The Dead Can BLOW ME!!!
When did the Dead get to be such a pain in the ass? Used to be when someone died they went away and you never saw 'em again "Later, Gramps!" But nowadays, someone dies and you see 'em more often than when they were actually here! Like Marilyn Monroe - She's been dead longer than she was ever alive and she's getting more attention than any of the fine young babes in Maxim! That is just sick. What are the odds of you ever running into Marilyn Monroe and getting to fool around with her? Nil, my man, nil. But all those cute little chicks in "Death Proof"? They're all out there waiting for the phone to ring and for some guy ask them out but all the guys are sitting around watching "The Seven Year Itch". Why are you getting all worked up over Marilyn Monroe's skirt getting blown up when there are a jillion girls out there that are still alive and would look just great getting their skirt blown up? If Marilyn Monroe had her skirt blown up right now there would be a Decomposed Dead Woman Dust Storm! Is that sexy? No, Saleeby answered quickly before you could think about it and become Weird For Life.
All this carrying on over the Dead is killing our once vibrant culture like cholesterol is going to have me rolling around on the floor howling in agony - Hey! Somebody get this on video! Take Jimi Hendrix - Please! Okay, he was a great Guitar Player - "Electric Lady Land", "Purple Haze", "Choked On His Vomit" - Get him outta here! You may not believe this, but there are guys playing Guitar right now in 2013 and they've still got flesh on their bones! It's FAR OUT! Like Dennis Treckman, this guy who plays in the parking lot outside the shopping mall for spare change "Sorry, man, spent all my money on this 'Electric Lady Land' CD!" "Oh, man!" "Sorry, man, spent all my money on this Jimi Hendrix Experience thermos!" "Bummer!" Guy is quite possibly The Best Guitarist in the World and he is living on dead bugs he scrapes off of car windshields 'cause nobody wants to hear anybody play Guitar but that dead Jimi Hendrix doofus. And Mark Twain! Would it kill you to read a Novel by anybody but that god damn Mark Twain? I know a guy named Joe who lives in the trunk of an abandoned car and this guy writes a new novel every single day that is ten times better than anything that Mark Twain dope has written in the past few years. But is anybody walking into the book store trying to buy "Screw Mark Twain" or "I Hate Mark Twain" by Joe the Guy Who Lives in the Trunk of An Abandoned Car? The Answer to The Big Question - No. All anybody wants to read is "The Adventures Of Bucklecherry Gin" or "War And Peace" or whatever the hell that Liver Boat driving creep Mark Twain wrote. I don't care! He's dead! He's up in the sky looking down at everything. He's probably the only one to ever read anything that Joe has ever written except for that Acid Logic article Joe wrote about eating dead bugs scraped off of the windshield. There's a lot of that going on around here because of Dead Worship doogley woogley and it's gotta stop boogley foogley foo!
Another terrible thing about the Dead - aside from the smell - is that as soon as a famous bastard dies he is immediately The Greatest Bastard Of All Time. This never fails to amaze me, when will something occur to amuse me? Before some Movie Star dies he's just some slob you see in Hollywood and you see on TV every now and then. But then they die and then you see 'em so much it's like they're renting a room in your house. You go into the kitchen to get a beer and they're sitting at the table in their underwear doing a crossword puzzle. You thought Jack Lemmon was annoying in "Save The Tiger" how about sitting at the kitchen table in his underwear doing a crossword puzzle? "No, Zombie Jack Lemmon, I have no idea what an eleven letter word for a dancing rodent beginning with 'Q" is. Put on a pair of pants, for God's sake." That's why everybody is so crazy about Zombies these days, The Living Dead or - For you Newbies - The Walking Dead are symbolic of all the Dead people knocking around inside our heads. Hell, I wish Whitney Houston would try to break into my window and take a bite out of my arm - I'd smash her skull open with my laptop biff boom bop! Go away, Whitney Houston! She's been Dead all this time but just this morning I saw her singing "How Will I Know" on TV - It's not God's Way! New young Show Biz chicks like Katy Perry and Taylor Swift come along and I assume they were unknown hopefuls that never got a break and are really famous because they died. All this time I thought Taylor Swift was some bimbo that died in a car wreck or a drug overdose. Why else would anybody pay attention to such a drip? Chris Brown only hit Rhianna? I thought everybody hated him so much because he killed her! Now that I know she's still alive he doesn't seem to be that bad a guy. What a let down! Did that nutty Russell Brand kill Katy Perry? No, don't tell me! It'll spoil the Romance. I can't believe I'm writing bits about these cornballs! Hey, at least they aren't Dead! You want the usual stuff about Janis Joplin and James Dean? Screw you!
Before I go - No, I am not making fun of when your Mom or one of your Friends dies. It's perfectly natural to feel bad about that. Hey, your Best Friend died in a car accident, of course you're upset. But you will get over it. You don't know for sure it but he was boning your Girlfriend the whole time you were in Iraq. You suspected it but you never made a Big Deal over it. You just dumped that whore and stopped spending very much time with the bum. Yeah, breaking into his Garage and messing around with his brakes and steering was definitely the right thing to do. So, believe me - It will be okay. I've been there, man. Just like I was there in his Garage showing you how to mess up his brakes and steering. I could do a funny little Comedy Bit like that about your Mom dying too, but you probably wouldn't think it was very funny. Because you're a dick.
What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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