By Wil Forbis

You want archives motherfucker? Check this shiz-nit out:
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
April 2003
March 2003
Feb 2003
Jan 2003
Dec 2002
Nov 2002
Oct 2002
Sept 2002
Aug 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
Feb 2002
Jan 2002
Dec 2001
Nov 2001
Oct 2001
Sept 2001
Aug 2001
July 2001
June 2001
May 2001
April 2001
March 2001
Feb 2001
Jan 2001
Dec 2000
Nov 2000
Oct 2000
Sept 2000

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Thursday, May 31, 2001
Boy, another weird night at the pub yesterday. I was basically sitting there, winding down and this really drunk Danish guy comes over and asks me to play a game of darts. I've caught the vibe from this guy before, sort of an obnoxious drunk, maybe 40 or so, who sits around the bar (a local British style pub) spewing obscenities which some of the regulars find amusing. So I'm like "Sure, I play a game" and we start. Then this black guy comes in, basically looking for money cuz his "Car just broke down." I wish him luck but don't give him money, but the dutch guy Jens (pronounced "Yens") invites the guy into our game. So were playing along, and Jens starts making these vaguely racist statements in his drunken slur, like telling the dude he's from South Africa, just to get a rise outta the guy. Black guy plays it cool, he's knows what's going on, but is obviously hoping if he pals around enough, one of us will give him some cash. So the game goes on, finally black dude just wanders off in between turns, and Jens starts calling for him saying, "Hey, Keffa! Keffa!" "Keffa" being , I presume some European version of "nigger." I was annoyed by this, but also amazed at the guy's audacity. He had absolutely no problem (drunkenly) flaunting the conventions of society. It's like, I wouldn't want to hang out with the guy but he'd be a great character in a Quinten Tarrintino film. Hopefully one that gets killed towards the end - Like Nick Nolte in "Q and A".
posted by wil forbis 5/31/2001 05:45:16 PM

Tuesday, May 29, 2001
Man, Blogger's hideously slow again. Better make this one count.

I gotta tell ya, these black rimmed glasses of mine are pulling in the chicks like there's no tomorrow. Long time blog readers will recall how they raised their siren call to Superman Chick, whom I would have skillfully bedded had I not been a loser. Well, last night I check out a new hotel bar that opened, and the minute I sit down this chick start going on about how she likes my glasses, how they're "geeky but sexy." (That's pretty much the Forbis appeal in a nutshell.) Now this gal is drop dead gorgeous with brunette locks and robust hooters. What's that? How was her personality? Uh... yeah, that was great too. Anyway, were talking, then this guy comes back from the bathroom and takes his seat which happened to be right between us, and I realize these two had already been talking. I'm like, "that's cool," and we all start blabbing about movies... but there's this kind of undercurrent of "Which one will she pick?" And suddenly I blurt out "Pick me, pick me!" and wave my hand in the air excitedly. You know how chicks love that sort of thing.

Well, no, that's not exactly it. We kept talking, and she's flirting with both of us, so I'm thinking maybe things'll get their kink on right there on the floor of the bar. A little three-way? Some DP? Like the Snoop Dogg video? Finally I realize I'm gonna lose out and they go off together. But damn, it's been so long that I've attracted any kind of female attention (well, human females) that it still felt like a good night.
posted by wil forbis 5/29/2001 11:09:10 PM

Monday, May 28, 2001
I want to give what I believe is called "a shoutout" to a band I saw this weekend, The Troublemakers. Caught them at a local coffeeshop and half way through the perfoamance the singer throws these smoke bombs into the audience. Then he climbs up onto the P.A. and then into the rafters of the place, and crawls along them to hop off at the second floor of the joint. Finally, he runs downstairs, grabs a chair and walks off into the night. Good stuff.
posted by wil forbis 5/28/2001 09:46:45 PM

Sunday, May 27, 2001
So I was at dinner last night and this guy I was sitting next to saw some chick he knew and went over and started talking to her. Eventually he came back and said "She's an old friend of mine. She's married to to Billy Childish!" Billy Childish? The singer for the Headcoats? You know, THE BILLY CHILDISH!!!

