There's been much fuss made in the news lately about
the fact that the food industry is now producing fruits, vegetables,
grains, and other food stuffs via non-natural methods. One such method
is called genetic engineering and as usual, hippies, neo-luddites and
other assorted filth are up in arms about it.
Well, damn them all to hell, I say! Damn them all to hell and let them
be tortured by Satan with his hot flames of hell and his pointy trident
thingy.
I, for one, am all for genetically engineered food, cloning and scientists
generally messing with nature. Everyone always talks about the "perfection"
of nature, but it seems to me that nature sucks. It's filled with diseases
and aging and animals violently attacking each other. Ask any pregnant
women to tell you about the beauty and efficiency of nature and most
likely they'll throw up yesterday's ice Cream and pickle sandwich on
your shoes. Years ago, George Carlin had a routine based on the argument
that AIDS was Mother Nature's way of fighting back against humans. If
that's the case, I say "Step back, grandma, cuz mankind's coming at
you guns 'ablazing."
And the best way we can do this is by taking Mother Nature's purified
treasures and perverting them for our own uses. That's where genetically
engineered foods come in. The other day someone was telling me about
how they've somehow genetically crossed a trout with a tomato (creating
a troumato, I suppose) and in some strange way this aided the corporate
food industry. I fail to see what the point of this is, but if it screws
up Mother Nature, I'm all for it. Some people complain that these new
unlabeled trout tomatoes will wreck havoc for people who are allergic
to fish, but what good is a person that can't wolf down a troumato?
They're a relic from a bygone era and they should get the hell out of
the gene pool. It's called Darwinism, baby, maybe you can read up on
it as you wheeze out your last gasps from that salmon asparagus you
just had.
If there's a lesson here, it's avoid all fruits and vegetables, and
stick to a diet of meat. Meat is already so perverted with preservatives
and lord knows what, it's probably as safe as randomly drink smoking viles
in a mad scientist's laboratory. And that's just how we like it. Life isn't
worth much without danger and an all meat diet provides just that. We
get to enjoy the juicy suculance of lamb, and burgers, and chicken wings,
all the while depriving Mother Nature of her works or art (animals.)
That should keep her at bay long enough so that we can invent space
travel and fly of this rock (but not before we line the surface of the
earth with a series of timed nuclear explosives.)
So to all you scientist out there who keep trying to cross a pear with
a platypus, I say "Keep at it." We need even more interesting contortions
of fruit and vegetables. I for one have always wanted to try a banalmi
(banana crossed with salami.) Or a Tsaotato (Potato crossed with General
Tsao's chicken.) Or a lunawhich (lime combined with Tuna salad sandwich.)
And to all you hippies and other scum… "Go choke on a Blowbean!" (Blowfish
and soy beans.)
