By Wil Forbis
January 1st, 2007
Gentle readers, I thought you should know that this issue of
acid logic is being amassed under a unusual amount of duress as I am leaving
one day hence (Jan 1st) for a three week vacation in Europe. I had presumed a
leisurely weekend of compiling the issue amidst a calm, reflective mood, but
then some work duties appeared throwing me into a state of panic. As I had yet
to even contemplate what I would write I had to think fast. I've never had an
acid logic issue go to press without some contribution from myself and I
fully expect this tradition to continue until my death.
(Perhaps even past that.) With that in mind I settled for coming up with a short
piece containing ruminations of subjects that have been passing through my head
this past year.
Like what, you ask? Well, monkeys for starters. I keep
thinking about how fascinating I find the little guys. I've often considered
getting a monkey as a pet (like Ross in the first couple seasons of FRIENDS)
but being that I've always lived in apartments I may have to settle for a ferret.
I'm not sure what I find interesting about monkeys and apes. Is it that they
are more expressive than other animals? I think not - I've known plenty of dogs
that could wear their mood on their face. Is it that monkeys are the most
intelligent members of the animal kingdom? Perhaps, but one must not forget
their predilection for throwing their feces about. (Unless that is a sign of
intelligence.) Fundamentally, I just think monkeys are cute and a little off
the beaten path in the pets department.
I've also been thinking about aging. I am at age 35, give or
take, pretty close to what would be considered the mid point of a man's life.
(Though there's some possibility of extended aging techniques coming around the
bend, probably right after I die.) What wisdom does this lead to? In once sense
it's calming to think there's so much road left to travel. But there's another
part of me that says, "Jesus, another 35 years of this?!" And, of
course, it's generally assumed the second half is the rough half, where illness
sets in, the mind decays, and penises grow withered and sag like a tired
monkey. (But who says you have to stop being hip? As I write this in a French
bakery, I see before me a 60-ish man, baseball cap covering his thinning hair,
with metal studs in both his nose and mouth.) On the other hand, there is the
promise of all that free time once you retire.
And I see one point of anticipation in aging process. I've
always stupefied by the power of beautiful women. I've always felt they held the
most pristine place in modern society. And I've always been angered by their
general practice of ignoring me (actually, not so much this year, which is
perhaps another reason to celebrate aging.) But I realize that all the
beautiful women I've known now face their own special struggle. As time marches
on, their beauty will pass and they'll be left with... what? Personality? Ha, I
think not, my friend. Intelligence? There's no reason to get educated if you're
packing a set of Double Ds. These women are screwed (in the negative sense.)
I'm used to fuming in impotent rage at my powerlessness in society, but these
chicks will be forced to sit back and watch as their magic appeal disappears,
bit by bit, year by year, like blood being drained out of the victim of a vampire. Could I perhaps spend my twilight
years calling up the beauty queens in my high school yearbook and shouting,
"Ha Ha! You're ugly now!"? (And then quickly
hanging up.) It's a thought worth holding on to.
I've also been thinking about global warming. It seems like
the world is in agreement that it's happening. Dinner conversation is filled
with references to the
treaty, or melting polar ice caps. But let me ask this of any person who claims
to be mortified by this coming onslaught (myself included): Aren't you full of
shit if you don't sell your car, stop eating meat (graze lands are rumored to
do as much damage as automobiles), and generally remove yourself from the
modern infrastructure that is dependent on fossil fuels (freeways, plastics,
etc)? Aren't your admonitions against SUV's, suburban sprawl and President Bush
morally empty unless you yourself are willing to make fundamental changes to
your lifestyle? I don't say this to be snooty (well, everything I say on some
level is snooty) but isn't the greatest block to making the changes necessary
that people aren't really interested in change, they are merely seeking the moral
rush of declaring themselves superior to the fat gobbling denizens of Red
America? Doesn't any condemnation of such people carry with it the responsibility
of removing oneself from the petroleum based lifestyle? (And I'm not talking
about recycling, and planting a few trees, I'm talking about quitting your job,
not having kids, no more movies, no more trips to
no more pet monkeys.) Isn't it time to shit or get off the pot?
On the flip side though, I think the future of modern
civilization is still a big question mark. It's still unclear exactly what will
happen in 50 years. And few of the projected scenarios take into account
possible ways man could stop the warming of his earth. (Huffington Post linked
to several ideas a while back and they seemed to be a spread of the novel to
the absurd.) I’m not prepared to bet against earth at this point.
Speaking of technology, am I the only one who's noticed how
it really seems to have picked up pace? (Probably, since few possess my
profound capacity for perception.) I can recall being a kid, and generally
being aware that technology seem to be improving - movie special effects got a
little better, I'd hear that treatment for some type of cancer incurable ten years
ago now had promise, a monkey was fitted with an artificial heart - but I had
little sense of any real movement. But in the past few years this seems to have
really changed. Science fiction concepts I really never thought I would see in
my lifetime seem to be arriving on our doorstep daily. We actually have to
argue about the ethics of face transplants. Lost in the debate over stem cells
is recognition of how amazing it is that the debate is even relevant. The world
wide web, which ten years ago was at best a way to slowly download pornography,
now has video on demand, carries phone traffic (for free!) and enables people
to meaningfully work away from an office. They even have an idea I thought of
years ago – pedal powered computers. I have a general sense of excitement about
the future that I didn't have ten, twenty years ago.
So that's it kids. See you in 2007.
Wil Forbis is a
well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending
chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the
world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy,
he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.