By Wil Forbis
It's a shame really, that
we live in a world where people feel the need to cover up their flaws.
In truth we should be celebrating our differences, celebrating what
makes us unique from one another. In fact, I often wish I had flaws,
so I could take part in all this celebrating.
But that's not how we do
things is it? Instead we hide our defects -- whether they be physical
or psychological --- behind a mask of cosmetics, fashion accessories, psychotropic
drugs and bloated egos (or so I'm told.) But I think you'll agree with
me, dear reader, that eventually these castles come a crumbling and
our failings are exposed.
I think these two recent
conversations I had make this point clear.
(my conversating partner was "Bob" a 35 year old charity consultant
who proposed we work together on a project. We recently got together
over coffee, he dressed in Friday casuals and a baseball cap, I wearing
my standard turtleneck and corduroys.)
Bob: "Wil, I'm really glad
we finally got a chance to meet on this one. And I'm glad you've expressed
an interest in the Ethiopian Immigration Project."
Me: "No problem Bob, I've
always been concerned with starving Egyptians."
Bob: "Uhh, right. Anyway,
we really feel you can contribute greatly to the fund drive. As you
can see here we have a variety of strategies we'd like your opinion
(At this point the sun was
getting hot so Bob removed his cap.)
Me: "Well, Bob, these all
look like exciting concepts. I… hold on!"
Bob: "What? Is something
Me: "I'll say there is! You're
Bob: "Well, uhhh, yeah, I'm
getting a little thin up top but…"
Me: "A little thin? I haven't
seen such clearcutting since Weyerhaeuser went to work in Northern Washington!
It's as smooth as Venus up there!"
Bob: "Well, uhh look Wil,
I don't think the state of my head is the issue. We're talking about
starving immigrants who have suffered a…"
Me: "Bob, The state of your
head is exactly the issue. I have one rule and that is: I can't be seen
in public with bald people. People may suspect that I’m not actually
Bob: "What? I… that's outrageous!"
Me: "Look Bob, it's nothing
personal, but society has a stringent bias against domeheads like yourself.
Look at Lex Luthor in the Superman comics. There's a clear message there
and it is that all bald people are evil. I'm afraid I'm going to have
to take my leave."
Bob: "But Wil, what about
the children! They need you. What about helping the children!?!
Me: "Leave me out of your
wicked schemes, Bob. Besides, as long as they have Rogaine, they'll
be fine. Sayonara cue-ball!"
(At that point I got up and left, neglecting to pay my share of the
After examining that conversation,
I'm sure you'll agree with me that if Bob had been up front with his
hair disability from the start, I wouldn't have had to waste time belonging
to either of us.
However it's not like men
have the monopoly on creative personal embellishment and I think the
following makes this clear.
Conversation 2: (My
conversating partner was Mia, a 26 year old secretary I'd had my eye
on and had finally managed to get on a date by threatening to have a
certain IRS officer I know audit her. It had been a swell night and
by feigning a case of vertigo I'd manage to foil her attempts to leave
me at her doorstep and had made it into her apartment. Midway through
two glasses of Shiraz the following occurre.)
Me: "Boy, it sure is hot
Mia: "What are you talking
about, it's the dead of winter and my air conditioner is stuck at "on.""
Me: "Whatever. I'm going
to take my shirt off and I suggest you do the same."
Mia: "Well… this is clearly
the only way I can get you to leave. All right, just don't tell anyone"
Me: "Great! Boy, I've been
waiting a long time to get a look at those… waitasec!"
Me: "What's with your bra,
it's got … stuff in it?"
Mia: "It's a fill up bra.
They make me look bigger. Lot's of girls use them."
Me: "I can't believe this.
You lied to me! I thought you had a set of real melons!"
Mia: "Jesus Christ, get over
it! You knew I was part Asian!"
Me: "This is deplorable Mia.
I really think we could have had something, a relationship, possibly
a marriage based on the fact that I like giant funbags! But you've gone
and made a mockery of the very concept of large breasts! Well, I've
got standards, and they don't fall below 36D!"
Thus, with my righteousness
intact and tears rolling down my face, I stormed out of the apartment.
There is definitely a moral
here and I would like to pass it on to America's youth, so they can
learn from Bob and Mia's mistakes. Girls, follow Britney Spear's lead
and get breast augmentation surgery and do it as soon as possible. Guys,
be sure to start saving for hair plugs now, unless you're black and
can get away with that cool Ving Rhames look.
In other words: Be yourself.
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