I Guess Ace Frehley Was Busy

By John Saleeby
March 1st, 2015

Heard a Commercial on the Pink Floyd Song Machine . . . I’m sorry, I heard a Commercial on the Radio for “Experience Hendrix”, a Touring Show in Honor of the Great Jimi Hendrix featuring Zakk Wylde, Dweezil Zappa, Brad Whitford, and a whole bunch of other people I don’t care about. Oh, and Buddy Guy. Yeah, Buddy Guy.

At first I thought they were talking about a Hendrix Tribute Act - Some guy dressed up like Hendrix, acting like Hendrix, and playing really shitty Music. No, that would be Lenny Kravitz. Anyway, a Jimi Hendrix Impersonator would be a fun way to make a Living although you would have to retire when you get to be in your late Thirties. Because Hendrix never got to be in his late Thirties. This is the part of the Hendrix article when we feel sad about him being dead. Okay, it’s over. Back to the asshole Jokes! Maybe once the Hendrix Impersonators get old they can BBB King Impersonators. No, I meant they can be BB King Impersonators. Did you know that BB King couldn’t play Guitar and Sing at the same time? I don’t have a Joke for that because I can’t scrub Toilets and Write Jokes at the same time. Hendrix could Sing, Play Guitar, set fire to a Guitar, Play a burning Guitar behind his head, and set fire to his head at the same time. I think that was how he died. Hendrix could play Guitar while holding it between his legs, too. Did he play a burning Guitar between his legs? Shit, playing a Guitar between his legs is how Hendrix set it on fire, Mama! Jimi was HOT! WHOA.

None of these “Experience Hendrix” people are as BAD as Jimi Hendrix. Jimi was Paratrooper in the 101st Airborne Screamin’ Eagles! Was DWEEZIL ZAPPA in the 101st? Ha Ha, that’s a Joke. Toughest Duty that Candy Ass ever served was listening to his Dad rant about Republicans at the Dinner Table. If I ever had to sit next to Frank Zappa on an Airplane I’d jump out without a Parachute. Did Hendrix ever meet Zappa? “Wow, you talk a lot! Ha Ha!” Dweezil is in “Experience Hendrix” just to show us what Julian Lennon would have been like if he had done more practicing. It’s a Science thing, I guess. Another Experiment - How old would Hendrix be right now if he hadn’t died? Would he be as OLD as Brad Whitford? Have you seen Brad Whitford these days? He looks so old Willie Nelson is poppin’ cans of Ensure open for him. Brad Whitford is OLD! Brad Whitford could not be a Paratrooper when he was young because when Brad Whitford was young Airplanes had not been invented yet. You ever heard of the Old Time Music Group The Sons Of The Pioneers? I’m not going to tell you that Brad Whitford is so old he was in The Sons Of The Pioneers. I’m telling you Brad Whitford is so old he was in The Great Grand Parents Of The Pioneers. Brad Whitford is so old he has Guitars made out of the same Tree as George Washington’s Teeth. Fuck Brad Whitford. At least Dweezil’s Dad was Famous. Shit.

Another Scientific Inquiry - Zakk Wylde is a great Guitar Player but is his playing very Hendrix-y? Let’s give Zakk the benefit of a doubt and assume he has cooked up a “Zakk And Jimi” thing kind of like Kevin Smith’s “Zack And Miri” - Zakk puts something together with the same kind of Guitar Hendrix used, the same kind of Amp Hendrix used, the same kind of Strings Hendrix used, the same kind of Anti Depressant Hendrix used, the same kind of Lap Top Hendrix used - The Whole Nine Yards! Hendrix only used Six Yards? Well, fine, Zakk will only use Six Yards. He’s got to leave a little room on stage for when Brad Whitford finally drops dead. Or Buddy Guy. Yeah, Buddy Guy.

Here’s a good way to Jazz this Show up (Without anybody playing any Jazz, of course. SCREW THAT!!!) - One of the most interesting events in Jimi Hendrix’s Life was when Little Richard kicked him out of his Band for upstaging Mister Richard. So how about if every appearance by the Guest Star Guitar Players in the Show was Introduced by Little Richard sitting at a Piano and recalling Happy Memories Of Life On The Road With Jimi like “I remembers one time we was in Kanas City and Jimi was eating a Box of Cracker Jacks THAT DIDN’T HAVE NO PRIZE IN IT!!! DAMN!!!” and then some guy from Styx comes out playing “Manic Depression” or something like that while Little Richard runs all over the stage yelling “HEY! HEY! STOP THAT! SHIT!” until finally the Styx idiot is finished and Little Richard is back at his Piano “So I put on my new Shoes and went straight on down to the Store where Jimi got that Box of Cracker Jacks and -“ until some other fool like the guy who played Guitar in Blackfoot comes out playing “Crosstown Traffic” and we do the whole crazy thing all over again until they finally run out of good Hendrix Songs and we all go out to the Parking Lot to find out that Buddy Guy has broken into our Cars.

Oh, Buddy Guy. Yeah, Buddy Guy.

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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com