It's okay, I was only vaguely aware who the guy was myself, and had to look him up on the Internet.

However, it allowed me to segue into my story about how one of the Young Fresh Fellows was the real estate agent for a house I once rented.

Don't ask me what Billy Childish's wife was doing in a family Mexican restaurant in Sacramento, California. I should have gone up to her and said "Is he really all that childish? Cuz if you want a real man, baby, you know where to find me."

I could show her who's really the childish one!
posted by wil forbis 5/27/2001 07:08:59 PM

Friday, May 25, 2001
Hey Pete, congrats on the Storanello. As for for Celestine... playin with fire, man.
posted by wil forbis 5/25/2001 02:19:33 PM

What is it with hippie chicks where they have to dance at every song? I was at a coffeeshop last night, and this crappy hippie band was playing, and their fucking barrage of hippie groupies couldn't sit still for a second. They had to constantly be up there doing that wispy, vaguely arabic looking hippy dance that seems to have no corollation to the beat of the music. It's like they'tre trying to tell us that they communicate with some deep spiritual force and literally dance to the beat of a different drummer.

It's like, "Look, you lice-ridden, Greatful Dead princess, just because you're not dancing, it does not mean you're not enjoying the music." The whole thing comes across as very pretensious. (Or however that's spelled.)

Ahh... hippies... they make the best targets for my hatred. Crushing them is like driving over baby monkeys.
posted by wil forbis 5/25/2001 02:14:35 PM

Thursday, May 24, 2001
When I was a kid, I used to really be into true ghost stories. I'd read these accounts where some guy would talk about driving down a lonely highway and see a lone female hitchhiker. So he picks her up and she says she just needs a ride home. They'll be driving along, talking, and then pass a cemetary, and the guy will look over at the chick and she'll be gone!

I started wondering today, what do you talk about with a ghost? I mean, if they died 20 years ago can they talk about current events? What happens if you ask a ghost "So what do you think of George Bush?' or "How about those Lakers?"
posted by wil forbis 5/24/2001 10:46:33 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2001
Hey, look what tarryn made - a page accusing me of serial masturbation. Just in time for my birthday.

I hope this doesn't turn into a case of life imitating art.

At least it's better than "cereal masturbation." That's when you know you've hit an all time low. Standing there with a pair of tweezers trying to satisify a Cheerio.
posted by wil forbis 5/22/2001 11:05:16 PM

Monday, May 21, 2001
hey, new acid radio up, discussing the merits of midget Presidents. I'm interested in people's opinions on this one.

Jesus Christ it's hot. I'm drinking wine and it's like lukewarm soup.
posted by wil forbis 5/21/2001 12:44:52 AM

Sunday, May 20, 2001
I've really been digging this guy called angry genius boy. Check out his rant about "Why Star Wars fans are Dumb." Motherfucker gives a serious shout out to Chewbacca and wookies everywhere.

Pretty dry SNL last night. I can't tell if Christopher Walken was just forgetting his lines, or whether he was going for some type of staggered talking style. He's a weird fucker, that one... or should I say, cheeky fucker.
posted by wil forbis 5/20/2001 01:57:39 PM

Saturday, May 19, 2001
Well, I suppose you guys figured out by now that Joey on FRIENDS does not have AIDS. The real secret was that Rachel is pregnant, even though she has been seemingly unattached. I tell you, one word went through my head when her pregnant status was revelealed - "Slutty lustful WHORE!" Looks like we got another Murphey Brown on her hands, going on on the town and sleeping with god knows who just to satisfy her needs. I don't know what Ross ever saw in her.

