The Greatest Acting Performances In The History Of Cinema? Lordy, the dumb conversations I’ve had with People just because they had Beer! But, I dunno, Marlon Brando in “Streetcar Named Desire”? Vivien Leigh in “Gone With The Wind”? Wait - Wasn’t Vivien Leigh in that thing about the Streetcar? Everything gets so complicated! I didn’t even know that “www” at the beginning of every Web Site Address was for “Weed, Whites, and Wine” until last Tuesday. Ha Ha, a little Seventies FM Radio Humor for . . . 

But getting back to that Greatest Acting Performance shit . . . (Saleeby opens the envelope, lets Asia Argento read the name of the Winner) “ . . . The Little African Devil Doll That Comes To Life And Runs Around Trying To Kill Karen Black In ‘Trilogy Of Terror’!!!” The Little African Devil Doll charges onstage looking kind of awkward in the Tuxedo his Agent made him wear (“I thought it was ‘Gary Coleman!” Saleeby later told Wolf Blitzer), slices Asia Argento’s Throat, and chases Saleeby around the stage while everybody else gets the FUCK out of there! Little African Devil Doll is SCARY!!!

Every notice how EXCITED People get when the Little African Devil Doll in “Trilogy Of Terror” comes up in conversation? Go ahead and try it tomorrow at Work. There won’t be anything accomplished for at least an Hour - Guys running all over the place doing their “Little African Devil Doll” impression, Women jumping up on top of desks to get away from imaginary Little African Devil Dolls, and some inevitable Pinhead going “Hey, wait a minute! What about the other Stories in ‘Trilogy Of Terror’? It’s an ANTHOLOGY! The Little African Devil Doll Story doesn’t come along until -“ “Man, you don’t got a Little African Devil Doll in your Story YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT!”

America Loves the Little African Devil Doll in “Trilogy Of Terror”! Why is Tom Cruise in all them “Mission Impossible” Movies while the Little African Devil Doll is Working behind the Concession Counter scaring away all the Little Kids who just want a Box Of Popcorn? (That’s all they want!) Well, things didn’t go very well for him after “Trilogy Of Terror”. The Usual Hollywood Heartbreak - Drugs, Booze, Divorce, Car Crashes, Platform Shoes With Goldfish Swimming Around In The Heels, Getting Shot Out Of Cannons At State Fairs, A Rock Supergroup With Ted Nugent And Tommy Shaw Of Styx “The Little African Devil Doll ROCKS DA HOUSE!!!” says Tommy Shaw and everybody vomits. Eddie Murphy was going to Star in a Little African Devil Doll Bio Pic but then he found out he would have to leave the House to do it and he threw a tantrum so they decided to do it with Jamie Foxx and kinda lost interest “Jamie Foxx! You want to do a Rock Supergroup with me and Ted Nugent?” Everybody vomits. Except for the Little African Devil Doll - HE’S COOL!

“Trilogy Of Terror” is a Terrific Horror Anthology and you should try watching the whole thing from Beginning to End without Fast Forwarding to the Little African Devil Doll stuff at the end. There is all kinds of Good Stuff in there! Like Karen Black! How come Karen Black don’t get more Respect from the kind of Time Magazine Reading Creeps who sit around having conversations about The Great Acting Performances In The History Of Cinema while everybody else is trying to get a little goddam Work done around here? Karen Black is in “Five Easy Pieces” with Jack Nicholson, yo! Uh . . . Sorry about that “yo!’ Just trying to get in good with Jamie Foxx now hat he’s Jammin’ with The Nuge. But Karen Black was a Terrific Actress and she Tears It Up in “Trilogy Of Terror”. She plays FOUR Different Characters in this Movie and she is really good in every one. Try that with Amy Schumer and she’d have to bring in Judd Apatow’s Wife and Colin Quinn to Help. Karen Black was so Hot they almost asked her to play the Little African Devil Doll but they knew that in 2018 having a White Person playing a Little African Devil Doll would be considered racist and “Trilogy Of Terror” would wind up in the crapper with “Birth Of A Nation” and that thing where Buster Keaton played a guy who lives in the South. What was that called? “Cannibal Holocaust”? But Karen Black was Wonderful. Yeah, she might have had a Bigger Career if her Eyes weren’t so weird looking. But you never saw that Girl wearing a “My Eyes Are UP HERE” T Shirt, if you know what I mean. Why is everybody mad? Oh . . . It’s 2018.

“Trilogy Of Terror” was based on Material by Richard Matheson, one of those Writers you always see on the Credits of Movies and TV Shows and think you ought to look up their Novels and Shorts Stories but you never do because Novels and  Short Stories are for LOSERS (Runs into Barnes And Nobles, grabs some guy’s cup of coffee, and splashes it in his face!) Don’t worry, I won’t mention the Titles of the Novels and Short Stories Richard Matheson Wrote so you feel like a piece of crap for having never read em, I’ll just mention the Movies and TV Shows that were made out of his Novels and Short Stories (By the way, I got arrested for that Barnes And Nobles gag. Call the Police Station and tell them to let me out!) - “I Am Legend”, “Duel”, “The Shrinking Man”, “Stir Of Echoes” - HEY! I Wrote an Acid Logic Motherfucking Masterpiece about that Movie!
“Okay, Saleeby, we’re letting you out of Jail now.”
"Oh, Good!"
“Wait a minute! Did you just say that you’re the guy who Wrote that Acid Logic Motherfucking Masterpiece about ‘Stir Of Echoes’?”
“Uh oh!”
“That wasn’t funny at all! We’re not letting you out!” (Slams Cell Door with a massive Sound Effect Echo)
“Get it? Echo? ‘Stir Of Echoes’? Get it?”
“Being in Jail sucks!”
“Hey, what about the things Richard Matheson Wrote specifically for the Movies and TV?”
“WHAT!? Oh, it’s the guy I’m locked up in here with . . . “
“He Wrote a lot of stuff for ‘The Twilight Zone’!”
“Shut up!”
“He Wrote all those Edgar Allen Poe Movies Roger Corman did!”
“I gotta get out of here!”
“He Wrote ‘The Night Stalker’!”
“Guard! Guard!”
“He Wrote a bunch of ‘Star Trek’ scripts!”
“Guard! Get me out of here!”
“He Wrote a lot of ‘Night Gallery’ Episodes!”
“GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!” (Digs Tunnel, escapes, gets Married to Karen Black in “Five Easy Pieces”. THE END)

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - goon61_@hotmail.com