very odd, and if you're not careful, they might just throw their own poo at you. So Look Out!!"

From the "Everybody Loves Monkeys" page

posted by wil forbis 8/8/2001 04:03:47 PM

Garamond seems to becoming the font of choice on "designy" type sites. For awhile Arial was holding strong, then Tahoma, but eventually, all shall fall. Hail mighty Garamond! Lead us well so we may taste the sweet nectar of victory.
posted by wil forbis 8/8/2001 02:18:15 PM

Tuesday, August 07, 2001
I'm not sure I'm following you, Tarryn. Are you saying I look like a greyed out sillouette?

Been reading Bruce Campbell's autobiography, "If Chins Could Kill." Fun, but makes me wish for the days when celebrities waited til they were in their sixties before writing their memoirs. He only devotes a chapter each to his main films, Evil Dead I and II and Army Darkness. Basically, the guy hasn't really lived enough to write a compelling read. Nonetheless, he's going to be in Sacramento on the 19th, I'll probably have him sign my copy.

I'm trying to think of biographies I really enjoyed. Oscar Levant, Stan Freeberg, Roger Corman... Surprisingly, I wasn't that into Miles Davis's autobio, though I was big fan of his music.

John Waters has a autobiography out that looks good.
posted by wil forbis 8/7/2001 10:19:28 AM

Sunday, August 05, 2001
If I were to nominate any one company for the poor customer service award it would have to be Earthlink. I've been dealing with their tech support all week, and it's pretty apparent whenever you call them that they've been lying face down in their drool trough and have no idea about anything technical or supportive. Ultimately, I think the whole computer industry is woefully neglect in this area and couldn't support the breasts of a japanese schoolgirl. The downturn hits and the first thing they do is hire a bunch of first graders to man the phones.

Well, continuing my Pacino phase, I'm going to go watch "Dog Day Afternoon." By the way, stay away from "Bobby Deerfield." It features everything that was ever wrong with films in the seventies - the era that gave us "Unmarried Woman."
posted by wil forbis 8/5/2001 10:35:04 PM

Friday, August 03, 2001
Hey, we've got a new contestant in the Wil Forbis Lookalike contest. Today, some kid comes up to me and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look the guy from Weezer?" And God bless him, the little scamp was right! I do look like the guy from Weezer. It's these black rimmed glasses once again. So let's take a look at the complete list of people bystanders have said I look like:

Buddy Holly (more times than I can count, including a bum who yelled, "Hey, you look like Buddy Holly, you fucking fag!")

Mathew Broderick (I don't see it, but two random individuals have.)

Peter Parker

Clark Kent

the guy from Weezer

Hopefully, if I get to hang out with Trail of Dead after they're famous, they'll introduce me as the guy from Weezer. Then, maybe I'll get to bang a few chicks out of the whole thing.
posted by wil forbis 8/3/2001 08:49:12 PM

That's pretty cool, Tarryn. I wish people were setting off bombs where I lived. All we've got are these crappy drive by shootings.
posted by wil forbis 8/3/2001 04:55:18 PM

Took a stroll around Berkely last night, as I'm still in Oakland, setting up this network. Nice place, found a record store that had a lot of old comedy albums, but I didn't feel like walking around with the best of Lily Tomlin and Flip Wilson in one hand, so I didn't buy anything. (Man, Lily Tomlin used to be a babe, back 100 years ago or so!) Yeesh... I've been staying on this boat, so I have this constant swaying feeling whenever I sit down. Better have a couple vodka tonics before I drive back to Sacramento, to even out the swells.

Woody Allen's playing at the jazz club down the street tonight. Sold out though.
posted by wil forbis 8/3/2001 01:05:53 PM

Thursday, August 02, 2001
Maybe I should clear something up here. A few blogs ago, when I asked "When you're at the gym, is it okay to pee naked?" I hope everyone understood that I meant when you are in a gym bathroom. If there's one thing I do know, peeing naked in the gym, is not okay. That's certainly a lesson I don't need to be taught twice.
posted by wil forbis 8/2/2001 10:42:41 AM

Wednesday, August 01, 2001
Tarryn - I can see your point about European men not having any issue with urinating while naked. After all, they've got nothing to hide. But when you start talking about your Grade A, 100 %beef, All-American man-flesh, then it's a different story. If we were walking around your nude beaches, people would be running around screaming, "Who blocked out the sun!"

Saw the seminal gay serial killer flick, "Cruising", last night. (Should I say "semenal"? No, that's too low, even for me.) Pacino plays a cop who goes undercover in the gay underground to ferret out a killer of gay men. Somehow he manages to do this without actually performing homosexual acts with anyone. However, the ending is deliberately vague and confusing. If anyone can explain it to me, email me at I didn't get it. What about all the chopped up torsos?
posted by wil forbis 8/1/2001 09:38:39 AM

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