It actually would've been funnier if instead of finding a pregnancy test in the wastebasket, Phoebe found an aborted baby fetus. They're always good for a laugh.
posted by wil forbis 5/19/2001 01:44:48 AM

Thursday, May 17, 2001
Holy Shit! Did you see FRIENDS tonight? I knew they said there'd be a surprise ending but I never guessed this. Joey has AIDS!!!
posted by wil forbis 5/17/2001 09:54:52 PM

Had kind of a weird experience at the gym last night. I was opening my locker and this naked guy comes out of the shower into the locker area. I'd seen him before and always figured him to gay, and he comes up to his locker, which happens to be right next to mine and starts a conversation. Now first let me say that I've always supported gay rights and such and have a healthy respect for gay culture, but I can't deny that part of me is wondering whether this naked homosexual who I'm alone in the locker room with is coming on to me. And I get a little uncomfortable, much the same way a chick starts feeling when some guy she's not interested in starts coming on to her (if you don't know what I'm talking about, talk to any chick I've ever come on to.) Anyway, a couple minutes pass and then some other guy walks into the locker room. Now you'd think that would alleviate the tension a bit, but it didn't at all because at this point the first guy was giving me a blowjob. And I gotta tell you, I think we all felt a little uncomfortable.

Then, to make matters worse, my mom walked in!
posted by wil forbis 5/17/2001 05:51:09 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2001
Man, blogger's working like a dream...

Have you seen this crazy Bear story, Pete Moss has going?
posted by wil forbis 5/16/2001 06:59:45 PM

The other day I realized that I had about 10 days left to get a new, California driver's license. So I got their little book, read through the thing, and went in for the written test. The embittered whore at the counter tells me I need to have a birth certificate. So I call up the county I was born in and have them send me one, costing me half a week. Then I call up the DMV today, to see if I can schedule a time to submit my crap and take the test. They schedule me for Friday, but then tell me, that since they take about 4 weeks to send out IDs, and that have to take my current driver's license, I won't have a valid picture ID while I'm waiting...unless I have a passport! So I get a passport application and my birth certificate and go down to the post office. One problem. To get a passport, I need to GIVE them my birth certificate, in which case I won't have a copy to give the DMV. So I blow off the passport, go down to the DMV, stand in line, pay them their money so they can continue being rude bitches, take the test and get my new driver's license. (Sans a picture ID which is what I need to get a passport - ironic catch 22, ain't it?)

The thing is, I don't really mind that the government feels the need to track all my information for its worldwide Zionist, satanic organizations. I don't mind them charging me for this "service" and I can even put up with the petty, powerless, angry people they breed in chemical vats to run the DMV... But can't they apply the smallest bit of efficiency to it? Is this not the 21st century? IF we can put a man on the moon and create nano-robots and clone Adolph Hitler, why can't they just LOOK at my birth certificate to give me a passport? Why can't they make me a picture ID in one day, they same way the gym can? Because they're scum, that's why! And I'll tell you, I'm getting tired of being pushed around by the man!

"I'm out of order? You're out of order! The whole damn system is out of order! And the DMV can suck my 'nads!"

Jack Nicholson

posted by wil forbis 5/16/2001 06:58:34 PM

Tuesday, May 15, 2001
After about a decade of abstaining, I finally went to the dentist's office about 6 months ago. He took one look in my mouth and said "Pretty fucked up, y'all." Except for my gums. He was impressed with my gums. Hell, I've always been impressed with them... it's about time someone noticed.

Anyway, so this past six months has been a dirge of repeated dentist visits as my teeth get cleaned, scraped, filled and drilled with a variety of mechanical devices. One tooth in particular was touch and go, the dentist said it might need a root canal. That didn't really bother me at first, as I figured modern technology had reduced the root canal from the painful hair pulling experience it was rumored to be, to a more gentle, new age, drug induced fantasy. Then I mentioned it to my ex girlfriend and she said, "I dunno... I've known people who've gotten them recently and they said it was pretty bad." She said "pretty bad" in that particular tone of voice she reserves for phrases she wishes to soften... thereby implying a root canal was not "pretty bad" but a angonizing, painful experience like being eaten alive by bears or having sex with me. So now I'm totally freaked out about the tooth. It was filled by the dentist, but he said I should watch it, and let him know if it started bothering me. As it is... I do feel it, but it doesn't seem to be getting worse, in fact. it seems a little better. But I can't help but wonder if I'm avoiding the inevitable...
posted by wil forbis 5/15/2001 11:24:56 PM

Sunday, May 13, 2001
Damn... well blogger's finally back in action... You know what would be really funny...? Calling Blogger, "booger." Then you could say "I'm going to update my booger." or "Let's read some boogers." or "I just chopped off your mom's head and had sex with the eye socket."

