By John Saleeby
September 1, 2003
Two years after Arab Terrorists
attacked the World Trade Center Americans are sitting around talking
about how much they hate . . . the French? Two years after the Japanese
attacked Pearl Harbor were Americans sitting around talking about the
Bolivians? No, they weren't sitting around talking about anybody - They
were to busy working and fighting like Hell to save the world. That's
the difference between people then and people now. People then - Kick
Ass Mofos. People now - Kiss Ass Homos.
Speaking as an Angry White
Male, how much of this Angry White Male stuff can we get away with before
we start to feel as silly as we already sound? Whining about women?
No problem. Gays? It's the national pastime. Blacks? Don't use the "N"
word and you're in the clear. Jews? Stand up for Israel and you can
get away with anything. But the French? All those Mexicans sneaking
across the border to make those people on "The Jerry Springer Show"
look like Model Citizens and you've got your prostate wound up like
the rubber band in a balsa wood model airplane over the French?
Exactly how much of this
"French Bashing" is actual "Bashing"? How many Fox
News viewers have actually approached a Frenchman on the street, punched
him in the nose, kicked him in the stomach, and smashed his head into
the pavement until his skull cracked open and a delicious desert of
strawberry sorbet with a chocolate sauce spilled forth? Not many, I
bet. After all, there's always the chance that once you have punched
that Frenchman in the nose he might punch you in the nose right back,
kick you in the stomach, and then you might be getting your head smashed
into the pavement until . . . Well, there's nothing in there to spill
forth, if your head was ever smashed against the pavement it would shatter
like ancient Iraqi pottery.
Psychological pioneer Sigmund
Freud - Who wasn't French so you'll probably eat his crap with a Dresden
spoon - had a theory called "Transference" which held that
everything you do is a substitute for what you'd really like to do but
don't because you suck. This may explain why we are all fussing about
the French while we are at war with the Arab World.
You want to see how much
these people really care about the French? Put President Bush on TV
and have him announce that, because of all the millions of Americans
sitting around talking about how much they hate the French, he is declaring
all out war on France, drafting all Americans between the ages of sixteen
and twenty one, and calling for a fifteen percent sales tax to pay for
the war effort. Then all we'll hear is "A war with the French?
Why are we having a war with the French? What the hell did the French
ever do? Huh? Wha? Huh?"
French Jokes are strictly
Amateur Night - Oh, They don't bathe, the women don't shave their armpits,
the men kiss each other, they've lost a lot of wars, they worship Jerry
Lewis - Not even the guys who were in Gym Class with me in Junior High
School had so much ammunition for cheap, easy jokes. But Muslim jokes?
Arab jokes? Americans might have to actually learn something about Muslims
and Arabs if they're ever going to be able to knock out the kind of
ad lib one-liners they can about the French. What? Americans? Learn?
Have you been in one of our public schools lately? Another problem
with nutty wacky kooky Arab humor - We've just finished killing thousands
of Arab women and children. How funny is that? When some doofus makes
a quick French "snail eater" joke he doesn't have the factual
knowledge of piles of dead French children rotting in the sun to mess
with his timing. Well, maybe a German does, but Germans don't have any
sense of humor and I think now we know why.
So what if the French wouldn't
help us invade Iraq? I'll tell you something about the French - When
Napoleon got it into his head to invade Egypt did he go running all
over the world like a little bitch trying to get every country in the
world to help him? Nope, he just up and done it! And then he had his
artillery shoot the Sphinx's face off just for the hell of it. KAPOW!
KAPING! KAPONG! Now, THAT'S a White Man! If we had the kinda balls to
do that kinda thing the Arabs wouldn't mess with anybody in the west
for another one hundred and fifty years. Shucks.
The really funny part is
this thing about the French being so horrible but the English being
just DUCKY. Says who? The only advantage the English have over the French
is that they speak the same language that we do. But when are they ever
going to say anything worth listening to? Do you have any idea how long
it's been since Monty Python and the Sex Pistols? After "Monty
Python have announced that they have broken up" and "The Sex
Pistols have announced that they have fuckin' broken up" all Americans
have heard from the English is how stupid we are. Oh wait, how stupid
we are and some stuff about a band called Radial Tread and some rip
off of "Day Of The Dead" called "Twenty Eight Days Of
The Dead Later". Otherwise, it's "Stupid Americans this",
"Stupid Americans that", "Stupid Americans walk the dog",
and "Stupid Americans feed the cat".
