If the disturbing fact that "Planet Terror" was not a tremendous commercial success is not sufficient proof that America has gone completely to Hell allow me to remind you that my novel "Ronnie The Cave Man" has yet to find a Publisher while John Grisham has yet to be dropped out of an airplane and into a swamp full of literate alligators. What was The Biggest Grossing Film of the year "Planet Terror" came out? If it was something with Bai Ling in it I might refrain from putting on a beret and reciting poetry in a coffeehouse but I am not optimistic. Don't worry, when I recite poetry I recite poetry about Bai Ling. What's a good rhyme for "Rim Job"?
To most people "Planet Terror" is just some movie where a woman loses her leg and runs around with a machine gun for a prosthetic device. "Planet Terror" is much much more than that! "Planet Terror" is a movie where a GO GO DANCER loses her leg WHEN ZOMBIES EAT IT and runs around with a prosthetic device. This movie was so badly marketed we're lucky they let anybody know about the machine gun. "A movie where a woman loses her leg? Who wants to see that? Paul McCartney?" Yeah, in "Planet Terror" US Forces in Afghanistan kill Bin Laden and are exposed to poison gas that turns you into a Goop Zombie. So now they're all in Texas eating people and tearing legs off beautiful Go Go Dancers. How could it miss? How?
Me, I went to see "Planet Terror" because it's a Robert Rodriguez movie. Go ahead and sneer, but Rodriguez is my favorite Movie Director these days. Sorry, P.T. Anderson, but you lost me with "There Will Be Blood". Rodriguez's "Sin City" is pretty awful but at least it's got Carla Gugino nudity. Robert Rodriguez --- there is a Movie Director you can always count on to deliver The Goods - "Desperado"? Great! "Dusk Til Dawn"? Great! "Once Apon A Time In Mexico"? Great! "Sin City"? Lousy but still one Hell of a lot better than "There Will Be Blood" and I do not have to tell you why! Rodriguez does it all - Writing, Directing, Producing, Editing, Cinematographering - If he was as extroverted as his buddy Quentin Tarentino he'd be Acting, too. And then Antonio Banderas would be a Soap Opera Star in Mexico and Cheech Marin would have been in "The Thirteenth Warrior" "Those aren't monsters, man! Those are just crazy dudes wearing bear heads for hats! Man, just wait until Halloween, I'm gonna scare the shit outta you stupid Vikings!" I'd rent that.
I should be ashamed of kidding around about Bai Ling in this article because "Planet Terror" Stars Rose McGowan and if any Movie Chick is hotter than Bai Ling it's Rose McGowan. I only stick with Bai as My Favorite because I'll never come within a hundred thousand miles of having a chance with Rose whereas with Bai I'm just two and a half blocks away from her house and the line is moving really fast. But there are no words that could possibly capture how perfect a woman Rose McGowan is. I close my eyes, think of Rose, and the only thing that comes out of mouth is the sound people in Africa make when watching the Food Channel. I'll try again once I come up with that damn rhyme for "Rim Job". Yeah, she's really something, that Rose McGowan! Something? The French have a word for it, heh heh heh! (A little Nineteen Thirties Humor just in case any Clint Eastwood fans should visit the site)
OH MY GOD! BRUCE WILLIS IS IN THIS MOVIE!!! Willis appears on the screen and the whole movie stops dead in it's tracks so everybody can go "OH MY GOD! BRUCE WILLIS IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!" So if you have to go to the bathroom or drive out to the airport to pick up somebody just wait until Willis appears and you'll have plenty of time to do whatever you've got to do before the movie starts up again. Finally Willis stops posing for Mount Rushmore and delivers the catchphrase that every man, woman, and child in America would be repeating if only they had been cool enough to go see "Planet Terror" - "Where's . . . the . . . shit?" Man, that phrase would have been so popular Barak Obama would have been using it on Hillary Clinton in the debates. I heard that Dennis Kucinich told Hillary he was going to drink her milkshake, is that true?
Willis turns to goop at the end of "Planet Terror" but at least he doesn't have to pretend to be attracted to Jessica Alba like in that stupid "Sin City". Were we really supposed to think watching her prance around in that silly Cowgirl outfit was sexy? Really? "Hey, Rodriguez! Why does that Clive Owen guy get Britteny Murphy AND Rosario Dawson while I'm stuck with Roy Roger's twelve old niece? Crap!" "Take it easy, Bruce! In my next picture you get to kill Bin Laden and turn to goop at the end!" "And I turned down 'Frankenstein'." "What?" "It's an 'Ed Wood' reference." "Oh, I remember - Right before they're about to shoot the scene where Bela Lugosi gets killed by the octopus Lugosi says 'I turned down 'Frankenstein' meaning that if he had taken that job he never would have wound up in some crappy movie getting killed by an octopus." "Exactly." "So what role did you pass up on a few years ago that has you pretending to be attracted to Jessica Alba today?" "They wanted me to be 'Bub' the tamed zombie in 'Day Of The Dead'." "That's interesting." "Let's see you do that shit." "Excuse me, guys . . . " "Yeah, who are you?" "I'm Wil Forbis. I publish the web site you're on right now and I'd really appreciate it if you'd let us get back to the article." "Oh, okay." "Sorry." Aw, don't mind him, guys! He don't even like Kirk Cameron!
Quentin Tarentino appears in "Planet Terror", of course, but if you can think of a less glamorous role than a zombie whose dick turns to goop while he shuffles around with his pants around his ankles you should give Mickey Rourke a call. The guy who raped Ned Beatty in "Deliverance" saw Tarentino in this movie and said "Shit! How much did they have to pay him to do that?!" So quit raggin' on Tarentino and start fuckin' with Ron Howard awready!
And NO, I'm not going into how "Planet Terror" was part of the "Grindhouse" package along with Tarentino's "Death Proof" and how nobody went to see it because America is so queer everybody was at home reading "The Road" just like Oprah commanded you to. That stupid "The Road"! The whole World ends and all we get is some Nice Guy Dad and his Nice Little Son walking around in the snow. Hey, how about a few more pages about the cannibals? Oh no! That would be too scarey! I'm just waiting for the movie version of "The Road" to come out so then I can whip out a Motherfucking Masterpiece about "Death Proof" and totally fuck everything up! Ha!
And, Forbis, if you add in one of your snotty little Editorial Comments after that I'm going to drive The Saleebymobile head on into you and all your little pixie friends while you're coming home from whatever twee little movie you go to instead of "The Inglorious Bastards".
What other Directors do I like aside from Rodriguez? Oh . . . Stuart Gordon, Matthew Bright, Lucky McKee . . . What? Martin Scorsese? Oh, and this date was going SO well! Finish your dinner and let me take you home before I cut your head off. Here, let me untie you from that chair . . .
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com