Unknown Spaghetti Westerns - Guaranteed 100% Clint Eastwood Free!!!By John Saleeby
March 1st, 2013
The term "Spaghetti Western" was the wise ass American response to the sudden emergence in the Nineteen Sixties of Westerns Produced by the Italian Film Industry. It was essential that this development be slapped with as dismissive a title as possible and the best minds in American Comedy immediately went right to work before those crazy Italians really got out of control and started sending over Comedies. If a Stick In The Mud like Clint Eastwood could become an International Star in Italian Westerns there was no telling what would happen if a really wacky guy like Larry Storch went over there and started making Italian Comedies - Something had to be done! Jerry Lewis suggested "Mussolini With War Paint All Over His Mug Westerns" and that was when everybody started to catch on that he had a problem with pain killers. Dick Van Dyke pitched in an idea with that horrible "Mary Poppins" Cockney accent so nobody understood him, Mel Brooks started yelling a lot of crap that was eventually turned into "Blazing Saddles" but at the time made no sense to anybody at all (Not even Carl Reiner!), so when Johnny Carson suggested "Spaghetti Westerns" after a bashful look at the tomato sauce stain on his fifty thousand dollar white tennis shorts everybody sighed with relief and got back to work on figuring out what to do with Sonny And Cher. But Sergio Leone's Spaghetti Westerns Starring Clint Eastwood were just too good to be ignored and by the time he made "Once Apon A Time In The West" Starring Henry God Damn Fonda the Spaghetti Western was making anything going on in America look so crummy Sam Peckinpah packed up Dustin Hoffman and went to England to . . . I don't even want to think about it.
Yeah, I'm so old it still pains me to say this but, Spaghetti Westerns are really good Movies. And not just the Leone ones with Eastwood! I've seen all of those Movies so many times - Quick! Put on AMC! Which Leone Spaghetti Western are they showing right now? "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly"? It figures - Wait a minute! That wasn't a Spaghetti Western, that was "The Walking Dead"! That was a Zombie, not Clint Eastwood! Wow, if I was writing this for the Village Voice I'd really be in trouble! But I've seen all of those Leone Movies so many times I'm tired of em. Cause, let's face it - Clint Eastwood is a dick. Didn't I already write an article about that? Was it for the Village Voice? Is that how I wound up writing for Acid Logic? Damn!
There are plenty of other Spaghetti Westerns we can sit around and make silly jokes about aside from the Leone ones with Chuck Norris. I'm sorry, I meant that other jerk. Why don't we hear as much about these Spaghetti Westerns as about the Sergio Leone-Clint Eastwood ones? Hey! RINGO STARR is in a terrific Spaghetti Western called "Blind Man". Even the goofy little drummer in The Beatles is a bigger Star than Clint Eastwood ever will be, why don't AMC show "Blind Man" three or four times a day? All those Eastwood Movies have eleven sequels, how come no Ringo sequels like "Deaf Man", "Crippled Man", "Mute Man", "Bald Man", or "Impotent Man"? Don't worry, Ringo Lovers, Tony Anthony plays the Blind Man in this Movie while Ringo really gets to ham it up as one of the Bad Guys. Anthony was another American Actor who went over to Italy to Star in Spaghetti Westerns although, unlike Clint Eastwood, Anthony was a nice, funny guy. And look which one of the two became an American Icon. Boy, if I wasn't a huge Celebrity myself I'd find that really depressing. Anyway, Mister Richard Starkey is so good in "Blind Man" I bet Clint Eastwood showed up at Ringo's house one day, slaughtered all of the servants, and told Ringo that if he made any more Spaghetti Westerns he was going to come back and when Clint Eastwood comes back you are going to wish that you had gone away and stayed away after the first time he was there. That doesn't sound very good, Eastwood doesn't have the knack for that kind of dialogue and if it had been in a Movie it would have been cut out. But it was Real Life so Ringo just said "What was it he was talking about after he killed all of my employees?" and Harry Nilson said "I'm not sure but you'd better not make any more of those Spaghetti Westerns." So Ringo made "Caveman" and a few of the guys from "Quest For Fire" came over offering to mow the yard, wash his car, anything he needed.