I think the French have it
all over the English. Why would anybody go to London when you can go
to Paris? London is about as sexy as Cincinnati - Why pay all that money
to fly across the Atlantic for that? You could go down thirty miles
east of Long Island and it would be more picturesque.
Even stranger than liking
the English more than the French is hating the French more than the
Germans. What's so bad about the Germans? Apparently I am the only person
in America left who remembers what's so bad about the Germans because
if everybody else did we'd all be over there killing every one of the
bastards right now. Unless you're all over there killing every one of
them right now as a surprise birthday present to me.
"Oh! All the Germans
are dead! For ME!?! I love you guys!!"
The Great Disappointment
Of My Life is that I never got to go to Europe and kill Germans when
I grew up. That's what I always thought I was going to do when I grew
up as a little kid - Go to Europe and kill Germans! Wasn't that what
practically every American had done in the past - Go to Europe and kill
Germans? Shit yeah! And it looked fun - Damn fun. Hey, Steven Spielberg!
Take the first ten minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" and shove
it up your ass! The Normandy Invasion was a BLAST! Yeah yeah yeah, a
lot of Americans got killed, why you gotta be a bummer? For every American
who got killed at Normandy one hundred goddam no good piece of shit
son of a bitch bastid Germans got killed! It was HI-LAAAR-I-OUS!!! What
the hell does a guy who doesn't have the balls to take pleasure in killing
Germans get off making a movie about the Normandy Invasion? Screw him!
I'm not going to see his Holocaust movie until they release Jerry
Lewis' Holocaust movie. Yeah, Jerry Lewis made a Holocaust movie
and the fact that you stupid Americans never heard of it is further
evidence of The Evil "Everybody Hate The French But Forget About
How We Should Kill All The Germans" Conspiracy. Mon Dieu! Yeah,
that's what France means to me - The Place Where Americans Go To Kill
Germans! Why go to England and Italy to ride around in double decker
buses and gondolas when you can go to France and kill Germans? I wouldn't
go to Italy if they had double decker gondolas!
But nobody wants to go to
France and kill Germans anymore - Noooo! All anybody wants to do nowadays
is go to the Middle East and kill Arabs - Where's the sport in that?
That's like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel with no water in it.
A barrel full of sand. A barrel full of sand and dead fish because there's
no water in it, just sand. Even that is more fun than killing Arabs.
Poor Arabs! Imagine South Americans without cocaine, that crazy rhythm,
and coochie coochie coochie sexuality. If Arabs were a movie they'd
be "Dickie Roberts - Former Child Star"!
Yeah, here's The Saleeby
Plan For Peace In The Middle East - Kill all the Germans, turn their
big empty country over to the Israelis, and leave all those poor Arabs
the hell alone! They never bothered nobody, why are they being punished
for the friggin' Holocaust while millions of Germans are walking around
getting away with that Lovable Jolly Beer Drinking Scorpions Fan act?
They ain't foolin' nobody!!
Now . . . See how ugly things
get once you start talking about all the people you hate? Life isn't
about Hate, Life is all about LOVE!!! (Saleeby puts on "Imagine"
by John Lennon, lights up a joint, and cuts his nuts off with a pair
of pruning shears) See, I don't really hate the Germans - I was only
trying to teach you all a little lesson. And that lesson is . . . Say,
there's an old rerun of "Three's Company" on right now and
- I never really noticed this before - that Joyce DeWitt really had
one nice little ass! See, we were all "Tit Men" back in the
seventies so when that show first came on we were all crazy about Suzanne
Somers. But now twenty-five years later America is all about Ass! Ass!
Ass! and Joyce DeWitt is DeShit! Hhhmmm, I wonder if digging Janet as
much as Chrissie makes this show any funnier? Lemmee turn the sound
up here . . .