By John Saleeby
June 1st, 2016
You know how it is - You’re flipping through all the Channels looking for “The John Saleeby Show” but you never find it because TV is run by people I pissed off while I was doing Stand Up in New York. But there’s that one Channel you keep running into with Actresses who were better looking Twenty Years ago saying things like “You’re having an affair?”, “I’m having an affair!”, “You’re divorcing me?”, and “I’m divorcing you!” until you realize it’s not “The John Saleeby Show” and move on to the next Channel. Well, you are screwing because that Channel is the Lifetime Network and there ain’t no Movie like a Lifetime Network Movie! No wonder nobody went to see “John Saleeby Spills His Coffee” - DAMN!
I want to tell you about three Lifetime Movies that have me Swearing a Lifetime of Fidelity to Women I have never heard of Played by Actresses I will never meet - “A Woman Scorned”, “Seduced By Madness”, and “Wife, Mother, Murderer” (None of these Movies feature Lifetime Juggernaut Valerie Bertinelli. I watch any more Movies Starring that Wonderful Woman and I will wind up crawling around in the Parking Lot moaning and groaning and rubbing gravel into my hair).
Ann-Margret in happier times
These are all Movies about Women who kill their Husbands. Which is terribly disturbing until you realize that those guys deserved what was coming to them. Yeah, Murder is a bit much but, What The Hell, it’s only a Movie - You want to sit around watching a Three Hour, Two Part Movie where the only thing that happens is a Custody Hearing? Yeah, in Real Life a Woman ought to Work out her differences with her Spouse through a little Couple’s Therapy and a Coke Fueled Vegas Threesome with a College Girl they picked up at the Hotel Swimming Pool but in a goddamn Movie she OWES it to the Viewers to get a Shot Gun and blow the Bastard’s Head off in the Middle of a Kiddie Birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese. Sam Peckinpah didn’t make “The Wild Bunch” for nothing! The Husband in “A Woman Scorned” Must Be Destroyed because he dumps his Wife (Played by Meredith Baxter, who throws herself into the Role with such conviction she ought to be in a Movie where She plays the Mississippi River) for his Cute Young Secretary. He SCORNED a WOMAN, For Cryin’ Out Loud!
The Husband in “Seduced By Madness” seems like a Nice Guy until the next Morning when you drink some Coffee and it hits you that he is much of a No Good Bum as the Woman Scorning piece of crap in “A Woman Scorned”. Ohhhh Yeahhhh, he only divorces his Wife because she’s so mean and crazy! Well, Cry Me A River! So what if your Wife is mean and crazy? Your Wife looks like ANN-MARGRET!!! Do you know how LUCKY you are to be Married to a Woman that looks like ANN-MARGRET!?! A guy who’s Married to a Woman that looks like ANN-MARGRET could fall into a Vat of Molten Steel and still be The Luckiest Man In Town!!! And The Producers of “Seduced By Madness” were so determined to make a Movie about a mean crazy Woman that looks like ANN-MARGRET they went to all the trouble and expense of hiring ANN-MARGRET Her Own Fine Self to Play the Role! You GO, “Seduced By Madness” Producers! Ann-Margret in “Seduced By Madness” may not be Ann-Margret in “Carnal Knowledge” but who the Hell are you to be picky? Any Ann-Margret is good Ann-Margret and you will take any Ann-Margret you can get! Who the Hell do you think you are - Joe Namath in “C.C. And Company”? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!
What about the Husband in “Wife, Mother, Murderer”? He gets finished off at pretty much the beginning of the Movie but, from what we’ve seen of the Masculine Half of the other Couples in these Movies, I’ll bet you the Wife, Mother, and Soon To Be Murderer in this Movie had a good reason to kill the Son Of A Bitch. I Hereby Decree that the Lifetime Network must slap together a Prequel to “Wife, Mother, Murderer” entitled “He Was Making It With A Teenage Chick With Jugs Like You Wouldn’t Believe”! Don’t feel sorry for that jerk cause his Wife put him in the Boneyard, HE WAS MAKING IT WITH A TEENAGE CHICK WITH JUGS LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!!! How old was Lacey Chabert when they made “Wife, Mother, Murderer”? Lacey Chabert still has another three or four more years of being able to play a Teenage Chick With Jugs Like You Wouldn’t Believe - LET’S GET HER IN HERE AND MAKE SOME LIFETIME MAGIC!!! “Wife, Mother, Murderer” Stars the always delightful Judith Light whom you probably remember trying real hard not to slap the shit out of Tony Danza on “Who’s The Boss” and I remembered the name of that Show without having to look it up on the Internet so you know that my Love for Judith Light is True! Tony Danza isn’t in “Wife, Mother, Murderer” or it would have been called “Wife, Mother, Murderer, And A Pizza Place”. Anyway, Judith Light is really beautiful in this Movie and when she fakes her own Death and comes back pretending to be her Twin Sister you will be glad you aren’t watching whatever is going on at MSNBC (Rachel Maddow would come back pretending to be her Twin Brother).
Yeah, Movies about Women killing their Husbands are The Best but now that Gay Marriage is A Happening Scene are we going to have Movies about Men killing their Husbands? I only ask because I’m concerned about Neil Patrick Harris’ Career. Lifetime is a Woman’s Movie Network so Gay Husband Killing Movies will have to be shown on a Gay Network - Like ABC! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! Oh, fuck you.
Yeah, man, I LOVE the Lifetime Network! What does Comedy Central or AMC got that Lifetime ain’t got? Oh, “The Daily Show” and “Breaking Bad” - BIG DEA!L! Jon Stewart and Bryan Cranston only quit those Shows cause Valarie Bertinelli and Tracy Gold had signed up with the Lifetime Softball Team and they were out to KICK ASS and KICK ASS the Lifetime way! Lifetime Movies are so Hard Core that if John Ford and Howard Hawks were alive today they’d be making Movies about Husbands dumping their Wives for Younger Women, Women whose Husbands dump them for Younger Women, and Younger Women who fall for Married Men . . . HEY, TARANTINO! GET IN ON THIS ACTION BEFORE MICHAEL BAY SNAPS IT ALL UP!!
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Check Out John Saleeby's
crazy Acid Logic Blog!