By Tom “Triple T” Waters
June
1 , 2004
Call me a geek because I don't find the idea of watching two oiled up grown men in one piece spandex man-handling each other interesting. |
There was a time when I thought that the popularity of professional
football was a clear indicator that the civilized part of civilization was on
the
way out. I was wrong. Football is only a mild fungus compared to the
sensationalistic stupidity of 'professional' wrestling. The fans are a lot
worse, the
sport itself dumbs people down faster than a mallet to the medulla, and it's
appeal is larger and more subversive than one could ever predict. Twenty
years ago, it was a joke sport that aired on no-name cable stations on the
weekends between reruns. Now it's everywhere. There is a 'Slam,'Bash,' and 'Fest'
for
every day of the week, every season of the year, and every holiday that can
profit from a pay-per-view special. There is no redeeming value to wrestling.
Football fans are stodgy intellectuals by comparison. Football itself has
strategy, sportsmanship, and daring-do. What does wrestling have to offer? Fat
men in leotards bouncing off of cushioned arenas. It is the pixie stick of
the wide world of sports.
Just thinking about it makes me quiver with psychosis. A number of
boy-men my age beg off of the fascination, rationalizing it's appeal as tongue
in
cheek. They're aware that the drama behind the scenes is fake, but they
pretend to get into it anyway. Bull. High camp is Ed Wood. Tongue in cheek
can be
found in "Waiting for Guffman," "Mars Attacks," or even "The Larry Sanders Show" to
some extent. Wrestling is about as tongue in cheek as "Buffy The Vampire
Slayer." It's too lowbrow to achieve joke-within-a-joke status. The fans
exhibit
the same zeal that some housewives project towards soap opera characters when
they refer to the actors by their character names. It's worse than a soap
opera, because it pretends to be real.
The
plot lines are cartoonish, the acting is horrendous, and who needs a back
story? Week in and week out the writers come up with reasons for two guys to go
into a ring and jump up on top of each other. Watching one episode is one
too many.
They say that it's harmless and fun. So is a lobotomy, and both have the
same long term effects. Wrestling used to be a southern fascination for
stupid people who had nothing to tune into since the Nascar season was over and
they couldn't watch cars go around in circles anymore. Now it's spread around
the globe and back like some diabolical STD. The Rock, a musclebound bonehead
with about as much acting talent as a limp sponge, has starred in a number of
films, guest hosted SNL, and released a best selling book. Who wrote it for
him, a team of monkeys with a typing certificate? Agh!
There is zero intrinsic value to the squared circle. It's popularity
triggers more rage for me than grown ups who try to convince me that Harry
Potter
is entertaining. At least Harry Potter leads some people to read. Perhaps
it's the homoeroticism that never attracted me. Why do grown men whoop and
catcall and reduce themselves to the level of beasts at these events unless
they're sexually excited on some level? I refuse to be converted. Call me a
geek
because I don't find the idea of watching two oiled up grown men in one piece
spandex man-handling each other interesting. I guess I missed that boat. The
boat has sailed where I found it entertaining to see group after group of
hairy, out of shape brutes locking beards and pummeling their appendages against
each other. It's just not my idea of a fun night to see a guy hop off a
large pole and bring the full weight of his bulk on top of another man. I wish
I
could say that that excited me but I can't. I wish that it drove me to buy
goofy t-shirts and get tattoos with my favorite wrestler's name on my arm, but
it doesn't.
My neighbor and my boss are constantly trying to talk me into watching
wrestling with them. They're both partially reasonable men, so I forgive them
their setbacks. I've been trying to come up with a subtle way of telling my
neighbor that I despise wrestling and that it goes against the grain of
everything I stand for. Most men I know who are into wrestling get together and
watch it in private away from women. Why do you suppose that is? Guys sitting
around whooping it up watching half naked men on t.v. just doesn't sound like my
idea of a good time. I used to be a big fan of wrestling....when I was
twelve. Then I grew up. Sort of.
Once in a blue moon I prefer to watch heavyweight boxing. There's actual
training that goes into it and the outcome isn't predetermined. The
contenders talk a little smack leading up to a fight but it has nothing to do
with
having their girlfriend stolen away or the other opponent blowing up their
double
wide trailer. They wail on each other without bumping uglies or gyrating
against each other in a horizontal position. There's occasional hugging, but
only when the boxers are exhausted. And no one in the audience wears trucker
hats or large foam fingers. I prefer my sports-related violence with little or
no gay overtones and extra doses of violence. Forget the fake blood and bring
in more of the real stuff. I want to see eyeballs sealing shut and ears
getting bitten off like appetizers. Show me stitches and roundhouses and
uppercuts
that knock jaws out of their natural placement. Anything other than smoke
machines, theme outfits, and cage matches with leather-clad out of shape
lummoxes breaking chairs over each others heads. I'll watch a weekend full of
football before I tune in to Monday Night Soap Drop Massacre or WCW Buggery
Friday.
The closest I'll ever get to either in this lifetime is lubricated lesbian
porn, which, unfortunately, is not a legitimate sport at the time this essay was
written.
