I Don't Take Sorries
By Wil Forbis
I must tell you, my brothers and sisters, that I write this with great fear in my hearts. Fear placed there by the recent events surrounding the U.S. spy plane crashing into a Chinese fighter plane and causing that fighter pilot's probable demise at sea. When those tortured events were first broadcast in the media, I thought what I'm sure a great many Americans thought, "What a delightful subject for an Acid Logic column! Once Wil Forbis gets his hands on this one, those Chinese will be so busy laughing they have to give our boys their freedom." (I then thought, "Why am I referring to myself in the third person? I'm turning into Gay Talese.") So where does the fear come from? It comes from the fact that as we inch closer and closer towards the launching of the current issue of Acid Logic, we inch closer and closer towards a resolution to this mess that will render this entire article moot. So I pray, as I'm sure all of you do, that General Powell will "stall" negotiations for just a few more weeks so that the following commentary can contain the lively comic wit that was so intended. I'm sure our boys won't mind an additional couple weeks in a Chinese prison, eating bugs and frying up those little dogs that look like "Eddie" from "Frasier", as long as they know their suffering will ensure that my work reaches its full comic potential. Remember, in comedy, timing is everything.
Let me just say, I understand General Powell and President Bush's reticence to offer an actual apology on this issue. Apologizing is hard; it's embarrassing, no one knows this more than myself. When I was a 5 year old, I was an absolute terror, and earned quite a reputation as a troublemaker in my neighborhood. Old women would see me pass and say things like "Did you see what he did to those puppies?" or "That's the one who got the MaCarthy twins pregnant." So how did I grow from a junior Napolean to the sensitive poet whom humbly offers you such delight in the form of these twice-monthly columns? Fortunately, I had a strong father figure, in the form of my mother, who would always demand that whenever I hurt somebody, I offer them an apology. When I stuck young Judy Hirschberg into the laundry machine's spin cycle and set it to "Colors - Permanent Press" my mom made me apologize. When I saddled up the Tanaka family's cat road it into town, ensuring it would need a permanent body brace, my mom made me apologize. And when I crashed my U.S. Government SR-71 spy plane into a Chinese Fighter, killing its pilot, my mom marched me right over to the Ching Tsau province, and made me apologize.
That said and done, I'm not so naive that I don't understand Bush's reticence towards issuing a direct apology to China. For one thing, holding on to our apology is the only edge we've got in this argument. The minute Bush says, "My bad!" the Chinese may come back and say, "Okay, since you admit it's your fault, then you won't mind us dismantling your spyplane and using the technology to install miniature cameras on Michele Yeoh's feet for the filming of the next eight 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' films." The only way we can hold onto some moral righteousness here is by refusing to admit fault. And, as any insurance company agent will tell you, admitting fault has legal implications. If we cough up an apology, those sue-happy Chinese would take us to court faster than you can say "Hong Kong Foo-ey." And they'd probably hold the trial in some television court show like the People's Court, and the minute Bush utters something out of turn he'll have to sit through a five minute tirade from Judge Judy saying, "I'm the boss, applesauce!!!!" I'd rather face down a nation of one billion, bicycle riding, nuke toting Chinese any day.
But, legal entrapments aside, maybe apologizing is the best thing to do. After all, shouldn't the same concept of "I'm sorry" that applied to me as a toddler when I photographed Mrs. Neuwirth and the pool boy having an affair and then posted them on the Church Community board apply to the President of the United States? The truth is, Bush could have our boys back in a jiff, if he'd only utter the same magical phrase that's been uttered by every guy who ever stayed out late with the boys, or every gal who ate who missed work due to a Vicodin hangover, or every dog who ever ate your entire collection of 1970's Vampirella comics in a fit of separation anxiety...."I'm sorry... I'm sorry we smashed our plane into you yellow devils and I hope we can now sit down to a bowl full of Chop Suki and forget the whole thing." That's it. That's all he'd have to say. Then he could calmly get into get into Air Force One, fly over to Iceland and watch as America was completely obliterated by Chinese Nuclear missiles. And frankly, I think that's just the fresh start we need.
I understand that our presidency may need a little guidance in this matter. A gentle shove over the edge, if you will. That's why I'd like to set a good example by offering some apologies myself. Once America learns from my example, that apologizing isn't so hard, this matter should be wrapped up quickly.
I'd like to apologize to every Chinese person who felt denigrate by my crude use of stereotypes in column. (Please note: This apology in no way insinuates I won't use crude stereotypes in future columns, even if I think they have a very limited chance of generating laughter.)
I would like to apologize to all Americans for.... well, there's so much I have to apologize for at this point it's not even worth it.
I would like to apologize to Russell Crowe for making it seem like he was the one who had an affair with Meg Ryan and taking all that negative press about breaking up her marriage, when in fact, I was the guilty party.
I'd like to apologize to Meg Ryan for the numerous time during her affair that I had sex with her, Greek style, while I thought she was asleep. What's that, Meg? You were asleep? Well... I take it back then.
And finally, I offer the standard apology that I place at the ends of all Acid Logic columns. To my audience: I apologize for making you read this.
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Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.