Tom "moist towelette" Waters
May 1 , 2008
Perhaps I’m being sexist, but women should only leave the house in leather mini-skirts and six inch pumps. That includes Mother Theresa, even though she’s deceased. Women who wear sweat pants in public look like unattractive slobs. It’s far more socially acceptable to wear the same pair of jeans to any and every social or casual situation until they vaporize off of your body.
Estrogen n: a substance (as a hormone) that promotes development of various female characteristics.
After living with my future wife for almost four years now, Iíve notice a number of core differences between men and women. I had my suspicions in previous relationships and in my dealings with the opposite sex through the ages, but Lindsayís confirmed many of my hypotheses without her knowledge that I was bringing crucial intel back to the warfront. I took great care to remove the electrodes before she woke up and stopped spiking her drink water with truth serums when she began to catch on. They are a strange, confusing and fascinating species with a number of universal traits in common. Here, for the first time, I will present my findings.
1. Women Hate Almost All Other Women With a Blinding Rage That Defies Reason:
This perplexes and amuses me in turns. I donít understand it, but itís true. Sure, they have friends and same-sex relatives, but they secretly hate all of them. Common interests are scorned, personal hygiene habits are examined under a microscope and intellectual fortitude is brought into question the second they leave each otherís sight. Women will scrutinize and pick their female acquaintances to shreds with a vicious, methodical and brutal intensity. Any other woman is viewed as competition of some form or another and they have an innate talent to smile, hug and air kiss each other and launch a kitchenetteís worth of daggers at each other the second they walk away. You may disagree, but youíd be wrong to, and then I would call you a jackanape. Truly, all women hate almost all other women with a blinding rage that defies reason.
2. Women Use Enough Tissues, Kleenex, Toilet Paper And Moisturizing Products To Construct A Pinata The Size Of Wisconsin:
Iím not sure when theyíre being used, why or how, but Iíve stocked the bathroom with four rolls of toilet paper only to come up short and hopping through the kitchen with my pants down not three days later looking for reinforcements.
Somehow, I have a drawer under my sink that is filled with creams, salves and lotions that Iím incapable of pronouncing or explaining the purposes of. On a few occasions, Iíve caught her applying lotion to her hands when her guard was down before bed, but this doesnít explain the 462 different tubes of moisturizer. If my hands were dry and I was the sort of person who used moisturizer (which Iím not), logic would dictate that one tube would be enough to do the job until it ran out. 462 tubes of moisturizer is significantly more than one.
Being crass, common and male, I often blow my nose with a paper towel rather than making the long eight foot trek into the bathroom to grab a tissue. This works out well, because there are no tissues to be rationed out to men. We buy two boxes every other month and itís a minor miracle if I get to use one sheet or tab or whatever the hell you call them. She also keeps a portable package of tissues in her glove compartment for nose emergencies along with moist towelettes. If I sneeze in my car, I will either hunt under the seats for a discarded fast food napkin or wipe my hand off on the avalanche of ATM receipts in my armrest. Maybe itís a difference of having class and having no class. I have no class, so I canít differentiate.
3. Women Love To Wear Sweat Pants and Pajamas:
I think sweat pants are the first and final sign that you no longer care about the shape your body is reverting to. There is a strict íno sweat pantsí policy enforced in my household. She still tries to slip one past the goalie by wearing sweat pants facsimiles only to be vetoed. Sweat pants are unattractive, stuffy and uncomfortable. Iíve also seen a certain cross section of mothers and daughters who go shopping, hop on an airplane flight or run errands in their sweat pants. Perhaps Iím being sexist, but women should only leave the house in leather mini-skirts and six inch pumps. That includes Mother Theresa, even though sheís deceased. Women who wear sweat pants in public look like unattractive slobs. Itís far more socially acceptable to wear the same pair of jeans to any and every social or casual situation until they vaporize off of your body. Iím not talking about anyone in particular, mind you, Iím just generalizing. And women at any age love pajamas, bloomers, jumpers or any evening wear that ends with íersí. Lindsay spends her entire weekend in pajamas. I take my shirt off and throw it on the floor before we go to bed. Iím not a í50s sitcom father and Iím not 12 years old, so my days of wearing pajamas are over.
