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By Robin Devero

My boyfriend is the slovenly type and that's something I got used to a long time ago. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, doesn't put down the toilet seat, and enjoys shows like "Son of the Beach." He's also never made any attempt to hide the fact that he's into pornography. The first time I ever went over to his house there was some sort of second rate porn magazine lying on his couch and he only showed a small amount of embarrassment when he threw it off into a corner.

Now this has never really bothered me. He doesn't run off Friday nights to get drunk at a strip bar, nor does he say things like "Look at the melons on that one!" while watching television beauty pagents. I see myself as a liberated gal so I've always summed it up as the give and take of a relationship. I put up with his social shortcomings and he has to put up with the frustration of being with the most perfect person in existence. All's fair in love and war.

At first I didn't have much curiosity about his porn habit. When I'd stumble over a magazine in the bathroom, I'd just lob it into the corner and go about brushing my teeth or taking out my vaginal sponge. It wasn't till I came across my boyfriend's online porn collection that I started taking notice. I was surfing on his computer one day while waiting for him to get back from college and started fishing around in his bookmarks. (Hey, he told me I should get into the internet!) He had a small but noticeable collection of pornographic web page links (much like his small but noticeable. ahem.) So I started nosing around. And let me tell you, there's some strange stuff out there! When I was growing up, I caught site of a few of my brother's Playboys, and they were Mother Goose compared to what's on the World Wide Web. I now know more about sex with horses than I ever wanted to know.

But I also found the experience kind of baffling. The online porn world seems to employ a lexicon that's confusing to an web porn newbie such as myself. So when my boyfriend finally came home that night, we sat down and went over some of the terminology together. It was a humbling experience to be the recipient of his vast porn knowledge, and I thought I would present what I learned to other girlfriends uneducated to the ways of their significant other's porn interest. Hey, girls, it's one more activity you can do together!

Robin's Online Porn Dictionary:

This photograph is from the July, 1638 issue of Hustler Plumpers - Obviously this is fat girls and there seem to be a disturbingly "large" number of sites devoted to this niche. Makes you wonder if those guys with "No Fat Chicks" bumper stickers don't have something to hide.
What? A little wrinkle cream and I'm ready to go. Olders - Boy, the porn kings really show their vast creativity with this one. "Olders" refers to older women, who would've guessed? Of course, men seem to think any women over 30 is an "older." And they accompany these pictures with poetic captions like "Make Grandma Swallow." Men really are pigs aren't they? Which brings me to.
Hey, it beats being sheared. Barnyard - Everything you've heard about animal sex on the Internet is true. I'll never look at a snake the same way again.
Goo Lolitas - Lolitas are the anti-olders, the teenage nymphs. The title is indicative of the fact that when porn web asters aren't monitoring their web sites, they're busy reading Russian novels. See also - "barely legal","Under 18", or "High School."
Subtle humor alert: This is the cover to thr Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers album. Get it? huh? huh? Ahh... blow me! Sticky Movies - If looking at still pictures of naked women isn't enough for your man, he can delight himself with acually streaming web videos. They're sticky because. well you get the picture. Keep this in mind next time the computer shorts out.
I like to link the middle first Oreo Sex - Porn webmasters do their best to promote racial harmony with a wide variety of interracial sex scenes. It's nice to know that Martin Luthor King jr. didn't die in vain. Also see "Jungle Fever."
Remember when I was actually funny? Ellen - Perhaps the main legacy of Ellen Degeneres' coming out on television will be the numerous porn sites that refer to their lesbian collections as "Ellen." Makes you wonder if it was all worth it.
Splort! Facials - Ahh yes, some sites even specialize in what I believe is referred to in the porn industry as the "money shot." Trust me guys, those smiles are faked. (As is some of the "spunk de jour" that embalms these models. Ever hear of hair conditioner?)
Oh yeah... take it all off baby! Voyeur - Leave it to the Internet to help raise the next generation of Night Stalkers by including a vast section of naked women being "unknowingly" photographed by hidden cameras. It must be oh so time consuming to wait for those gals to be in a position where the lighting is just right. but our junior Larry Flynts are up to the task.

So there you have it gals. You may spend the next few days seriously considering joining the nearest nunnery but trust me, the feeling passes. Men, can't live with them, can't kill them. Waitasecond!

What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

When not expressing bafflement at the various activities of the male sex, Robin Devero writes for online zines and listens to Patsy Cline.

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