by
Joel Schneier
Spurts of
water came shooting down at him, and then they crawled down his body
until escaping into the drain. Ahhhh, the shower. The one place where
Barry could be himself.
After taking
a deep breath Barry began to sing.
. . . I’M
SINGING IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGING IN THE RAIN
WHAT A GLORIOUS
FEELING, I’M HAPPY AGAIN . . .
Barry continued
on with the rest of the chorus and then the verse. He was singing very
loudly.
Outside
of the bathroom Marry had her ear up against the door. She was listening
to Barry sing. He’s really losing it, she thought, he is
so off key . . . and not to mention he’s going crazy.
Feeling
very sorry for her husband Marry closed her eyes and took a deep breath
. . . then Barry opened the door and she fell smack on her face onto
the bathroom floor.
“What were
you doing?” asked Barry a little shocked.
Marry got
to her feet in a jolt, “I was . . . uhhh . . . making sure the door
wasn’t breathing . . .yeah, that’s it!”
Barry saw
through her lie. “Oh, I see.”
Slowly he
walked out of the bathroom with his head low.
“I think
I’m gonna go get a beer. Bye.”
Marry felt
ashamed as she saw her naked husband walk out the door . . . not just
because he was naked, but because she had embarrassed him.
Feeling
shame and pity at the same time, Marry began to cry. She sat down and
turned on the t.v. While she was watching t.v. she had an epiphany.
Barry
has gotten so terrible lately, maybe I should just take him to a shrink
. . . OF COURSE! That’s it, I’ll take him to a shrink.
When Barry
finally came home that night Marry tried to convince him of her idea.
He didn’t like it. He didn’t think he had a problem. Then Marry showed
him the video tape of him singing in his cubical at work. Finally,
he agreed.
Two days
later Marry and Barry were in a small office sitting opposite three
shrinks. Marry was sitting quietly. Barry was singing the theme song
from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The shrinks were quickly scribbling something
on their clipboards.
After Barry
finished singing the shrinks scribbled some more notes. Then they each
held up what they had written.
One had
written, HE’S A NUT JOB. The second had written, HE’S FLIPPED THE COOP.
The third had drawn a picture of a dinosaur.
Marry spoke
up, “So, doctors, what does all of the technical yabber-jabber really
mean about my husband?”
The second
shrink answered, “It means that he has become clinically depressed.
Or as I wrote, he’s flipped the coop.”
The first
shrink continued, “What we need to know right now is the deepest and
darkest secrets of your husbands past. That way we can properly assess
the problem which exists in your husband’s mind and correct it.”
The third
shrink spoke, “I like dinosaurs.”
Everyone
in the room stared at the third shrink (Except for Barry who was singing
songs from THE SECRET GARDEN under his breath).
After a
very long and awkward pause the third shrink said, “Fine,” and left.
The second
shrink continued, “So why don’t you tell us of your husband’s past.”
“Well, okay,”
said Marry. She then told the two shrinks the long two hour story of
Barry’s career as a Broadway star. About how he won four consecutive
TONY AWARDS for best actor in a musical. About how he then decided
to write, direct, and star in his own play. About how it was so terrible
that three broadway critics died from excessive critical disgust. And
finally, about how his TONY AWARDS were taken away and he was given
a court restraint that he couldn’t come within 500 yards of a theatrical
performance.
When Marry
finished the first shrink burst out laughing. He was then hit by the
other shrink. He then turned back to Marry, “I think I know how to
solve the problem.
“Your husband
had become so involved in Broadway that now being away from it he has
become detached and crazed, right? Well, then I believe the only solution
is to put an end to his misery--”
“You’re
not putting my husband to sleep! I know he might be crazy and pathetic
and a low-life! But he is still my husband and a human being. He is
not some old dog who is going to die anyway. He has plenty of years
left ahead of him that are going to be full of pleasure. He can overcome
this situation if he wants to!”
Marry then
picked up her jacket and purse.
“Come, Barry.
I don’t want to be associated with people of this stature.”
Before Barry
got a chance to stand up the second shrink intervened, “Look, we don’t
want to put your husband to sleep.”
Marry turned
around, “You don’t?”
“No,” reassured
the shrink, “What we were going to suggest is that we cut off his ears.
That way he won’t be able to hear the songs and he won’t have a problem.”
Marry thought
about this. “Meh, good enough.”
What do you think America?
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