By Wil Forbis -
[Email]
There has been a multiplicity of exacerbation and hand wringing
recently over what is known as the "Y2K problem": the potential shut down
of various computer systems upon arrival of the year 2000. This anxiety
has provoked a variety of reactions ranging from the mundane fears that
fiscal institutions will lose control over all account information to
more alarming concerns that the very fabric of society will be destroyed
and only well armed individuals living in rustic agrarian communities
will be left to dictate the fate of mankind. In short, naysayers may choose
from either receiving a two million dollar phone bill or complete worldwide
Armageddon.
The cause of this problem, of course, goes back to computer programmers, whom forgot to include the ability to recognize any yearly prefix past 19 in their programs, much the same way they forget to shave or wear clothing from this decade. Continually under the assumption that the program would be fixed, programmers tiddled away (tiddle = very fast typing) until the current cacophony ensued.
Whereas it has never been this author’s desire to cause alarm, it is said author’s belief that the current flags being raised are short sighted at best, and a host of unexamined problems could erupt from the Y2K fiasco. Thusly, I will try and present for unusually paranoid and anxious readers the following breakdown.
Embedded Technology
Many concerns have been raised over the issue of "embedded technology."
Embedded technology is an all encompassing term describing the millions
of microchips embedded in many cars, microwaves, refrigerators, fish
tanks, security systems and electronic sexual pleasuring devices. A
familiar example is the Zarcon chip which causes all VCR clocks to flash
12:00. The concern with Y2K and embedded technology is the possibility
that once the year 2000 hits all embedded chips will operate on the
mistaken assumption that it is 1900. So a 1996 Audi for example, would
refuse to operate, rightfully assuming that it hadn't been invented
yet. And if it did function, the car radio would play only Scott Joplin
tunes.
However, this is a naïve and unrealistically positive view of the
Y2K embedded chip problem. Indeed far more fearsome problems exist,
and to demonstrate, let’s look at the household microwave. It is generally
acknowledged that a microwave with a non Y2K compliant chip would cease
to function with the 2000 turnover. However, it is not acknowledged
that the Y2K problem could cause a microwave to fashion its circuitry
into arms and legs with claws that it would use to attack its human
masters. Or that it could develop a high intensity laser beam that would
shoot out in all directions. And yet, there is a very realistic possibility
that this will be happening all across America.
Computer Hardware
"If that’s what embedded chips are doing," you
must be saying, "...then computers will be far worse." You are quite
correct. The potential damage computers themselves may inflict is based
on a simple well known scientific premise: Computers hate all living
creatures and would like nothing more to drink human blood. This has
been a valid fact for decades. In fact, the only way scientists have
managed to distract computers from their natural blood lust is by feeding
them a steady diet of meaningless baseball statistics and hardcore child
pornography. But with the second millennium all this could be undone.
Computers will suddenly come alive, whirring and buzzing, rocking themselves
back and forth, crushing all in their path. This sort of scenario was
well documented in the 1956 science fiction film, "The Brain That Conquered
Outer Space."
Computer Software
It was generally assumed that software running past the year 2000 that was not Y2K compliant would be impossible to use, filled with nonsensical bugs and constantly posting indecipherable error messages that only cause users excess anguish. Then several leading scientists posed the question "How is that different from how programs run now?" This opened a more realistic mode of thought and it has since been learned that upon the turnover of the 2nd millennium, all computer software should become totally functional and it will be possible to gain unlimited lives in Tomb Raider by pressing the "shift" key.
"What Can I Do?"
It might seem that the odds are insurmountable
with this coming disaster, but in actuality, hope is not lost.. And
while I never advise readers to panic I do advise this: Start smashing
all technological devices as soon as possible. Eventually this will
attract the attention of others (believe me, I know!) and you can take
this opportunity to convince them of a similar course of action. If
we start destroying all computers and embedded technology now, there
should be only a handful left by the year 2000. (Whom we can then playfully
torture to death.) Besides, you don’t really need your microwave. You
know it laughs at you, it doesn’t even cook your food through the middle.
Why not show it who’s boss? Grab that baseball bat. March into the kitchen.
Then... Whammo! Start the revolution.
