presents...An individual exhibiting such uniqueness or individuality that he or she will cause a roomful of bar cronies to exclaim, "That's one interesting motherfucker!" Actual sexual relations with one's mother are not required.
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Interesting
Motherfucker: (noun) An individual exhibiting such uniqueness or individuality that he or she will cause a roomful of bar cronies to exclaim, "That's one interesting motherfucker!" Actual sexual relations with one's mother are not required. |
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By
John Saleeby Record producers usually aren't very interesting - try reading a Rick Rubin interview if you don't know what I mean. But it's the Twenty First Century and high time to find someone new to have pretentious discussions about instead of those stupid movie directors. Hey, anything but those stuffy Firemen! Jack Douglas produced all my favorite records when I was a kid in the Seventies (I looked just like Kelso on "That Seventies Show" - Really!) - "Toys In The Attic", "Rocks", and "Draw The Line" by Aerosmith, the first Cheap Trick album, Joe Perry's first solo album . . . uh . . . something by The Patti Smith Group . . . and . . . Oh, yeah, the last record by that guy in The Beatles who got shot (Didn't buy those last coupla ones. But I hope that dude from The Beatles is feeling better.) Jack started out as one of those Greenwich Village folk singing cornballs in the early Sixties and then wised up to what music was all about when The Beatles showed up (Okay, so it took a while for Jack to become as cool as he was in the Seventies.) But he quickly redeemed himself by giving up being a musician and becoming a recording engineer. Jack worked with all kinds of people in the early Seventies but it was engineering for The New York Dolls (with Tod Rungren producing) that finally lead to the good part of his story and out of this dullsville paragraph. In the early Seventies The New York Dolls were The Most Fucked Up Band In The World and Tod Rungren was The Most Egotistical Asshole On The Face Of The Earth. There were guys getting their legs blown off in Vietnam who felt sorry for Jack Douglas trying to make a record with those maniacs. (Not that there wasn't anything wrong with The Dolls that thirty-seven years in rehab couldn't take care of. Man, if it wasn't for The Dolls there never would have been The Ramones and if it wasn't for The Ramones there never would have been The Sex Pistols and if it wasn't for The Sex Pistols there never would have been whatever the hell you numbskulls are listening to while I'm all alone at home listening to The Dolls and feeling really old.) But Rungren went into the studio acting like he was Brian Wilson producing "Pet Sounds II" and when lead singer David Jo Hanson responded to his Metropolitan Opera machinations with "Hey, I just YELL, awright!?!" Rungren threw his hands in the air like he just don't care about fifteen years before you could do that without looking like a fag and didn't come back until all the recording was done so he could do the mixing all alone in a Johnny Thunders free environment. Screw him - He's a dick and he ain't Liv Tyler's daddy any more than I am. So it was up to Jack to record The Dolls running through all of their songs over and over again until finally getting a take without someone making a mistake, passing out on the floor, or a fist fight breaking out. An essential skill if you're going to make it in the Rock And Roll Record Producer Biz. So when Aerosmith came along it was inevitable that Jack would spend a lot of time sitting around while they made mistakes, passed out on the floor, and broke out in fistfights. All the squares were accusing Aerosmith of trying to be like The Stones, but come on, it was The Dolls they were trying to be like! How retarded do you have to be not to see that? Oh yeah, The Dolls were trying to be like The Stones, but there is a world of difference between trying to be like The Dolls trying to be like The Stones and merely trying to be like The Stones - What the hell was the matter with those people? And anyway, if they knew so much about rock and roll why were they so hung up on those no good for nothing Eagles? Shit! So Jack finally got his big break and produced Aerosmith's second album (Yes, rappers, once upon a time if your first record didn't sell ten million copies the record company would actually give you a chance to make a second one!), "Get Your Wings". This record never exactly knocked anybody out, but it established a working relationship between Jack and the band and gave millions of stoners the impression that Steven Tyler and Joe Perry wrote "Train Kept A' Rollin'". Hey, ya think that's bad - "Lord Of The Thighs" is a rip off of an old Vietnamese shrimp boat song! Bad White people! Bad, Bad White people! But then Jack produced "Toys In The Attic" and "Rocks" and the rest is History. No, wait - "Exile On Main Street" and "Born To Run" are History, "Toys In The Attic" and "Rocks" are FUN! "Toys" is the one with all the songs you hear on the radio (When they aren't playing those no good for nothing Eagles) but "Rocks", with a sound so bold and original mass hysteria erupted when it was first played in the Columbia Records executive suite, is Jack Douglas' masterpiece. Don't own it? You suck! As we've all heard a jillion times before, after "Rocks" Aerosmith became hopeless drug addicts and the recording of their next album "Draw The Line" was so hellacious it made Jack's experience with The Dolls look . . . uh . . . Sniff sniff sniff . . . Oh! It made Jack's experiences with The Dolls look like Mister Rogers recording "Row Row Row The Boat!! Hahahaha!! Hey, this stuff is great! Can I buy some more? Joe Perry showed up with enough heroin to get Doctor Laura to shut the hell up and locked himself up in a tower where he began sniping at anything that moved with a pellet gun. P-Ting! P-Tang! Pootie Tang? No, those were Joe Perry "Pellet Gun" sound effects, dumb ass! It was a mess, the rock and roll equivalent of the filming of "Apocalypse Now" - Which was happening at pretty much the same time so it's no wonder I took so long to finish the Tenth Grade. They had us waiting so long for that record we had to invent Punk Rock just to have something to do. |
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Aerosmith dumped Jack and started their next dud with some damn fool
who'd been working with Foreigner. Then Joe Perry walked out and enlisted
Jack to co-produce his first solo album "Let The Music Do The Talking".