Found a gem of an album in my pile of unlistened to Lps the other day. Anyone recall a band called REX? (Not T-rex kiddies.) They were some swedish hard rock group from the seventies with a pretty boy lead singer. They've got Spinal Tap written all over them, and they actually have a song called "Ten Seconds of Love." In all fairness I think it's tongue and cheek, but they sing it pretty straight. Maybe they're saying that ten seconds of their love is equal to 20 minutes of normal love. Man, I've tried that argument before, but it's hard to make it stick.

Hey, if anyone of you chicks out there want a full 30 seconds of love, I'm your man. Think about it, that's three times the love REX would give. Three times! What's that? You say you'd rather stay home with a can of peanut butter and your yorkshire terrier? Well, don't say I didn't offer.
posted by wil forbis 5/13/2001 07:47:41 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2001
Those of you who watch the health news may be aware that doctors have announced America's kids are getting too much juice, and now say they should be limited to two glasses a day to cut down on sugar. Many of you will also recall that I was one of the first public speakers to raise the cry against juice. Who doesn't recall my bestselling anti-juice thesis, "Juice - The Silent Killer" which spent several month on the best seller list? Perhaps you remember my radio show, "Prune Juice and other Evils" which ran while I was sponsered by the National Association of Colas and Sodas. I can even remember a series of pamphlets I produced 15 years ago entitled "The Devils Workshop: How the Juice industry encourages Satanism" which I used to pass out on the street corners of New York City while screaming at passerbys.

Yes juicemakers... your time has come...!
posted by wil forbis 5/10/2001 03:58:29 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2001
I have to admit, I'm starting to get upset reading all these reports of Nichole Kidman's devasting break up with Tom Cruise. I keep hearing about how emotionally fragile she is after Tom callously informed her that their ten years of marriage had come to and end. How she became so damaged by the betrayal that she miscarried their unborn child. (I guess if you're gonna miscarry a child it's best to do it on an unborn one. Ever see a woman try and miscarry a born child? She's trying to stuff him back up there and he starts crying and yelling... it's not a pretty sight, I tell you.)

Anyway, I get upset when reading all these reports of Nichole's failed marriage because it all a pack of lies! C'mon, Nichole, you know as well as I that the marriage was over the moment Tom came home and found, you, me, and Jennifer Tilly engaged in unabashed sex play. You make Tom out to be the villain, but I'm just surprised it took him years to find out about our little threesome. When I saw him standing there in your bedroom, tears streaming down his face, I felt a genuine remorse for what I'd done. I'd tried to undo the damage by saying "Dude, you can have her back, I'm done with her..." but that only seemed to make things worse. Have you no shame Nichole? Have you no shame?!

By the way, I think you miscarried on purpose so that Tom wouldn't notice that they baby looked strikingly similar to Andy Dick. You think I didn't know, Nichole? I know everything!
posted by wil forbis 5/9/2001 10:59:27 AM

Monday, May 07, 2001
Ever notice how frightening the cover to Dio's Holy Diver really is? It's this priest who's been chained up, being thrown into a lake by this satanic dude who's flashing the classic "devil" hand signal so popular in the eighties. That's fucked up, dawg. Whatever happened to "happy" satanic metal, like the Buggles?
posted by wil forbis 5/7/2001 11:01:51 PM

Sunday, May 06, 2001
You know, I can't believe whoever owns is letting it go to waste like that. It's been sitting there for three years without doing a damn thing. That guy doesn't even deserve a domain name like that.
posted by wil forbis 5/6/2001 11:18:53 PM

Boy, I took the time to try and view some of the other blogs on the web and I have to say... There are a lot of dead blogs out there. I think out of the ten I tried to look at, maybe three were still active. The reason? All these punk kids that start blogs and then get caught up in their coke snorting bisexual lifestyles and their blog goes out the window like yesterday's electronica albums. I'll tell ya, when I was kid, we had to walk uphill both ways to even get to our blog. And you better believe we enjoyed every minute of it.