4. Women Will Only Eat Normally In Private:
If you believe that females eat the way they do in restaurants, at work or during family gatherings all the time, youíd be wrong, and Iíd call you a jackanape. Call it a symptom of society, but they wonít eat a regular meal in the presence of other people. If itís a dinner out with friends, they will order one of the healthiest items on the menu and eat a third of it, claiming that theyíre stuffed. Two hours later, when no one is looking, they will eat a novelty sized chocolate bar the size of a plasma television and top it off with an entire box of rosemary Triscuits. Rosemary does not enter into my snacking equation. I donít even know what rosemary is, and I intend to keep it that way. Itís the secret meals that sustain them through the three or four days of exposed, miniature meals. I have no qualms against shoveling a double order of chicken wings in the direction of my mouth and swallowing the bones whole while pouring half of the sauce on my pants. I would do it for a room of spectators if someone else was buying. A lady wonít do that. Damned if I know why, but itís true.
5. Women Clean When They Are Angry and/or When Company Is Coming Over:
Unlike Gene Simmonís A-Z telephone-book-sized list of women heís slept with, I can count the women Iíve been with on four hands and count the number Iíve lived with on one. And yet they all went on psychotic housekeeping frenzies before, during and after a fight. If we have an argument, I can eat my dinner off the toilet, the kitchen floor and even the nooks and crannies behind the couch without so much as one dust bunny intruding on my meal. In the span of ten minutes, the dishes are lined up on the rack and making that sparkling íting!í noise you hear in the commercials. If friends are coming over, I just get the hell out of the way because she turns into a Tasmanian Devil with disinfectants. Now if my friends came over and ran a white glove test, they wouldnít be my friends, but she does it anyway. I think itís pointless to uphold the illusion that your living quarters are hospital clean all the time. Nobody lives that way except for obsessive compulsives, Martha Stewart and people who can afford a professional cleaning service. Nevertheless, an hour before company, Iím told that we donít want our guests to think we live like pigs. I am a pig! All of my acquaintances are well aware of this! So who are we fooling? If they donít like the dust, then they can damn well clean it. Maybe thatís the wrong attitude to have. Iíd rather clean pretty well most of the time than have to go on lockdown at T-Minus sixty minutes to company and play catch up, but thatís me.
6. Unless They Just Left The Salon, Women Hate Their Hair:
This is a stereotype because itís true. If itís curly, they wish it was straight, if itís blonde, they wish it was purple, and if itís short, they wish their hair was down to their ankles like Lady Godiva. This probably has a lot to do with the general maintenance and upkeep of long hair. I used to wear mine long and it was a constant pain in the tuccus to groom it every day so that it didnít look like a crowís nest. Unfortunately, women with short hair all look like Tom Brokaw, so thatís not a viable option. Unless you want to look like Tom Brokaw. And if they ask you how it looks, back away, jump out of a window, or relocate to another state. Donít fall into that trap because youíll lose every time.
7. When Women Donít Shave Their Legs, They Have More Hair Than An Orangutan On Rogain:8. Women Remember Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christenings And Bar Mitzvahs:
Many people donít know this, but unless a woman is actively pursuing a man in the beginning stages of a relationship or vacation in Maui, they will go the entire winter season shaving their legs rarely or not at all. The bottom half of their body begins to resemble Clyde from íAny Which Way But Looseí and their legs become cactus-like and horrific. Scientists have been unable to determine if this is a defense mechanism to ward off sexual advances from the captive male, a method of gathering heat in colder climates, or total laziness. Weíll just say that five oíclock shadow isnít just a phenomenon that occurs on your face and leave it at that.
