I Don’t HAVE to do Shit!
By Johnny Apocalypse
Bschin2188@aol.com
Now I know that if I saw a title like that, I’d automatically assume that the author has a problem with authority. But I can assure you that that’s not the case here. I realized a long time ago and there’s no way out of answering to somebody. As long as I’m employed, I’m going to have a boss. If I’m self employed, I’ll still have to answer to my customers. So no such problem here.
No, the title refers to my being tired of listening to everyone telling me that I “have” to do things that I really don’t. There’s pretty much only three things that I absolutely have to do, that’s eat, drink and sleep. These are the things one must do to survive. Beyond that, the things that I will say I have to do are actually optional, just not a very good idea to do without. I have to work, so I can have money. I have to have money so I can pay rent and purchase various goods and services.
Anything outside of these lists are the things that I really don’t have to do. Ever. Unless I want to. The most common one I hear? “You have to care about the environment!” Really? Says who? What if I’m trying to destroy the earth like a comic book villain? I want to lead us into nuclear armageddon, but I should still recycle. Now I’m not saying that I actually want to destroy the world (although I‘m not strictly against it either), but since I’m never going to have kids, my stake in the environment really isn’t that big.
“You have to get a tattoo!” No, I don’t. Getting a tattoo will do me no good in any way, shape or form, and there really isn’t anything I want marked on my skin forever. People will tell me I’ll get more women if I have tattoos, but if those women are really that shallow then I don’t need them.
The tattoo thing actually came up with a woman I dated for a very brief period. On the second date she told me that she only dates guys with tattoos. I said I don’t have one, and don’t want one. This led to a discussion that I won’t take the time to repeat here, but needless to say, I haven’t married this lady, and I still have no tattoos.
“You have to get a better car!” Why? What’s wrong with my car? “Well it’s not a sports car!” So what? It’s a Ford Focus, it gets me from point A to point B. I don’t need to get from point A to point B at a pace of two hundred miles an hour. Plus I’ve had the thing for a few years and the upkeep has been minimal. I’m surprisingly happy with it, even if you’re not.
“You have to watch such and such an episode of Star Trek!” While this is a bit rare for me to hear, it’s always said by guys with glasses who assume that I’m a trekkie like they are, just because I wear glasses. I’m not a trekkie. Star Trek is really pretty boring, and you’re being prejudicial based upon my appearance. And if you start speaking Klingon to me I’m going to stab you.
“You have to be a trekkie!” While also rare, I’d get this a fair bit in high school from the guys who didn’t wear glasses. This is the same prejudicial crap, just coming from the other side. If I was black, would you assume I listen to rap music?
“You have to stop lighting fires or you’ll go to jail!” Okay, you make a pretty good case on that one. I’ll take it under advisement…
“You have to get a Hi-Def TV!” While I have ended up with a high definition TV due to circumstances outside of my control, I have continually refused to spend money on one for ages. I consider hi-def TV to be the most overrated invention in the history of mankind. For decades people watched regular low-def TV without complaining about the picture quality. Why? Because they didn’t know the picture quality could get better. If they did know, it wasn’t available so they didn’t complain about it. Now that it’s available, no one in the world is willing to go without. Me, I’m keeping my old tube TV stashed away as a backup, in case the hi-def one breaks.
And now we come to a related category of things, those that people tell me I “can’t” do. Now maybe this is just my mindset, but to me the word “can’t” denotes that something cannot be done due to it being an impossibility. I can’t run faster than the speed of sound (I can barely run faster than a snail). I can’t purchase the company Microsoft, because I don’t have anywhere near the required amount of money.
But of course, some people use “can’t” where it just doesn’t belong.
“You can’t cross the double yellow line to pass cars!” Actually I can, and have done so numerous times (some drivers take that really personally). It’s physically possible for me to direct my car over painted lines, apply additional pressure to the gas pedal to speed up, and pull back into the appropriate lane. There’s nothing stopping me from doing this, except the possible presence of a cop.
What you mean to say here is I “shouldn’t” cross the double yellow, and I’ll give you that much. It’s illegal and not exactly the safest of practices. But some people are such bad drivers that breaking the law seems justified.
“You can’t teach your niece to say that her balls hurt!” Oh yeah? Watch me!
“We can’t let (insert politician) take (insert political office)!” Oh sure we can. It’s called getting enough people to vote for them. I’m not helping you rally for or against anything, just leave me out of it.
“You can’t write an article and leave off a concluding paragraph!” Oh yes I can. I hate writing conclusion paragraphs. The fact that I’ve written as many as I have is surprising. All those “and there you have it”s and “in closing”s, bah! Who needs them?