Throughout the past year we have seen the Clinton scandal traverse through a variety of stages. At first he was victim to only shadowy insinuations of an affair, insinuations that Clinton-lovers had no problem denying. Their hopes were dashed, however, when it became clear that there was truth to the charges. The courtroom tactics of the Kenneth Starr investigation then brought to surface a much bigger problem: accusations of Clinton lying under oath. Finally the scandal led itís way to the impeachment by Congress and the current Senate trial. Few people would deny Clinton is guilty of something, it is now more an issue of punishment.
But the punishment quagmire has become one of the hottest debates of the entire scandal. Some argue for leniency, purporting that the President should make reparations to the American people with a fine and censure. On the other end, Clinton-haters will stop at nothing less than removal from office and possible criminal prosecution after that. Others have looked for a mid-ground, like Bob Doleís famous "Censure with extreme embarrassment" option.
What is becoming clear is that both the Senate and House are simply not very adept at punishment. (Though one could argue that theyíve been punishing the American people for years.) Punishment must be dealt out swiftly for it to be effective, and the governmentís record on expediency is comparable to that of a pregnant yak. Thatís why I thought it would be wise to search out additional people who are experts in the field of punishment and hear their opinions. The experts I found: a New York dominatrix, a professional Adult-Baby "Mommy", and a French executioner were all very forthcoming with their views.
My first consultant was Madame De Sade, a dominatrix in the Soho area of Manhattan. She has had a fifteen year career punishing, "frogs, mammaís boys, and spineless worms." As a three hundred pound black women who often dresses in leather, she had plenty to say about the subject:
"Well, thereís no doubt Mr. Clinton is the lowest form of scum imaginable... to even take notice of his filthy, worm-like presence might give him more recognition than he deserves. If I got him in my quarters Iíd immediately put him in his place by putting a cigarette out on one of his nipples. Then Iíd make him strip down to his socks and assume the position of a coffee table. That would probably be a good time to balance a burning candle on his neck, letting the hot wax drip down on his flesh. And if he even made a sound you better believe Iíd have to pull out my cat-o-nine-tails and give little Billy a good whipping. Mama De Sade donít take no back talk! At that point, if Iíd felt heíd been good, I might let him crawl in his own filth and lick dirt off my toes"
"How about an official censure?" I asked Ms. De Sade. "Do you feel that would be necessary?"
"Honey, in my book, a good tongue piercing is just as good as any old censure,"
Next up was Heather McDaniels. Applying her skills to the "Adult Baby" crowd, a constituency of adults who like to be treated as children, Heather makes a sizable yearly income whetting out punishment. As she is quick to point out, "babies are very naughty" and I thought her views could be quite applicable here.
"Mr. Clinton obviously has problems keeping his wee-wee in his pants and the best thing to solve that problem is to make him wear diapers. If a baby canít be trusted with the grown up responsibility of pants then heíll just have to do without. Itís also important that a baby take their nappy-by at the right time. And Iím not the sort of mommy who gives any credence to babyís whining. Iíve got a lot of babies to attend to, I canít drop everything just because one of them starts bawling. And Mr. Clinton would certainly need to behave while I spoon fed him his applesauce and creamed bananas. If there one thing I hate, itís a messy baby. Then at the end of the day, if baby deserves it, I might rock him to sleep with a song while giving him some milk."
Would you breastfeed him?" I asked Ms. McDaniels. "Or would it be formula?"
"Breastfeeding seems to be what got baby in trouble in the first place"
Ms. McDaniels replied.
"Baby would be strictly bottle fed. And no cigars!"
Finally, I turned to Francois LeCroux, a noted French executioner, for his opinions on the Clinton matter.
"I would take zee Bill Clinton and I would put zee head on zee chopping block and Zammoo! Off with zee head!"
"Gee..." I queried Mr. LeCroux "Isnít that a little harsh? What about removal from office with a stiff fine?"
"Zere would be no removal (except zee head) and zere would be no fine! Only my axe chopping off zee head!"
"Well, I donít know about France" I replied to Mr. LeCroux "but thatís pretty harsh punishment in our country!"
"You do not talk back to me, little boy!" Mr. LeCroux screamed.
"Or else it will be off with your head!"
As you can see, there are many viable alternatives to the Clinton punishment that have yet to be explored. Ideally, the Senate will take these into consideration during its long and thoughtful deliberations.