John Saleeby Buys The 'Workaholics' Season 3 DVD
By John Saleeby
I had some Time off from Work so I drank a Bottle of Cold Medicine from about eight Winters ago and spent four Days wandering around the DVD racks at Wal Mart yelling about how much I hate Ben Stiller. He's UGLY! After I punched an Old Lady in the face for looking at the cover of "Night In The Museum" they told me I had to either buy something or fill out a Job Application (So all the Ladies who are Working at Wal Mart can find out my Address and Phone Number? Sorry, Babes, it ain't THAT easy to bag a Big Celebrity!) So I grabbed the first DVD I saw that didn't have the word "Fockers" on it, picked out a nice pair of Captain America Sweat Pants, and got Sick all over the Self-Checkout Machine. That Morning I woke up in the Parking Lot and found out I had Purchased the Season 3 DVD Set of a TV Show called "Workaholics" and declared "What the Hell is 'scilohakroW'?" Toxic Cough Syrup makes a Man Dyslexic, Mama! So I put it in my DVD Player - I like my DVd Player because DVD is DVD whether you are Dyslexic 0r cixelsyD - and I found out all about "Workaholics" the way we used to find out about TV Shows in the Old Days before we had the Internet - By Watching it! When it comes to Writing an Article about "Workaholics" I have paid my Dues! Investigative Journalism!
"Workaholics" is a Comedy Show about three Young Dudes who smoke a lot of Pot, Drink a lot of Beer, and Work as Telemarketeers. Their Boss is an Unattractive Chick that I find very Attractive. One of the Guys always acts like Jack Black but it's Cool cause he's not in Ten Million really terrible Movies. In the Best Episode they decide to go into the Beef Jerky Business so they drag a Dead Cow into their House and chop it up with a Chain Saw so there is Blood all over the place. Remember that when the Cops bust into your Dive and demand to know why there is Blood all over the place "I'm in the Beef Jerky Business!" "Oh!"
I suppose there are those who would object to the Guy who acts like Jack Black all the Time. Hey, it could be worse - What if he acted like Jack White all the Time? "Hey, Guys! Look what I've got! An Old Time Record Making Booth!" That would not be funny. But, speaking as a Comedy Fan, I think it is awesome that we have a young Comedy Guy doing the Jack Black thing now that Jack Black is too lame to pull it off himself. It's like when Aerosmith came along to do the Rolling Stones thing once The Stones were too lame to pull it off themselves. Maybe some new Funny Guy will take up the Conan thing now that Conan is washed up. Better yet, let's go way back and some Upright Citizens Brigade Whippersnapper to bring back the WC Fields thing now that WC never does anything but wander along the side of the Highway collecting Bottles! Somebody get on that!
Those "Workaholics" Kids are to commended for putting their own TV Show together at such a young age. When I was their age I couldn't put together a Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had been allowed to do a TV Show when I was as young as those guys. "Hello, and Welcome to 'The John Saleeby Show'!" Saleeby vomits on the Camera, runs into the Control Room, yells "NO ONE'S IN CONTROL OF JOHN SALEEBY!!", and passes out. Lorne Michaels says to the Audience "And THAT'S why we had to make a Big Star out of Adam Sandler!"
CUT TO: John Saleeby and Pauly Shore behind the counter at Pizza Hut
PAULIE: You pretend you don't know who I am, I'll pretend I don't know who you are, and this won't be too depressing.
Jamie Kennedy comes in
JAMIE: Hey! Paulie Shore! John Saleeby! You guys are Working at Pizza Hut? Guess I'm not doing too bad after all!
JOHN: Let's all make fun of Andy Dick before he gets back from throwing out the trash!
Hey, Man, how come when I was Smoking Dope and doing Comedy in my Twenties I wound up living in the Shed behind my Parent's House but when these Punks were Smoking Dope and doing Comedy in their Twenties they got their own TV Show? Is this an Internet thing? The Internet never came along for me until my Parent's threw me out of their Shed and I never got to do anything but Ten Million Articles for www.acidlogic.com and a Comedy Pod Cast at www.thedevilisasissy.com . . . Oh, was plugging my stuff like that kinda crass? Do you have any idea what it's like to spend fourteen years living in a Shed behind your Parent's House? You "Workaholic" Punks better Thank God every Day for the Internet! If it wasn't for the Internet right now you'd be doing Stand Up in Folk Clubs and . . . and I'm breaking out in a sweat . . . Need to sit down . . . Can't breathe . . . Alligators falling out of the ceiling . . . Hi, I'm Writing the rest of the article in the Shed behind my Parent's House. Only now the Shed has a really cool machine that gives me an Electric shock every thirty minutes and a Nurse that comes in and gives me an injection every sixty minutes. I guess this is the kind of newfangled Shed behind your Parent's House we've got in 2014. All right!
Am I in trouble for what I said about Conan? I don't give a fuck!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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