Romance Tales for Average Folks
June 1st, 2006
Everyone has seen movies like "When Harry Met Sally," "You've Got Mail", or "I Spit on Your Grave", and swooned at Hollywood's presentation of fairy tale romance. But here at the Acid Logic Center for Romantic Research we've realized even if you aren't an attractive movie star, romance can be a wonderful, well, decent, er... ok, vaguely tolerable experience. When we proposed the idea of interviewing hundreds of "average" Americans about their romantic situations, the responses were immediate and varied, from "How much do I get paid?" to "Would I have to be naked?" to "Who you calling average, bitch!?" The compiled results, sampled below, showed that modern romance is alive and well across our great nation. Read on to find out for yourself!
"A lot of people don't know this but I lost part of my penis in a boating accident when I was ten. So I'd pretty much figured the odds of me ever meeting woman who'd want to be romantically involved with me were nil. I had a couple experiences with some real foxes when I was younger, but it would get to the point where we'd take our clothes off and they would just freak out. One girl barfed on my cat. I met Adrianna when she stopped to ask me directions, and I just blurted out "I lost part of my penis in a boating accident!" and she just kind of laughed. I don't think she actually believed me, but by the time we actually got down and dirty we'd already been going out for several months and I was supporting her Oxycontin habit so there wasn't much she could do. But we still have a normal sex life - usually I just use a strap on. I think we're happy - sort of."
"My marriage with Daniel is really a fairy tale come true. We met when he was starring in an off-Broadway Musical comedy show and he jumped off the stage and sat in my lap. He's really tall and well built and just seemed like the last guy in world who want to be with a plus sized girl like me. But when he ran into some financial difficulties I was flattered when he said that out of all his friends, I was the one he wanted to bunk with until he got back on his feet. From there the relationship just blossomed. I just let him have his night out with the boys four or five times a week and we get along great."
"Twenty years I never would have had a chance with a girl like Devon, even though I would have been much closer to her age. I thought it was all about looks and frankly, I've never come up high in that department. But when my real estate thing got going, it seemed like women were just flocking to me, and being that Devon was the prettiest of the lot, I married her. She's given me so much - three great kids, prominent social standing and her rather antiseptic version of love. Of course, she doesn't know yet that I've mortgaged the house twice to cover up some bad investments and I can barely pay the interest on the bank loan for the new deck and her live-in tennis instructor. But I think our relationship has grown so much these past years, I have no doubt she'll stand beside me."
"What's that? Why, yes, it's perfectly normal for me to take all these pills with my Martini."
"Of course I love my husband. I mean, he's a great, fantastic guy. He's really handsome. Maybe not as handsome as you of course, but he's definitely good looking. And funny. I mean, I really liked that joke you told, that was the funniest thing ever, but my husband can tell some whoppers too. You know, my husband works out a bit but he's never gotten his chest as defined as you seem to have gotten yours. Can I just feel that? Wow, that's real muscle isn't it? Maybe you could come by tonight and show him some exercises? I'm not sure exactly when he'll be getting home but I'm sure we can keep occupied until he arrives. Ohmigod! I did not mean to spill my TAB all over your pants. Let me just get that all cleaned up for you. I'll rub that right off!"
"I reckon lots of folks will tell you it's wrong to marry yer sister but I just tells them she's also my aunt and that just shuts them right up. I always knew that Clarabella was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. (She always says she's the only girl I've ever seen - besides our daughter Peggy Lee, and she's starting to look pretty good too - but I just laugh that off.) I figger God must think our love is pretty special because he gave us a son who has a tail!"
"Daphne was ok looking. I mean, she wasn't gonna break any mirrors but she wasn't gonna turn any heads either, right? But I can put up with it. Usually when we have sex I just imagine its Paris Hilton or somebody. With the lights out, it works out pretty well as long as I don't have to touch her excessively. And she makes a mean lasagna."
"I first met John at a Star Wars convention. He really impressed me with his detailed knowledge of the mating habits of Jawas and we arranged to meet later that week. On our first date he told me he could only be aroused by a woman who was wearing a Wookie costume and to be honest I found that slightly weird. But after a couple drinks I warmed up to the idea and now a week doesn't go by that without us making hot, sweet, Wookie love."
"When I first saw Miko I was enraptured. I must have sat there staring at her face for hours. I just knew I had to have her. So I plugged my credit card into the web site and three weeks later she arrived!"
"Out here in farm country it can be mighty hard to find the right kind of gal. When I first met Daisy I was really taken by her demure beauty and quiet presence. But I knew the way to her heart would be threw her stomach (this gal likes to eat!) so I started fixing up all sorts of tasty meals for her. The first time we consummated our relationship she didn't too excited but she didn't complain either."
"Did I mention Daisy was a sheep? Did I really have to?"
If that random sampling of authentic tales of romance from your friends and neighbors doesn't convince you that Love American Style is alive and well then you need to double your daily dose of Xanex (and throw in a few straight shots of Dewers.) So what are you waiting for Goofy Gus? Get your ass away from the computer screen, out of your parent's basement and go find you some LOOOOVEEEE!