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No respite in sight! It's more of two Saleeby articles in one!
WANT HIM AROUND ANYHOW|
By John Saleeby
HAYES PRETENDING NOT TO BE SICK TO DEATH OF WORKING ON "SOUTH PARK"|
By John Saleeby
In our last edition Wil Forbis wrote a column wondering if rock and roll is really dead. And in this edition John Saleeby has written a column saying "Hell, yeah, that shit is deader than Steve Allen on Halloween." John's kinda cranky but he knows dead when he sees dead - He works in a hospital!
You know what finally turned kids off rock music? All that "Alternative" foolishness. "Alternative", huh, kids? Hot damn, records so far ahead of their time they sound just like 1977! Except for the more progressive ones which sound more like 1968. My old man makes more musical sounds sucking little pieces of chewed up food from in between his teeth. And poor ol' Kurt Cobain. I'll never forget when I first found out he was dead. It was about fifteen seconds before I first found out who he was.
By the way, kids, what
do you call two "Alternative" quartets onstage at the same time? Give
up? Sure you do. It's all you kids know how to do. But back to the joke,
What do you call two "Alternative" quartets onstage at the same time?
Aw, cheer up. But what really got the runaway in the dungeon was when we decided that Neil Young was The Number One Cool Guy Of Rock And Roll. Neil Young! Sheesh, that guy was a little old man when I was a kid, how must he look to kids now that I'm a little old man? If they could bottle what that guy's got it would be one hell of a lot easier to get rid of. You know what I found out about Neil Young? All of those stupid guitar solos of his are in fact morse code telegraph messages to his road crew backstage. There's this one solo on one of his live albums where he's jammin' his big middle aged ass off for the crowd and at the same time he's tellin' his roadies "I want Ovaltine in my dressing room when I get back there! Last night I went back there after the show and there wasn't any Ovaltine! Ovaltine! Ovaltine! I want Ovaltine!"
As the protagonist of James Ellroy's "American Tabloid" says to Bobby Kennedy in his final scene - "God damn you for the trouble you've caused me."
Matt Stone and Trey
Parker are in the office. Isaac Hayes walks in.
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic
in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Check Out John Saleeby's crazy Acid Logic Blog!