By John Saleeby
Feb 1, 2019
Here at Acid Logic we have always been supportive of sleazy Horror Movies with pointless violence, sickening gore, and good looking naked women. Hell, we even like em with ugly naked women. Naked women are . . . Oh, this is supposed to be about Horror Movies. Yeah, Acid Logic has always been Pro-Horror Movie so it is with great regret that we have given up on Italian Horror Movies. Enough is enough! There are some good Italian Horror Movies such as . . . Uh . . . You might want to hide behind the sofa before I get around to announcing the title of this thing . . . There are some good Italian Horror Movies such as “Suspiria” . . . OH SHIT . . . Saleeby wakes up in the parking lot with two broken ribs and his front teeth knocked out . . . Aw, fuck Italian Horror Movies!
It’s a matter of TASTE. To be honest, I am startled that after I don’t how many years of writing for Acid Logic (I stopped paying attention after writing that article about Sam the Butcher on “The Brady Bunch”) but if you had ever told me that Taste would ever be an issue around here . . . Has Acid Logic finally matured? I knew we were in trouble when Editor Will Forbis got a Regular Girlfriend! Screw this, let’s do a CC DeVille tribute issue! Yes, we are genuinely fucked up people but there are limits. We love Horror Movies where somebody opens a refrigerator and finds eleven decapitated heads and then eleven headless zombies walk in and tear his head off and put it in the freezer- YAY! But if the exact same thing happened in an Italian Horror Movie it would leave you feeling like you had opened a refrigerator and found a Tupperware container full of three week old Chinese Sweet And Sour Chicken, ate it because you were high, and now you are in the back of an ambulance with an EMT worker yelling “What is that SMELL?” (CC DeVille as the EMT dude!) These Movies can be frightening but usually they are just nasty. Something terrible is about to happen in an American Horror Movie and you think “ Uh Oh! What is going to happen to that poor woman now?” But when you are watching an Italian Horror Movie you just think “Okay, what are these creepy motherfuckers going to force us to look at this time? Let’s get it over with.” “Maybe she’ll get her eyeballs torn out! People are always getting their eyeballs torn out in these Movies!” CC is kinda getting on my nerves.
The most popular Italian Horror Director seems to be Lucio Fulci. Everybody Loves his Movies like “The Beyond”, “The New York Ripper”, and especially “Zombi”. Maybe I’m just a dick, but I’ve never been able to take Fulci seriously after that fight between a zombie and a shark in “Zombi”. Okay, the shark eats the zombie. So wouldn’t that make the shark die and turn into a zombie shark? That would be a zillion times more exciting than anything that really does happen in “Zombi”. Would zombie sharks have to stay in the water? Maybe they could evolve super fast, grow legs, crawl ashore, and become ZOMBIE DINOSAURS! ”Can I be the funny Dinosaur Science Guy instead of Jeff Goldblum?” Yeah, sure, CC. You got it.
If these Movies are what happens when Italians try Horror I don’t want to know what happens when they try Pornography. I’m a “Japanese Schoolgirl” Movie kind of guy. Are Italian Girls even allowed to go School? Keep em outta Film School, for God’s sake!
Wait a minute! “The Devil’s Claw” isn’t an Italian Horror Movie dubbed into English? “The Devil’s Claw” is an ENGLISH Movie!?! Uh Oh . . . Oh, Geez . . .
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org