It's a really great record but, you're such a bunch of assholes, nobody
bought it and you probably won't buy it no matter what I write about it
so everybody just blow me, okay? And then turn right around and get back
in line to blow me again for not going to see "Pootie Tang". That was
a funny movie, you dopes. But unlike Poor Ol' Joe Perry, there is more to Jack Douglas than just
Aerosmith - HE DISCOVERED CHEAP TRICK!!! Swear tuh Gawd, He found 'em
playing in a bowling alley in Wehauken, Wisconsin (I once saw 'em playing
at a rodeo in Yehauken, Texas.) They were actually playing on the lanes
so people could try to knock 'em over with their bowling balls, that's
where Rick Neilson learned how to jump up in the air like Pete Townsend.
And not only did Jack produce the first Cheap Trick album but he also
produced the last John Lennon album! It's really sad Lennon got shot right
after "Double Fantasy" was finished, but really - who gives a shit about
this record? It's nice to hear a couple of the songs when they come on
the radio, but we're talking about Music For Squares now, aren't we? You
just know that any minute they'll play some slop by Billy Joel or those
no good for nothing Eagles and you'll just get pissed off, how can we
just sit here and Watch The Wheels Go Round when we know that's gonna
happen? Isn't there a tape player in this car? Don't you have "Toys In
The Attic" or "Kiss Alive" in here?!? Shit! There's a record store on
the next block - Get in the right lane!! GET IN THE RIGHT LANE!!! After the Lennon disaster Jack got really bummed out and spent a few
years bombed out of his bean on heroin. But there's a place for that sort
of thing and it's called Los Angeles - That's where Jack almost got the
job producing the first Guns N' Roses album but was ultimately turned
down because he was too messed up on drugs. That sounds like a joke ("Hey,
how wasted do you have to be to be too wasted for Guns N' Roses? Smirk
smirk smirkitty smirkitty smirk smirk! What? Do play by play on 'Monday
Night Football'? Sounds peachy, Poochie!") but the reality of the situation
was the band was already on drugs so the record company wanted a straight
guy to handle the production. It's really a drag that Jack didn't get
to produce "Appetite For Destruction", but it's just as well - It's entirely
possible he would have screwed it up and then we never would have even
heard of Guns N' Roses. And if it wasn't for Guns N' Roses there never
would have been The Ramones and if it wasn't for The Ramones there never
would have been The Sex Pistols and . . . Wait a minute . . . I'm confused
. . . But if he missed out on "Appetite For Destruction" at least Jack got
to do "Ain't Life Grand?", the second album by Slash's Snake Pit - featuring
a bunch of guys guaranteed to go the way of Johnny Thunders before they
start recording Nashville power ballads for science fiction movie soundtracks.
"Ain't Life Grand?" - Two Thumbs Up And A Third One Floating In A Jar
Of Pickle Juice! "Slash is my hero!" - Greg Proops, Host Of Television's
"Rendez View" Jack finally sobered up with the help of his old drug buddies Aerosmith
who, now that they've straightened out, are devoted to helping everyone
they ever got high with look as tense and nervous as they do. Send them
a twenty five year old urine specimen and if it comes in positive they'll
send you a "Just Push Play" t shirt and an autographed picture to scare
the hell out of your cat. Hey! How come nobody told me Jack Douglas produced the recent Aerosmith
live album "Somewhere South Of Sanity"? I didn't know he produced that
thing! I haven't been this surprised since Sam from "Cheers" popped up
right in the middle of "Saving Private Ryan"! So, Jack Douglas produced
"Somewhere South Of Sanity" - I'll be damned! Now I have to buy the stupid
thing. Shit. Oh no!! I forgot about Jack Douglas producing Starz, The
Band With The Most Annoying Lyrics In The History Of Music! "When we come
it tastes just like a milkshake . . . "! Aw, I'll do him a favor and leave
that out of the article.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com View John Saleeby's crazy web log!
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