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All columns are written by Wil Forbis

  • Stop or I'll Shoot! (Heroin) 11/15/00
    A humorous and comical look at the drug war that has imprisoned hundreds of thousands of Americans and punished our South American allies.

  • Kill, Kill, Rock and Roll 11/1/00
    Rock and Roll has been the defining music for the past three generations of Americans. Is it finally time to call it a day?

  • My Scariest Dream 10/15/00
    Just in time for Halloween, my most hair raising visitation to dreamland is retold.

  • it's funny how... 9/30/00
    The plight of the North American tortured artist is examined.

  • Undressed for Success 9/18/00
    Welcome to the first ever Acid Logic theme issue, with the current topic being the messy subject of lustful, carnal relations. MTV's Undressed, pornography and sex education are all examined in this column, with the candor you've come to expect from Acid Logic.

  • Bar Grudge Match 9/1/00
    On the main drag of Seattle's Capitol Hill, two bars eye each other suspiciously, fingers itching for their six guns.

  • How Jerry Springer Reclaimed My Childhood 8/17/00
    The Jerry Springer Show shines the light on American dementia, sexual perversity and midgets.

  • Naptime For Napster? 7/30/00
    Is it finally curtains for the file sharing software? An analysis of the art of accruing free music without shoplifting.

  • The Devil and Davy Jones 7/13/00
    Average looking guys like myself are always taunted by good looking, charming pretty boys who take our women, and worse, our beer. The epitome of such Romeos is The Monkee's Davy Jones. Let's fix him, but good.

  • Britney Spears VS Eminem for the Title of "Ruler of the Universe" 6/28/00
    Sometimes I see Britney Spears as a pop music princess, sometimes I see her as a talentless whore. And some days I see Eminem as the last great rapper, other days he's a misogynistic asshole. Which is which...?

  • Baseball Caps and Padded Bras 6/15/00
    While ruminating upon several recent conversations, I'm reminded that the human race is still vainly protective of its physical flaws. Ahh... if only I could relate.

  • Fear Me for I Have the Power to Destroy You 5/25/00
    With each passing year I become more aware of the fact that every generation must watch the fruits of its culture destroyed by its sucessors.

  • Herbie, the Love Virus 5/10/00
    Was the Love Virus simply the obnoxious prank of drippy nosed hackers? Or was it sent from the heavens to fulfill a deep, spiritual need?

  • The Goth/Metal Manifesto 4/30//00
    For years hard rock and goth music have stood in opposite corners, eyeing each other suspiciously. Can they be brought together by a little thing called love...satan?

  • Adolph Hitler Was an Alien (or, The Case Against MP3s) 4/13//00
    After reading this you may say, "This has nothing to with Adolph Hitler or aliens, it's simply a long winded rant against the MP3 music format!" But look deeper, my friend. The truth is not always obvious.

  • Death To the Multi-Talented 3/30/00
    Don't you just hate people who can do things better than you? Or worse, who people aren't as good as you, but get more attention. Let's hate them together.

  • Yet Another Acid Logic Column 3/9/00
    It finally happened: I ran out of things to say. So I thought I'd write about that.
  • Notes From the Road 2/11/00
    My recent train trip across the southwestern part of the United States provided many musings. I'm collecting them here for your enjoyment.
    • Man or Pokemon - After boarding the train in Austin I was confronted by a Pokemon weilding youth. It led me to many revelations about the state of toys in America.
    • Making Friends on the Train - The fun continued as I conversed with a variety of individuals posing as sane.

  • The First Rant of the Millenium 1/11/00
    Since it turns out the world didn't end I suppose I should celebrate with some positive words. But then I wouldn't be me.

  • The Bigger the Better 11/27/99
    Can you divide the love of large women along the racial line? Or are we all being subjected to more brainwashing from Madison Avenue.

  • Let's Hear it for Genetically Engineered Foods! 11/4/99
    Continuing with my food theme, I address the weighty matter of genetically altered fruits. (And I'm not talking about Michael Jackson.)

  • Mustard: The Forgotten Condiment 10/18/99
    Ahh, mustard... the sexiest of all sandwich dressings.

  • The Protocol of E-mail 10/7/99
    Letter writing is alive and well on the Internet. And that's both good and bad.

  • Smile, You’re on! 9/2/99
    There's a new kind of Candid Camera in town. And it involves lots of sweaty, naked men.

  • Star Wars: The Phantom Menace - What Went Wrong? 8/14/99
    We may never move forward as a society until this question is answered. Fortunately, I have answered it. Feel free to begin worshipping me.

  • Other People's Misery 8/2/99
    A wise philosopher once said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." The rest of us just snivel and moan.

  • Evening at Club Rock-Za 7/15/99
    No matter where you go in the world, strip clubs are all the same.

  • The Hidden World of Airports 7/4/99
    It's only after years of airline travel I've come to see airports for what they really are: a paranoid, violent, sexual shagfest.

  • Girls Against Boys 6/13/99
    The battle of the sexes starts out on the playground and continues up to the nursing home. Can't we all just get along?

  • All the President's Women 6/2//99
    I feel totally lame having to do this but I simply ran out of time trying to come up with a column for this issue. Thusly I'm presenting a "classic" Acid Logic from the early days of the Clinton scandal. However, trust me, this one's pretty funny, I just read it. So sit back and return yourself to a time when you actually had friends saying "I really don't think he had sex with that women, Monica Lewinsky."

  • Potential Star Wars Disappointments 5/15/99
    It could be the greatest film ever. But what if...

  • Acknowledging Some of the Lesser Known Y2K Issues 5/3/99
    What is needed in the current Y2k debate is a sound and learned voice. Once again you're stuck with me.

