By Cody Wayne
1 , 2004
I'm back to my days as a six-year-old with only five or so channels on the TV set by way of antenna. None of that digital cable or satellite dish bullshit. I'll never own that tripe. It seems to me that something of a survivalist bell should go off in your skull to alert you to the fact that by buying the dish network or other similar service that, in essence, you're paying to have your own brain finally and forever washed clean of independent thought. If you were living in the early to mid-sixties, doctors in Canadian psychiatric wards, under CIA surveillance, could've put you through the same process in just a few short or long weeks depending on how you might perceive time during the ordeal. All you need is a daily overdose of good pure LSD-25 and some electro-chock therapy two or three times a day. It's proven to wipe out your memory completely. It works so well, you'll forget what your name is, who your parents are, how to cook an egg, and how to piss (). Now certainly, if you think you can use 999 channels, if you think you need that many options when you sit down in front of the brain-fuck tube, then it's clear that you watch TV for no other reason than for the sake of watching TV. fer TV's sake. because it's there.
This is what They want.
My suggestion is this: Go find someone with connections to some really good LSD and spend the same amount of money you would've paid for let's say ten years of dish network or digital cable service. Buy as much as you can. Then eat it all. When you're peaking, attach your jumper cables, or your neighbor's, to your car battery. Next, attach the other ends of the cable to your fucking skull, preferably your ears. Last, have a good friend or neighbor start your car. It's quick, it's most likely painless due to your LSD intake, and good fuckin' lord, whadda ride! Trust me. you can't buy that experience from your local cable or dish pushers and you're getting the same exact service: utter brain meltdown.
I like being back in the basic TV era. I've got channel 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 28 and a bunch of foreign shit, mostly from Mexico and Japan. When I was a kid, we had the three major networks and two local stations. I didn't get cable till I was in fifth grade and my parents got divorced. I remember that being one of the few benefits of having my parents divorced: Dad had to pay for our cable for some reason even though we didn't have cable before the divorce. Dad got shafted on that deal. Is it always the guy that gets douched in those legal splits? Yeah, pretty much. My bestest buddy from back east is going through a divorce after less than a year of marriage. He's now choosing a life of hermit-tude in the woods of north central Pennsylvania. Land is cheap and he's got three dogs. When all else fails, you've always got domesticated animals. They know nothing of betrayal or fucking around with your trust and emotions. I was the best man at his wedding and had a helluva time. That bitch came from a filthy rich family and they threw down for that shit. The bar had no time limit, or did it? Regardless, it may as well of had no limit 'cause every time I went up for a gin and tonic I didn't have to pay shit except for tip. It was this huge grand occasion with at least 200 people and it ended up being a complete sham. Meaningless. a total waste of time. well maybe not so much time as emotion. I wasted my emotions over that shit. Fuck weddings - that's what I learned from that experience. Have a big party to celebrate your love and skip all the traditional vomit of church and vows and schedules and diamond bands. Have a celebration, but fuck tradition. Go with the spirit of anarchy. Use the money you would've spent on a traditional ceremony and reception and get your favorite small band to play live for you and your loved ones. like Ween. Ween will play anywhere as long as they get 10,000 bucks. If I'm gonna be throwin' down mighty dollars in the capitalist gang-bang, I'd rather be supporting something I believe in than a burned-out DJ, a grandiose party cubical, and, for God's sake, a fucking church! And a diamond ring?! That just proves that wedding ceremonies, receptions, and everything that goes along with it, just like Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Secretaries Day, Valentine's Day, etc. exists for exactly one purpose: to scrape away funds from the civilian sector when one would normally be disinclined to buy a fucking thing. Don't you get a synthetically stupid feeling thinking that you shouldn't buy that diamond engagement ring for that girl you love? If you were of natural clean thought, you would ask yourself, "Why is there meaning attached to the fact that I might spent 2000 dollars for a fucking rock that has much more use in the industrial sector?" As always, the meaning has been shoveled into our faces by a corporation and their hired advertising goons: DeBeers and A.W. Ayers. Another corporation and its feeder-fish toadies fucking our asses full of myth so that we buy what they're sellin', since 1938. If you watch enough TV and stare at enough billboards telling you that "Diamonds are forever," you'll be brainwashed, too! How 'bout that.
So that gets back to this whole TV thing. Less channels is better in the long run. After a while, with less channels, one might find the fruits of channel surfing to be without merit. In order to dumb it down a bit, let's say you have two channels. If you sat down to watch TV just for the sake of watching TV, you would flip on channel A to see what's on. Nothing. You flip to channel B. Nothing. You flip back to A. Still nothing. B - nothing. A - zilch. Now, unless you happen to be insane (perhaps from LSD and electro-shock), this channel flipping would prove fruitless and you would stop. You'll turn that fucker off and read a book or chop some wood or play with the dog. So unless you've got something in mind to watch, why sit down in front of the brain-fuck tube? In other words, is there any reason to turn your TV on except for when there's a specific show you wanna watch? OK, maybe to check out a show you just recently heard about, but then there's the idea of having NINE-HUNDRED 'N FUCKIN' NINETY NINE channels. Just how much of our spare time are we meant to spend choosing between programs on 999 mutha' fuckin' channels? What can we say for ourselves by recognizing the fact that corporate media sources thought we might want 999 channels. and that they were absolutely right?