From the desk of executive secretary, Wil Forbis
January 1st, 2007
To our loyal customers,
You are no doubt aware of the recent economic uncertainty that has been resonating throughout Wall Street. As a result, you may have understandable concerns over the security of your investments at Tumwater and Dowbringer Financial Services. At Tumwater and Dowbringer we've long advised that clients take the long view in reference to their financial security and warn against making decisions based on events that may change day-to-day. And we feel that our keen insight and deep analysis can strengthen our client's handle the upcoming economic turbulence.
Numerous financial firms and analytical organizations have been offering a range of possibilities as to what may be facing the United States and indeed the world on the economic road ahead. These possibilities include the benign --- a light recession followed by a full economic recovery --- to the quite grim --- a full-scale depression replete with double-digit unemployment rates, faltering consumer confidence and economic devastation lasting for years.
It is the view of Tumwater Dowbringer that all these analyses are incorrect. After studying numerous financial histories, correlating a vast pool of data points and analyzing energy reserves across the world we believe our clients should design their portfolio to anticipate the occurrence of an economic depression five times as devastating as the one that took place after the 1929 stock market crash. This will spread to a global panic that will ensnare the entire planet. Inflation will rise, poverty will mount and food shortages will break out in the third world. Paper currency will become near worthless and the only thing having real value will be precious metals like gold and silver. Additionally, this phase of the forecasted economic downturn will likely be known as "the good old days."
We further predict that after the initial financial meltdown, a strange meteorite will crash into the earth either somewhere in Northern Africa or South America. The meteorite will release a greenish/orange gas that will turn 78% of the human population into flesh eating, cannibalistic zombies. These hoary hoards of the undead will spread across all the continents, devastating the living with their unceasing hunger for human brains. Our Financial Analysts have determined that the only way to stop the zombies will be by separating their head from the rest of their body, preferably by using a samurai sword made out of 90% quantium (a new type of metal that will be derived from the elements found in the meteorite) and blessed by an Incan priest.
But we caution our clients not to become too pessimistic. Out of this calamity will arise numerous financial opportunities. The 5% of humanity that survives in non-zombie form (another 4% of the world's population will likely be killed by the giant volcano that will erupt suddenly in the center of Europe, significantly immolating the artistic and cultural traditions of Western civilization) will serve as a consumer base desperate for the most basic goods and services. Clients of Tumwater and Dowbringer who have positioned their portfolios correctly will stand to benefit significantly. Understand that at this point paper currency and markets will be obsolete and humanity will be exchanging foods and necessities with a primitive bartering system. Our clients will ascend from the quantium laced Tumwater and Dowbringer underground lair (map provided in attached document) and will provide essential foods, supplies and weaponry to the surviving human populace. The survivors will offer payment in the form of their undying loyalty, servitude and the sexual services of their underaged daughters.
At Tumwater and Dowbringer financial services, we believe that keeping this long view of the coming financial crisis will allow our clients to substantially increase their portfolio value. As always, we caution that these are recommendations, and are not guarantees. Work with your personal Financial Analyst to design your portfolio around your needs.
Wil Forbis is a
well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending
chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the
world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy,
he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.