  • Spider-Man, We Hardly Knew Ye 4/11/99
    Comic Book characters have always had a rough translation to film. This article analyzes the causes of this national embarrassment.

  • Anyone For Flaming Teletubbie? 3/20/99
    They're happy, they're friendly, they're loved by children worldwide... therefore they're perfect targets.

  • Make Love To Your Television
    The only bumpersticker more annoying than "Perot '92" are those "Kill Your Television" ones. This article denigrates this new form of political activism.

  • Examining Alternate Forms of Punishment for Clinton 1/15/99
    Another Clinton article. Probably outdated by the time you read this but worthwhile nonetheless.

  • The Effects of Clinton-Vision 2/7/99
    One of many articles taking the serious subject of impeachment and reducing it to comedy-fodder.

  • Keeping Up With The Jonesboros
    An amazingly cold-blooded (I was quite proud of myself) and humorous article about the Joneboro massacre and the roles we expect of children.

  • My G-G-Generation
    Being that the "Generation X" label will haunt me for the rest of my life, I thought I'd put this down.

  • Please Let Me Kill You Pt. 2
    A sequel to an article I did years ago, this one focuses various scum who preach "Revolution" while driving to work in a BMW.

  • I Love Barney
    No tricks or hidden messages. This really is about my love affair with the Purple one.


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  • Cheny of Fools/Blacklisting Richard Lewis 8/17/00
    By John Saleeby
    Get set for a double shot of Saleeby as he points the pen at Mary Cheny and Richard Lewis.

  • Fashion Tips for Mutant Superheros 8/17/00
    By Spar Sperling
    As the siege of X-Men mania descends upon us, peruse this synopsis of superhero style.

  • Art Talk With The Ramones 7/30/00
    By John Saleeby

    Saleeby delivers another comedic double whammy while discussing the art world and post punk careers of the Ramones.

  • Death To All Taggers 7/30/00
    By Anthony Passonno
    a modern day, hipster Zarathustra, waiting and watching, then crossing the abyss in a frenzied state of berserker rage and Wagnerian bravado, until I see IT!!! SOMEONE TAGGED MY FUCKING BUILDING!!!"

  • Chicken Soup For The Serial Killer's Soul 7/13/00
    By Patrick Raftery

    We could all stand to learn something from the soul enriching experience of a serial killer.

  • Learning From Your Shame 6/28/00
    By Rev John D. Finkletter

    One of the best ways to grow as a person is to learn from the sordid moments in your past. And the Rev's got plenty of them.

  • Great Forgotten Moments of the 1970's 6/15/00
    By John Saleeby

    Hold onto your pants for two articles in one, as Saleeby gives the straight dope on the decade of sin and the disdain of Kathy Lee Gifford.

  • Are You a Scumbag? 5/25/00
    By John Saleeby
    Take the quiz to find out if you're either an average guy, a serial killer, or a bitter stand up comedian. (Which of the three options is not a scumbag is left to the reader's discretion.)

  • My Prison Diaries 5/10/00
    By John Saleeby
    Ex-stand up comedian, Saleeby, summarizes his years in the big house... a place where defending the good name of Charlie Chaplin becomes a point of honor.

  • Things That Annoy Me 4/30/00
    By Seana Sperling
    • #2 The Noise Patrol: Seana continues venting, aiming her rage at car alarms, construction workers and other ill gotten noisemakers.
    • #1 Hair = I.Q.: Seana Sperling starts off her long awaited "Things That Annoy Me" series by taking a jab at the lowest order of witticism: The Blonde Joke.
  • Kurt Cobain 4/13/00
    By Devora
    Devora lays down the final word on the Gen X icon

  • Let's Hear it For Anti-Depressants! 4/13/00
    By Mad Brunette
    Goddamit, drugs aren't problem... They're the solution!

  • Cubical Spawn 3/30/00
    By Tom Skuja
    The truth is, you can never say enough about how unattractive babies are.
  • The Columbine Massacre For Total Idiots 2/11/00
    By Devora
    Amidst the hype of all these school shootings it may be hard to find the truth. Devora lays it out for the cerebrally impaired.

  • James Brolin Gets A Role 2/11/00
    By Ian Wolfe
    After years of struggle James Brolin has been offered the role of a lifetime... and Ms. Streisand won't take "no" for an answer.

  • Assisting the Disabled 1/20/00
    By Seana Sperling
    In true Acid Logic fashion, Seana Sperling details the many ways we can help the disabled in our society. And how many people already are!

  • BucketHead... Groove On 12/9/99
    By Spoiks
    BucketHead, a masked, chicken lovin' demon has been mixing guitar solos and Giant Lizards for years now. Isn't it time he got his due?

  • Michael Schenker is God 10/11/99
    By Spoiks
    In America, circa 1987, metal ruled the land (to paraphrase Judas Priest.) And perhaps its most fiercesome practitioner was Michael Schenker, a long-maned, rail thin agent of darkness.

  • Billy Preston is the Funkiest, Grooviest, Motherfucker on the Planet 10/2/99
    By Spoiks
    "Outta-space," one of the funkiest songs of all time, has fallen between the cracks of American music. Yet Billy Preston has more groove in his little finger than the Chili Peppers and their concubines combined.

  • Conrad's Night in the Big House
    By Conrad Keely
    Conrad Keely sent me this article about his first night in jail. Is it a desperate cry for help... or something much, much more?

  • A Dignified Analysis of Devo's Freedom of Choice
    By Wil Forbis

    An insightful and intriguing look at this underated band. You will find your life changed or your money back.

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