KISS VS The Beatles

By John Saleeby
 

canned the rock band KISS hold their own against the greatest pop group ever? Are there any Rock And Roll Bands as beloved as The Beatles and Kiss? None come close! Not even The Ozark Mountain Daredevils! But are The Beatles better than Kiss or is Kiss better than The Beatles? Does the fact that I had to use "are" for The Beatles and "is" for Kiss mean anything? What word would I have used for The Ozark Mountain Did The Beatles ever really rock?Daredevils? Let's write an article and WORK IT OUT! Better yet, I'll write the article while you dig up my scratchy old 45 of "Jackie Blue" out of the shed in my Parent's backyard. It's in there . . . Somewhere . . .

BEST ALBUM

Whose Masterpiece is the Besterpiece? "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" or "Rock And Roll Over"? All you Acid Logic readers should have a pretty good idea on where I stand on "Sgt. Pepper" by now. I don't have to get into it here, just look up all the jokes I made about "Sgt. Pepper" in my old article about Yoko Ono, my old article about George Martin, my old article about Brian Wilson, my old article about Spike Milligan, my old article about Charles Manson, my old article about Johnny Carson, my old article about "Beach Blanket Bingo", and my old novel "The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn". For those of you who are unfamiliar with my work, read Adolph Hitler's "Mein Kampf" and substitute "Sgt.Pepper" for "the Jews" (Also replace "Jay Leno" for "Communism" and "Wil Forbis" for "France"). As for "Rock And Roll Over", peruse the archives for my articles "'Rock And Roll Over' Is The BEST!!", "'Rock And Roll Over' RULES!!!", "'Rock And Roll Over' Is The TITS!!!", and, of course, 'Rock And Roll Over' Is The Greatest Rock And Roll Record Ever And FUCK YOU If You Don't Like It!!!!!!".

WINNER - Let's compromise - "In Color" by Cheap Trick

BEST VOCALS

I'm a very good singer so my opinions on this matter are of tremendous importance. All of the members of both The Beatles and Kiss have taken turns doing lead vocals and if all eight of them did it all at once it would be enough to make you wish this was an article about The Beach Boys and Queen. I'm tempted to give Kiss the trophy on this one just to be a dick but I'm afraid I've got to go with The Beatles because if Gene Simmons gets any more full of himself he'll explode and we've got enough crap floating around the Gulf Of Mexico without little pieces of Gene Simmons falling out of the sky. Paul McCartney and John Lennon were both really good and if spending the Seventies watching Ringo score more hit singles than both of them combined wasn't enough to bum them out, getting shot to death and getting married to a one legged Golddigger certainly was. So let's be charitable . . .

WINNER - The Beatles

BEST GUITARS

As it said on all the record covers "Kiss Plays Gibson Guitars And Pearl Drums Because They Want The Best" and "The Beatles Play Rickenbacker Guitars And Swahili Goat Skin Drums Because They're Stuck In The Sixties". Which is my wise ass way of warming you Baby Boomers up for the terrible shock of George Harrison losing the "Best Guitars" event to a cackling doofus like Ace Frehley. Don't worry about George Harrison's feelings - He's dead and I don't think he read Acid Logic while he was alive. Not that I hold that against him - After all, I'm alive, I've never listened to his records, and I never will. Have the Baby Boomers gotten mad and gone away yet? No, jokes won't do it. We'll have to kill them. George Harrison was a good guitar player but Ace Frehley is The Best Ace Frehley That Ever Lived. Bob Stinson was a very good Ace Frehley but he died. George Harrison died but he did it without wandering around Minneapolis trying to bum beers off of people. That's what Ace Frehley is going to do when the Doctors tell him that he is going to die of cancer - To Hell with lying around in bed watching everybody cry, he'll go to Minneapolis and wander around trying to bum beers off of people. Because Ace knows his shit!

WINNER - Kiss

BEST BASS

Oh God, I have to write about Paul McCartney AND Gene Simmons? I guess a bass player is just an asshole who kinda knows how to play guitar, huh? Let's go with Simmons because he's never gone to the White House to suck up to Barak Obama while the Gulf Coast was beginning to look like Ben Stiller's pillow case after an afternoon nap. Get it over with!