If the Russians invaded us right now, they'd find a nation of non-blogging weaklings. We'd be putty in the hands of their communist manifestos and vodka borsht.
posted by wil forbis 5/6/2001 11:14:31 PM

Saturday, May 05, 2001
Hey, Rye, I got your email, but when I responded it sent the mail back to me. So I dunno... thanks for the feedback.

Speaking of the Toxic Crusaders, Tarryn, you ever see the cartoon show based on Troma films Toxic Avenger, called the Toxic Crusaders? (I think) The theme song had the great lyric, "Now me an the boys fight against wrong, Even though we're hideously deformed!"

Hey, right on. The Invisble Hypnotist Robot is back!

posted by wil forbis 5/5/2001 11:23:58 PM

Friday, May 04, 2001
How's that James Ellroy, Saleeb? I tried reading his Bill O'Reilly article in GQ but threw it down in disgust when I realized the guy couldn't commit to any sentence with more than 6 syllables.

"Bill O'Reilly. He's pissed. Really pissed. They've done it again. Broken the rules. And O'Reilly doesn't like it. He's pissed. Really pissed. etc...."

You know what I should have to said to Superman chick? (Yes, I'm still infuriated about that.) When she asked me how "Clark" was, I should've said "He's doing good, CAROL!" (See, the chick looked a little like the Marvel Comics character, Carol Danvers, who was the original Ms. Marvel until her powers were absorbed by the X-Men's Rogue, then she finally gained cosmic powers and became a herald for Galactus.) Hah, that would've put Superman Chick in her place. And made her realize how "cool" I am.

posted by wil forbis 5/4/2001 01:32:46 PM

Wednesday, May 02, 2001
Pretty strange event just happened to me. I was at the local British style bar, just chillin, and the inside of the bar was pretty much empty (in California, if you wanna smoke you gotta go outside.) So I'm sitting there watching Fox Sports and this chick comes in and orders a beer. I casually check her out in my disinterested way, and I hear her say to the bartender "I didn't know it was you and Superman in here." So, I'm a bit puzzled at the remark. Is she talking about me? I'm thinking, yeah, I got a red turtleneck on, does this chick think Superman wore a red turtleneck? Damn, bitch, Superman wore a blue turtleneck with a red insigna! Don't you know anything? (Note: It's best if you read the preceeding commentary in a Richard Pryor Voice for the full effect.)

Anyway, the chick goes back out and then comes back in. She gets her drink and then looks at me and say "How's it going Clark?" only I don't quite hear her so I say something like "wha?" (That always gets the bitches going.) So she says "Blah, blah, blah... Clark..." and it dawns on me, IT'S MY GLASSES. See, I've got these kind of Clark Kent glasses, like Chris Reeves wore in Superman.

Now I know what you're thinking... you're saying "Damn Wil, this chick was obviously into you. Did you pick her up? Is her skull gently banging against your headboard as we speak?" Fool, don't you know we're talking about Wil Forbis here. Wil Forbis doesn't get laid! He fearfully retreats to the presence of his computer where he can summon up websites with titles like "Asian Schoolgirls Horny For You!!!."

Besides, I don't have a headboard.
posted by wil forbis 5/2/2001 12:14:26 AM

Tuesday, May 01, 2001
I'm sure someone more erudite than me can make some wise commentary about how ironic it is that the has an ad for e-diets on it.

posted by wil forbis 5/1/2001 10:42:49 PM

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