An individual exhibiting such uniqueness or individuality that he or she will cause a roomful of bar cronies to exclaim, "That's one interesting motherfucker!" Actual sexual relations with one's mother are not required.
By John Saleeby
You think Shecky Greene isn’t a Big Star? Shecky Greene is so Big ELVIS PRESLEY was once his Opening Act! You think Eddie Murphy is a Big Deal but was Michael Jackson ever his Opening Act? Louie CK headlined Madison Garden a while ago---did Springsteen do the Warm Up? No! Get outta here with Eddie Murphy and Louie CK! You’re so busy thinking about those Bozos that Shecky Greene is going to sneak up behind you and . . . Uh . . . He’s going to sneak up behind you and do something FUNNY! There’s no telling what Shecky Greene is going to do but IT WILL BE FUNNY!
Shecky Greene is such an underrated Comic Talent he will probably wind up Writing for Acid Logic. Did you know that Shecky Greene’s Stand Up Act is almost entirely IMPROVISATIONAL!?! Yeah, everybody thinks Robin Williams invented this but he didn’t---Shecky Greene was doing it LOOOOONG before Robin Williams. But, okay---Robin Williams is dead and we’re all bummed out so let’s pretend he invented the Improv Comedy thing. And Ceiling Fans. Robin Williams invented Ceiling Fans. Shecky Greene didn’t invent Ceiling Fans so, What The Heck, let’s give Robin Williams’ Dead Ass credit for Ceiling Fans and doing a crazy Stand Up Comedy Show without any Written Material at all. Go Robin Williams! Oh, he’s already gone.
Shecky Greene’s Act is The Greatest but no one has ever been able to remember a single funny thing he has ever said. Shecky Greene is the kind of Comedian who can say things like “This Morning I had the best bowl of corn flakes I have ever had in my entire Life!” or “Who was that guy in the Lobby with the red tie?” and make it hilariously funny. You can’t quote a Shecky Greene performance any more than you can quote a John Bonham Drum Solo. That might be where the “Ba Da Bing! Ba Da Boom!” thing came from. Yeah!
Shecky Greene is only a Comedian because he is so damn FUNNY! He never cared about Show Business. He never wanted to be anything but a Gym Coach! And Shecky Greene would have been a great Gym Coach. I can just see him walking around on the Side Lines while the Teen Age Knuckleheads run around throwing a Ball at each other. My God, imagine how funny it would have been to hear Coach Shecky holler things like “WHAT ARE YOU ASLEEP OUT THERE!?! WAKE UP, AWREADY!!!” or “WHAT WAS THAT!?! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?!? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?!?” The kids would have been laughing and rolling around on the ground cracking up so much the Game would have been Called On Account Of Hilarity. A Coach Shecky Half Time Talk? There would never be a Second Half! The Team would be in stitches so much they could be sewn together into a massive Human Centipede! Shecky Greene should have played the Mad Scientist in “The Human Centipede”! It’s so obvious! Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something hanging out of my nose? It’s a PIERCING, schmuck!
Shecky Greene is King Of The Stand Up Comics but he’s never done a lot of TV or Movies. THAT SHIT IS TOO SHOW BIZ! SHECKY HATES SHOW BIZ! HE WANTED TO BE A COACH!!!! Just because Shecky Greene is The Funniest Guy In The Business doesn’t mean he’s going to waste his Life hanging around with a bunch of Agents and Actors and . . . UGH! So Shecky Greene has spent most of his Career in Las Vegas while most of those Show Biz Creeps are in New York or Los Angeles. Hey, in Shecky Greene’s Day doing Stand Up in Vegas Casinos was ALTERNATIVE COMEDY! Take THAT, Tig Notaro!
Shecky Greene was NUTS in those days! Dude was BI POLAR and DRUNK OFF HIS ASS! Hey, wait a Cotton Pickin’ Minute here! I’m Bi Polar and I was drunk off my ass the whole time I was doing Stand Up, how come I’m not a Big Stand Up Comedy Star like Shecky Greene? “Because he’s funny!” “I’ll tell you why: because I’m not Jewish!” “Because he’s FUNNY!!” All those Jews stick together! “He made it because he’s FUNNY!” I didn’t make it because I’m not a JEW! “You didn’t make it because you’re not funny!” Leave me alone! I am blaming my failure as an Artist in Vienna on the International Zionist Conspiracy! Now get Mussolini in here! I want some spaghetti! Yeah, Shecky Greene was crazy but he was “Crazy Enough To Make It In Vegas” Crazy. I’m only “Crazy Enough To Mop The Floor In Mississippi” Crazy. Shecky Green’s whole Act was him yelling at the Waitresses about how much he hated them, spilling booze all over himself, getting in a fist fight with Buddy Hackett, and crying about how much he missed his Mom but Shecky Greene was so funny he made doing all that stuff funny and entertaining. Some Hillbilly like John Saleeby does that at The Comic Strip in 1990 and he winds up mopping the floor in Mississippi. I bet if Shecky Greene mopped up the floor in Mississippi it would be HILARIOUS! People in Mississippi would find Shecky Greene mopping up the floor so amusing and entertaining they would be willing to pay money to sit around watching him mop up the floor. People all over America would drive for miles and miles and miles to watch Shecky Greene mop the floor in Mississippi and . . . What? Somebody threw up in the Men’s Room? Aw, Hell . . .
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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