I never pay a lot of attention to emails I get from Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis. I only give em a quick once over to see if there's anything in there about him paying any of the money he owes me and maybe another to see if he has finally gotten so far out of hand with the insults that I can just go right ahead and murder his worthless ass. But in recent months I've noticed recurring references to something called "Criminal Minds" and when my Dad --- another source of incoherant chatter that seems to float around my head like a swarm of mosquitoes --- began to ring in with the "Criminal Minds" stuff as well I wasted no time* in launching an immediate investigation.

*As soon as I was finished watching my Ernie Kovacs Boxed DVD Set, of course.

"Criminal Minds" turned out to be a CBS Television Series about a team of FBI Agents who go around the country hunting down serial killers. Not my usual kind of thing, but it's really good and I have become quite a Fan. But I never get to see it as much as I'd like and still get all of the characters mixed up. The people on this show must really be one brilliant bunch of guys - How the hell do they find one little old serial killer out of a nation of three hundred million people when I can't even keep track of the people on one TV show? It took me eleven episodes of "Criminal Minds" before I stopped waiting for Jerry Ohrbach to show up "Where the hell is Jerry Ohrbach? I wanna hear me some jokes! Where the hell is Jerry? Shit!"

The Casting of these Crime Shows is of vital importance. The very first thing you've got to do when watching one of these shows is make sure that Richard Belzer isn't on it. You will know that Richard Belzer is on a Crime Show when you find yourself marveling that you've never seen vomit talk before. Then you will know that it is time for you to find your remote.

The Cast of "Criminal Minds" is so good they could work Tina Louise as a glamorous Hollywood Starlet somewhere in there and it would work. The Show already has it's own Gilligan with Matthew Gray Gubler as Nerd Genius Spencer Reid or, as I like call him, "The Little Guy". But I like Gubler cause he's so . . . uh . . . "eccentric". Or at least "ech". The first time I saw him I thought Michael Stipe was Starring on his own Crime Show - "Stipe R.E.M.P.D." "Oh! So THAT'S why R.E.M. broke up!" "Anything Jill Hennessey can do I can do better!" With Izzy Stradlin as his Partner "Dammit, Stipe! When are you gonna learn to play the game!" "'The game'? The Law is NOT a GAME!!" "Stipe! Somebody's been terrorizing transatlantic flights to London!" "Uh oh! That does RING A BELL! DING-A-LING-A-LING!!" "So you're taking the case?" "And pass up on an excuse to dress up like Christina Ricci as a PAN AM Stewardress in the early Sixties? Don't forget to pee before Boarding Time, Izzy!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

Gubler was a Male Model before he became an Actor but at no point in his Life has he ever been a Guitar Player or a Song Writer so we'll cut him some slack. Shit, I would have made an awesome Male Model before I slipped on that shoe string and fell into that vat of molten steel. That damn shoe string, that god damn shoe string! I've forgotten all about what it's like to have feet. Now I've got "flippers" and, as soon as I get my government check, I'm gonna have some "slippers". Watch out for me then!

I kid Gubler but I like him a lot. Turns out his character had some kind of a drug problem earlier in the Series so that's why he looks like he has a case of what Gwyneth Paltrow had in "Contagium" without any of what she had before "Contagium".

Check out Gubler's web site, he puts so much work into it you'd think he was The Firesign Theater or something.

Another "Criminal Minds" Mind is played by the Ever Popular Thomas Gibson. Gibson is great on this show but he's too MOROSE! Cheer up, Gibby! I know being on "Dharma And Greg" all that time was a total freakin' nightmare but, Hey - At least you weren't on "Wil And Grace"! What the hell ever happened to THAT guy? He's too miserable to be on "Criminal Minds", even as one of the Criminals. Maybe he could play a Victim? They're always showing dead people laying around Coroner Examination Rooms on these creepy Crime Shows, let's put the poor bastard to work as a stiff. Yeah, that's where Thomas Gibson will be if he doesn't cheer the hell up, laying on a table in some examination room with Gary Sinise or whoever is on "Law And Order" this season looking up his nose "Hey! Are those Prison Gang Nose Hair Corn Rows?" Thomas Gibson deserves better than that! He was in "Eyes Wide Shut"! Just once I want to see him smile! Maybe even pick up a bone, smash another monkey over the head with it, and then throw it up in the air so it turns into a space ship. Didn't that happen in "Eyes Wide Shut"? I get all that Kubrick jazz mixed up. Anyways, send ideas to:

Cheer Up Tom!
"Criminal Minds"
Big TV Place
Hollywood, California

The Winner gets a "Criminal Minds" baseball cap, a "Criminal Minds" football, and a "Criminal Minds" soccer field (All folded up and inside an uncomfortable looking chihuahua).

