By Wil Forbis
March 16th, 2004
Note: I have to admit that this article, the third insert in an annual
“Top Ten” list is noticeably late. I can offer no excuse than to point
once again to my recurring battle with absinthe addiction. But as we
all know, ADDICTION IS NO EXCUSE!!!
Silently, I donned my velvet,
hooded robe and ascended the steps to the inner chamber of the Acid
Logic ceremonial alter of worship. I passed the life-sized image of
the god, Zar-Nazzz, a reptilian demon that all Acid Logic contributors
must swear their souls to before their material may grace the pages
of this fine web magazine. (Read your contract, guys.) I walked towards
the throne in the middle of the stone edifice and sat down. Then I signaled
to one of the many Tahitian boy servants I keep about to bash the Acid
Logic dong of goom… I mean, gong of doom.
After its resounding bellow
rang throughout the halls I eagerly watched as a dozen robed figures
entered the room. Collected before me were the Acid Logic contributors
of the past year whose verbal gymnastics had allowed them to be nominated
for a “Top Ten” award. Though all were silent, I could tell their hearts
were filled with anticipation of this most holy of awards.
Once they had lined before
me, I spoke. “Do you have the sacrifice for great Zar-Nazzz?”
The one known as “Saleeby”
answered. “I’ve got some choice stuff for ol’ Zar-Nazzzy. It’s my most
prized possession - a talking Ann Coulter doll.”
“You have done well,” I replied.
Cody Wayne stepped forth.
“Dude, I think Zar-Nazzz is really going to appreciate this life sized
poster of Greg Palast!”
“Your bounty is appreciated,”
I nodded sagely. “And you, whom they call ‘Sandra Kay.’”
“Forbis, get out of that
stupid bathrobe and tell us who-“
“Guards! Remove this woman!
And do not allow her to look at my eyes. NOT AT MY EYES!” Several hulking
figures stepped forth from the shadows and carried Sandra Kay to the
local Greyhound bus terminal.
Tom Waters stepped forth.
“I’ve got a whole bunch of goodies here. An X-Box, Two cases of bourbon
and a yearlong subscription to ‘Stuff’ magazine.” He then added, “Hey,
I would never use the word ‘goodies.’”
And on and on. Each of the
nominees stepped forth and placed their gift in the pile growing before
the statue of Zar-Nazzz.
“You have done well,” I praised.
“You tokens will be placed into the confines of my apartment quarters
where Zar-Nazzz will be able to retrieve them at his convenience. I
shall now relay to you the recipients of the Top Ten Acid Logic Articles
10. Not All Lovable Fat
Funny Guys Die Young – John Saleeby
Ahhh, look - John Saleeby being sensitive. After old timey comedian
Buddy Hackett died John penned this stirring tribute to him and there
wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
9. Interesting Motherfuckers:
Penelope Spheeris – Wil Forbis
There’s no doubt that the Interesting Motherfuckers collection of Acid
Logic skews male. After all, most of the writers of this mag belong
to the tribe of the three-legged people, and as such we tend to revere
icons of our gender. But I was proud to add Ms. Spheeris, director of
the “Decline of Western Civilization” movies (No, it’s not a series
of PBS documentaries narrated by Noam Chomsky.), to our pages. And being
that her films were so important to my teen years, it was easy to bring
a natural enthusiasm to the piece.
8. I Want Candy – Sandra
a number of pieces of the course of 2003, but the one that stood out
most appeared in our Halloween issue and was a sugary reminiscence about
the candies of yesteryear. Along the way she deflated the “Pop Rocks”
urban legend and condemned the environmentally unfriendly candy of Japan.
7. Roach in the Walls
– Chris Kassel
Chris grabbed top place
honors with his “Side Effects” submission
in 2002. He was in fine fictional form with “Roach in the Walls” a story
about a man cursed with the ability to control the future.
6. Warren Bolster, Master
of Surf Photography – Deborah Hall
Hot on the heels of
the skate documentary, “Doggtown and Z-Boys,” Deborah offered up an
interview with sport photographer Warren Bolster, and man inexorably
tied with the twin passions of surfing and skating.
5. Interesting Motherfuckers:
Bill Hicks – Cody Wayne
Deceased comedian Bill
Hicks was a perfect candidate for Interesting Motherfuckerhood. He was
an underground philosopher whose fringe rants planted seeds that have
earned him the status of a modern day cult hero. Cody Wayne, no stranger
to fringe rants, gave Hicks his due.
4. Are You Really an American?
A New Yorker Living in Canada – Alex Kidd
I’ve long been impressed
with Alex’s very comfortable writing style, much of which can be found
blog. This piece, chronicling his interactions with our neighbors
up north is both funny and iconoclastic, offering a sober assessment
of the North American relations for countrymen and foreigners alike.
3. Food Stamp Feuds –
The guests of "Jerry
Springer" and like minded shows perfected the crazed scream long
before Howard Dean took his shot. Tom lampoons the modern afternoon
talk shows, breaking segments into to distinct categories like “The
Miracle Makeover“ and “Lesbian-Circus Dwarf-Gila Monster Love Triangle
And Other Sexual Freaks Of Nature.”
2. Apocalypse, 80’s Style
– Wil Forbis
Remember midway into
2003 when everyone was freaking out about the North Korean nuclear threat?
It struck me as asinine that we were worried about a nation with two
or three nuclear weapons after having lived through the 80’s, a decade
when thousands of nukes were pointed at every state in the nation. The
result of those ten years of fear was a slew of Hollywood films that
contemplated the possibility of atomic destruction. I broke down the
top ten in this retrospective of radioactive cinema, including such
favorites as “War Games” and “The Day After.”
1. Ain’t No Frenchmen
Ever Called Me ‘Numb Nuts’ – John Saleeby
One of the fallouts
of the war with Iraq was increased bitterness with the nation of fondue
eating frogs from across the Atlantic. Less nuanced Acid Logic readers
might’ve expected John Saleeby to be front and center, fanning the flames
of French-bashing. Instead he veered in the opposite direction, authoring
the hilarious defense of Pierre (and to a lesser degree, the Arabs)
that includes a bonus feature: The Saleeby Plan For Peace In The Middle
East. (Hey, it can’t be any less effective than the roadmaps of every
American president in the last 50 years.)