Ringo's not the only non-dick who's made a Spaghetti Western. Lucio Fulci, the Director of Super Supremo Italian Horror Films "Zombie" and "The Beyond" made a Spaghetti Western called "Massacre Time" and it will have you jumping out of your chair and running around the room screaming for your Mom and Dad as much as any of his Horror Movies! He's really something, that Fulci! If you think Dario Argento, the nut who made "Suspiria", has a nutty outta control piece of ass for a daughter with Asia Argento I bet this Fulci guy has a little girl that had to be locked up in a convent and strapped into a chastity belt the Nazis built in the very same Top Secret Lab where they built the V-2 Rocket and Adolf Hitler's Steam Powered Otto Von Bismark Spanking Robot! "Massacre Time" is so good that when people see it they refuse the Reality of their own day to day existence and . . . I'm not going to tell you the rest because I want you to see "Massacre Time" and then I will be able to sell you a Steam Powered Otto Von Bismark Spanking Robot. But did Fulci make any other Spaghetti Westerns or even just plain old Westerns? No! Because when Clint Eastwood found out about "Massacre Time" he showed up at Fulci's house, passed around a few Polaroids of him slaughtering all of Ringo Starr's servants, called Missus Fulci a horrible word he learned when Sergio Leone stepped on a board with a nail sticking out of it, and told Fulci that if he ever made another Spaghetti Western blah blah blah, all that stuff that would have been cut out of a Movie, etcetera etcetera etcetera, and yadda yadda yadda. So Fulci made a bunch of Horror Movies and when those "Quest For Fire" guys came over he opened a Pizza Place and hired them to make deliveries.
There are all kindsa crazy Spaghetti Westerns that I can talk about to keep the subject off all those pictures of Jenny McCarthy's body with Ellen Degeneres' head glued on top you found under the passenger seat of the Saleebymobile - Like"One Dollar Too Many", the very first Spaghetti Western COMEDY! Hey, Clint Eastwood! You make a Spaghetti Western Comedy? No! You're so lame your idea of a Comedy was that thing with the stupid orangutan! Orangutans are the least Comic of the Apes and you're so dumb you put one in a Comedy! (Dig Saleeby pretending to talk all loud and snotty to Clint Eastwood. If I ever met him I'd be all "Can I get you a cup of coffee, Mister Eastwood? Would you like a donut or some scrambled eggs, Sir?" and come back in an Orangutan suit, juggle some puppies - I'm a Nice Guy!) "One Dollar Too Many" is what those of us in the Comedy Biz call "A Laugh Riot" with "Yuks O'Plenty" and "Boffo Gags". I'm not so sure I spelled that "Boffo" right, I'm not really in the Comedy Biz just yet. I just write for Acid Logic and have a podcast. And sometimes I go to the Mall in my stupid Orangutan suit. I couldn't find a Spider Monkey suit that fit me. Too many donuts! John Saxon Stars in "A Do Nut Too Many" with a Johnny Depp style faggy Southern Aristocrat con artist turn and . . . Oh, was that offensive? Okay, I'll cut that word out. John Saxon stars in "You Got Any Apple Fritters?" with a Johnny Depp style faggy Aristocrat con artist turn and . . . What? Leave me alone! I just drank a bottle of that crazy red Mountain Dew and I'm transcribing the Big Glowing Letters that are flashing in front of my eyeballs! Just when John Saxon got back to LA after shooting this Giggle Trip who should appear in his kitchen while he was in there looking for some cookies, maybe some cake, but that damn Clint Eastwood! Clint Eastwood with cookie crumbs all over his Dirty Harry shirt! Well, blah blah blah etcetera etcetera etcetera yadda yadda yadda and poor ol' John Saxon wound up working at the Steam Powered Otto Von Bismark Spanking Robot factory with me and the guys from "Quest For Fire". And we ain't complainin'! Hell, we have so many laughs I got through this whole article without even one cheap gag about Eastwood yelling at furniture during that convention. We thought that was funny! Even chairs are funnier than orangutans!
The greatest gift you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. How do I make the Big Glowing Letters stop!?! How!?! If your Right Eye offend thee, pluck it out! PLUCK OUT!!! PLUCK IT OUT!!! PLUCK IT OUT!!!!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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