Shemar Moore provides Good Looks and Pizzazz as Sassy G-Man Derek Morgan. Moore used to host "Soul Train" where he'd say things like "Tonight we got a show that's gonna make you want to go to Wisconsin and chop up a block of cheese!" and "Tonight we got a show that's gonna make you want to throw your Mama's cat into the back of a passing truck!". I'm serious, he'd really say stuff like that. He was just checking to see if you were really listening to him or if you were just staring at him on account of how good looking he is. Because he is INSANELY GOOD LOOKING. So good looking that most people just stare at him without paying attention to what he is talking about. Good thing he hasn't gone into Politics (Ha ha!) Other really good looking people, like me, can deal with how attractive he is long enough to pick up on the crazy stuff he throws into his TV appearances. Like that one monologue on "Criminal Minds" all about how serial killers are really bad guys and should be incarcerated - What a NUT!!

Moore is so good looking on "Criminal Minds" we're lucky he can be bothered to chase serial killers instead of women. I guess women fall into his hands so easily he needs another outlet for his "Chasing" abilities. Hey, serial killers seem to do an awful lot of chasing, could Moore be a serial killer? Nah, he's too much of a nice guy! But when you get as many women as I bet he gets you're bound to get hold of one that's BEGGING to to be killed and he . . . Nah, I've dated more that a few of those and they aren't worth killing. Yeah, it's tough being as good looking as Shemar Moore and me. At least until I slipped on that shoe string . . THAT GOD DAMN SHOE STRING!!!

"Criminal Minds" is an unusual TV Show in that the Male characters are more interesting than the Female characters - Which, in addition to all the talk about Murder and Torture, does not make for a very "Sexy" Show. But Sex isn't everything. There is also . . . uh . . . Murder and Torture. Maybe they just can't find any Girls who want to be on the gruesome thing. Anyway, there's a Blonde who walks around saying stuff that no one pays a lot of attention to and then a Brunette who seems to be "One Of The Guys", I dunno. Oh! And a funny chubby Girl who seems to do all the work while everybody else gets to do Dramatic scenes with the Super Celebrity Guest Stars and travel around the Country to pose in picturesque locations. I hope she gets paid a lot of money but, on the other hand, she's a Government Employee so screw her.

But, Hey! Check this out! That Brunette was the chick on "Friends" who was dating Joey and then she fell in Love with Chandler and . . . Oh, it's 2011 and we're all supposed to pretend that we never watched "Friends". I keep forgetting that. I keep talking about old episodes of "Friends" and people keep backing away from me like I'm showing symptoms of some horrible virus. Well, I don't care! I liked "Friends" and I enjoy recalling favorite episodes while chatting with Co Workers and Strange People On The Street! Yeah, the Brunette on "Criminal Minds" was the chick who was dating Joey and . . . Oh no! I have been fired from Writing for Acid Logic! Well, I don't care! I'm going to start my own "Friends" web site! Yeah! A whole web site about that chick who was dating Joey and . . . (A serial killer grabs Saleeby, ties him up, and drives away with him in his van).

And finally, they always have an Old Man Actor hanging around as an Old Man FBI Agent. I guess you have to have an Old Man around in shows about the FBI because there are so many of those bums hanging around waiting to get their pension or something. In more recent episodes Joseph Mantegna plays the Old Man and that's cool but in earlier episodes they've got Mandy Patinkin watching the clock and I can't stand the guy. Why? Well, his name is "Mandy" for one thing and for another he's ALWAYS SINGING! And he never sings anything cool like "We're An American Band" or something by Ozzy, it's always some "Bicycle Built For Two" crap that they were listening to on December 7, 1941 before ten thousand Jap Zeroes came out of the sky and gave em a Mouthful Of Metal. Maybe he should try singing "Mandy" sometime. I like that song. What the fuck, I just got fired from Acid Logic, I'll admit it - I think "Mandy" is a NICE SONG! AND QUIT STARING AT MY FLIPPERS!!

And while I'm at it, this brings me to my only real complaint with "Criminal Minds" - The "Criminal Minds" Crew is always flying around the USA in a Super Rock Star Jet Airplane AT THE TAXPAYER'S EXPENSE!!! Enjoy that Magic Carpet Ride while you can, cause in 2012 we're gonna elect Michelle Bachman President and you'll be flying around in a Greyhound Bus! I like you a lot but who do you think you are, Former "Friends" Cast Members? Cause you're NOT!

One Final Question - Is "Criminal Minds" realistic enough for American Television? I have no way of knowing! Serial killers and FBI Agents feel free to leave messages at the Acid Logic Comments thingamajig! I don't ever read that mess so feel free to really TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! But, remember - You're not Former "Friends" Cast Members. Cause you're NOT! AND GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING VAN BEFORE I MISS THE DELIVERY OF MY GOVERNMENT FLIPPER SLIPPERS!! THAT GOD DAMN SHOE STRING!!!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com