Youíll thank them for this rule later because it will save your ass time and again. I wouldnít remember my own birthday most years if I didnít start getting cards in the mail. I donít know how they do it, but I think it has something to do with writing these events down on whatís referred to as a ĎcalendarĎ. Somehow they find out when someoneís special event takes place and then transcribe this information into the appropriate slot in their date books and wall calendars. Itís an advanced technique with far-reaching properties I canít even begin to fathom. Theyíve tried to teach me how to do it, but itís way over my head.
9. Women Have An Unhealthy Fixation With Scented Candles, Designer Teas And All For A Dollar Outlets And Boutiques:
To us, theyíre columns of wax with inferior lighting in this age of halogen lamps and the 100 Watt light bulb. To them, theyíre decorative masterpieces that accent a household with captivating smells like linen, vanilla, spice and other tantalizing scents. I say if they want the smell of fresh linen, they should do the laundry more often! Ha ha! I will never understand the appeal of candles. As Freud said, íCandles are Candles all the time.í Thatís a direct quote. The only pleasant odors in my household that I really care about are the smell of green peppers and onions sautťing on an open range. Men have less refined olfactory senses, though. We donít utilize candles for a romantic interlude, a long bath, a quite rainy evening, or a good book on an afternoon alone. If we did, we would be gay. Men have two occasions for lighting candles: Christmas Mass and when the power goes out. There is little to no deviation from this course. But as Marie Antoinette said, íLet them have their goddamned candles.í She was a smart woman.
And since Iím not British, I donít get tea either. Perhaps this ties in to the female olfactory glands. Why spend a half hour brewing one fancy cup of tea when you can percolate an entire pot of coffee in five minutes? Thereís a nuance that weíre missing here. Teas pretend to have healing properties and a wide range of flavors. It all tastes the same to me. Men only drink tea when thereís three shots of vodka in it or when there is no coffee left in the house and weíre rummaging through the cupboards in a caffeine frenzy. Tea has no place in my lifestyle, but itís crucial to theirs.
And if you walk in to your local Dollar General, Monsignor 99 Cents, Everything Haphazardly Hung From Hooks For The Vicinity Of A Buck or Random Crap For $1.08 Including Tax, youíll find a veritable army of women. I wouldnít recommend walking into any of them, though. Thatís enemy territory. Theyíve claimed these outlets as their own. I donít know why youíd want to walk into them because thereís nothing even remotely interesting about them. If you shoveled all of the leftover crafts, wrapping paper, corny knick-knacks and party favors from your third birthday party when your mom made you a coconut birthday cake even though you hate coconuts and you cried in front of all your friendsÖwell, maybe that was just me, but if you dumped all of that garbage with no regard for how it looked into bins and onto shelves in a 10,000 square foot area, youíd have a dollar store. This plays into the different motivators between men and women where shopping is concerned. Men have an objective and a goal to their shopping trips. They go somewhere with an item in mind, capture the flag and return to base. Women go shopping sometimes just to wander around aimlessly for hours on end smelling candles, trying out fragrances and coming up with centerpiece ideas. They often wonít come home with anything! What is the point of that, I ask you? Dollar stores fulfill this basic, female need.
10. Women Donít Lapse Into A Coma After Sex:
This is once again an issue of genetics. This is one of godís little jokes. While weíre on the verge of snoring, they start chattering away and sharing delightful stories about work, current events and the misfortunes of their friends. The sexual act energizes them while it reduces us to sawing logs. Iím sure thereís a biological explanation to all of this but itís not going to change anything. Perhaps the endorphin rush puts us out in order to cope with all the yackety yackety.
If you think that there are any exceptions to these rules, then youíre either stupid, wrong or misinformed. Oh, and Iíll call you a jackanapes. If you find these findings sexist or chauvinistic in any way, shape or form, then get in the kitchen and start making my dinner! I still donít understand the fairer sex, but studying their behavior helps to demystify some of the mysteries. From an anthropological standpoint, if we can dissect their habits, then weíre halfway there to finding a cure for all these maladies. Itís a good thing that men are perfect in every way or Iíd have a hell of a time making room for my day job.