WINNER - Kiss (But Gene Simmons is an asshole)

BEST DRUMS

No Mystery here, Ringo is The Best Drummer That Ever Was! Charlie Watts? Too ugly! Keith Moon? Ugly and dead! John Bonham? Ugly, dead, and his kid plays in fucking Foreigner! And don't forget Ringo in "Cave Man"! Peter Criss is very good but he's not as good as Ringo.

Haven't you heard those stories abour Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley having to bang on cardboard boxes in the studio so Criss could keep the beat? Who needs a drummer when you've got Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley banging on cardboard boxes? "This FUN!!" "You just sing, Pete. We'll bang on cardboard boxes." "Hey, man . . . What the hell is goin' on, man?!" "Oh, wow! Ace was passed out in there the whole time!" "You guys are a PAIN, man!!" "Ha ha!" "That's our Ace!!" ("Ace Frehley Comedy Theme" By Frank DeVol) More Peter Criss Complications - Pete used to drink a lot and, unless you are a member of The Replacements, that is a problem (Chris Mars, The Replacements' drummer, would occasionally get drunk and go onstage dressed as a clown. Peter Criss would go onstage dressed up like a clown every night whether he was drunk or not!). One night Criss was so drunk it looked like he wouldn't be able to play so Bun E. Carlos, the drummer in Cheap Trick, prepared to go in his place. But when Criss saw Carlos walking around backstage in his Kitty Kat make up he sobered up to play the gig and now Carlos makes extra bucks walking around in rehab clinics in Peter Criss Kitty Kat make up to jump start alcohalics into instant sobriety. How else do you think Chris Mars and all the other guys in The Replacements got off the sauce? I probably shouldn't bring this up, but not only is Ringo a better drummer than Peter Criss, so is Bun E. Carlos. And Chris Mars. And . . .

WINNER - The Beatles

BEST WRITING

This is going to be difficult for me because I've just recieved word of yet another set back to my own Writing career. Shot down by the "'i' before 'e' except after 'c'" thing! Anyway, Paul McCartney and John Lennon are the most successful song writing team in music history and, although they aren't as big as McCartney and Lennon, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley have done a million times better than my dead ass ever will. Too bad I didn't become a Song Writer instead of a stupid Comedy Writer. You know what? Fuck these guys!

WINNER - John Saleeby

BEST SONG

The Beatle's best song? This one is guaranteed to break out into violence which is why I got out my Lucky Pig Stabbin' Knife out before I even started writing it. My choice? "Helter Skelter"! Don't agree? Make too much of a fuss and the Cops will find the title of that classic ditty scrawled across your living room wall in your blood while you crawl around lying your ass off about how I've somehow got something to do with it. I bet you like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds". That's why I wrote "LSD" on the opposite wall in your Wife's blood. Tell the Cops whatever you want, I'll be at Dennis Wilson's house disguised as Gorgo, the "Quiet" Wilson Brother. Kiss' best song? "Detroit Rock City", of course! That "I've got to laugh cause I know I'm gonna die" line at the end, why couldn't you have taken that attitude while I was writing "Yellow Submarine" on the nursery wall in your kid's blood? Because you're a bitch.

WINNER - The Beatles

Oh. shit! I forgot about "Cold Gin"! Can I start this one all over again?

BEST MOVIE

"A Hard Day's Night" is the Beatle's Best Movie and "Kiss Meets The Phantom" is Kiss' Best Movie. Which is the best? I've spent the past three days trying to make my mind up on that question and finally decided to rent both Movies so I could rewatch them and reach a conclusion. So I went to the DVD rental place and when I told the teenager behind the counter that I was looking for "A Hard Day's Night" and "Kiss Meets The Phantom" he said "I work job DVD rent me weinie get hard!" and when he emptied his diaper on my shoes I grabbed the closest DVD I could and ran out.

WINNER - "Youth In Revolt"

AND THE BIG WINNER IS . . .

It would obviously be stupid to say that Kiss is better than the Beatles but it would be queer to say that The Beatles are better than Kiss. So I leave it up to YOU, the Reader . . . But nobody is going to read this anyway, so let's just wrap this up with the story about the time I fucked an underage Japanese porn star backstage in my dressing room. She really enjoyed it and when I was finished she put her School Girl uniform back on and got the hell out without saying a word. In other words . . .

WINNER - Kiss

Because Hippies are BUMS! So enough of this sittin' around shit . . . OUT IN THE STREET FOR A LIVIN'!!!

THE END




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